Antique Crazy, Antique Embarrassment, Mildly Amusing, Thank You Notes

Ode To Mary Tyler Moore

A Perfect Post

I left the house feeling quite pleased with myself. I was having a Mary Tyler Moore day. I had on a pair of jeans that didn’t require me to hold my breath and a brand new blouse — sunny summer yellow with snap buttons up the front. My pedicured toes were showcased in my favorite pair of black Cole Haan sandals, my one summer splurge item. And? I was having a good hair day. It was 82 degrees and the sun was spilling in through the sunroof of the car. I put on my sunglasses and checked my look in the rearview mirror. Dang! I looked pretty good, not a day over 45. If I’d had a beret, I would have thrown it in the air.

After I dropped Sean off at school, I continued my mission to take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. First stop, Starbucks. As I was celebrating my splendid-ness with a refreshing Frappuccino, I noticed a man over in the corner checking me out over the screen of his laptop. I acted like I didn’t notice because I am just that cool. In what was supposed to be a sexy Sharon Stone-style move, I tipped the cup upwards to drain what was left of the sweet brown liquid. But. The ice broke loose from the bottom of the cup like a calving iceberg, smashing me in the face and gushing down my pretty yellow shirt and into my cleavage. I screamed. The man in the corner hid behind his laptop and chortled. He chortled! That is one small step above snorting. You have not been humiliated until you have been the object of a public chortling.

I stood and gathered up my dignity. I did a little side-to-side head move and flipped my good hair over my shoulders and then I put on my sunglasses and walked out of there like a model on a runway. Except that I was dabbing at my boobs with a wad of environmentally friendly Starbucks napkins which you should know, will disintegrate at the sight of liquid and leave behind what looks like spit up or oatmeal or spit up oatmeal on your shirt. When I thought I could plumb the depths of humiliation no further, I caught sight of my reflection in the door on my way out. I not only had an icy drink in my bra, I had a whipped cream mustache.

I was not going to let a little Frappuccino down my shirt ruin my Mary Tyler Moore day. I still had on a fabulous pair of sandals. I still had on a sexy pair of jeans. I could still make it afterall! I arrived at my next stop, my doctor’s office, for some routine blood work. As I sat in the blood drawing chair, I noticed the lab technician eyeing my sunny yellow oatmeal shirt. She didn’t ask and I didn’t offer.

On the way out of the doctor’s office, I decided to use the restroom before I continued turning the world on with my smile at TJMaxx. As I raised my pretty little pink painted tootsie to flush, the slick sole of my chic sandal slipped and I baptized my foot in the flushing toilet. I screamed for the second time that morning. I pulled my wet foot out and stood there like a flamingo helplessly watching Cole Haan go around and around. At the last moment, I reached in and made the rescue.

My Mary Tyler Moore day was literally going down the toilet. I stood dejected at the sink, on one foot, washing my sandal. The bathroom door opened and I looked in the mirror to see the lab technician. She stopped when she recognized it was me, oatmeal girl. She didn’t make eye contact with me, but rather raised her eyebrows with an expression of amusement and pity, as though she had finally seen it all. She didn’t ask and I didn’t offer. I slogged out of the doctors office, past the nurse and the non-Mary Tyler Moore patients wearing my one leg wet jeans, one shoe, a shirt covered in what looks like oatmeal and carrying a shoe wrapped in a paper towel.

When I picked Sean up from school he was demanding to go to Old McDonald’s and since I already smelled like Frappuccino and urine, I gave in. It wasn’t long before I spied him in the corner of the play yard in the poop pose, the one that looks like he is about to lift off wearing a silver space age jet pack on his back — knees slightly bent, clenched fists out front. He was also wearing the red-faced, eyes glazed over poop expression. Great. Not exactly the finale I had in mind for my Mary Tyler Moore day, but at the same time, it seemed fitting. I called him over and gave him the news that we needed to go home. Given the day’s track record, the last thing I was up for was changing a poopy diaper in a public restroom. He was not very happy about this decision, so I had to carry him to the car, kicking and screaming and flailing.

With a “fully loaded” boy under one arm and my purse, keys, his shoes and our drinks under my other three arms, I exited the restaurant. As I was leaving I noticed that everyone was looking at me. My spirits were buoyed. I started thinking, wow, even after the day I’ve had, I still look pretty good.

That’s when I looked down to see that in the course of all the thrashing about, Sean had unsnapped my shirt down to my navel. And I had not one free arm to do anything about it.

So much for my Mary Tyler Moore day. If I’d had a beret, I would have just pulled it completely over my head.

85 thoughts on “Ode To Mary Tyler Moore

  1. I laughed out loud, A.M., and the references to MTM just made me chuckle. Which, by the way, is no relation to a chortle.

    Seems like Sean was going for the Barbara Eden look. The little darling needs to get his classic sitcoms straight.

  2. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time…A terrific tribute to all of “those days.” Makes me want to send you a beret.

    Um, you might want to button your shirt…

  3. “the poop pose, the one that looks like he is about to lift off wearing a silver space age jet pack on his back”

    I could see that perfectly. Excellent description.

    And good for you for reliving it all in a post for our amusement. Whatever doesn’t kill you… makes a really good story.

  4. Okay, am laughing SO hard- sorry, it IS at your expense, but MAN! I’ve so so been there- and can relate b/c I have a 2 (2 1/2) year old little man too- Thanks for the laugh.

  5. *snorting* the whipped cream moustache

    you are one brave woman, whew, those kind of days makes you want to just crawl back in bed and start over.

  6. I’m weak from chortling. Sorry, I did indeed chortle. Came close to guffawing at the poop pose. You started out Mary Tyler Moore, so you got a bit disheveled along the way. At least you got out the gate. 🙂

  7. Forget chortling, I was laughing out loud. Even MTM had her bad days. Thanks for shring this one.

  8. Oh, my! What a day! I’m so sorry that all happened to you, but thanks for the laugh! I hope you can laugh about it, too, in the near (or not so near) future!

  9. What a perfectly AWFUL day. Sorry to hear about it, but at least you were able to tell it in a hilarious way. Especially the part about the poop pose. Hope tomorrow is better.

  10. Can’t. Type… because.. tears… in my… eyes… That is so perfect. Oh man… Whew. What a good laugh I needed today!

    (Slightly trying to stifle laugh) Poor AM. I sincerely your days are better this week. If not, please don’t pass it on to the rest of us when you come up to KC.

    Oh, and wear the blouse and sexy jeans and those fabulous shoes for the lunch. I would so love to see the real deal.

  11. Hey, you can laugh about it, we can laugh about it, and everyone’s happy. If one must have a bad day, that’s the kind to have!

  12. I recently had a similar experience, wearing a fun, cute bouncy skirt, out with my husband, just like grownups. Until a gust of wind caught it, exposing my ass to the car of the guy that I’d just made a snarky comment about.

  13. I’ll never again feel as bad about the time I ran my Cole-Haan loafer through the washing machine!

    And only this morning I was dabbing my freshly coffee-stained shirt with a Tide pen while driving the car…

    Thanks for putting such entertaining words to all of our daily, humbling experiences!

  14. This post was so funny!!!! I actually get the lol thing now because I did laugh out loud. Roy calls these “Lucy” moments. It’s nice not to be the only one.

  15. I’m sorry you had one of ‘those’ days but I am glad that you posted about it because I needed a good giggle. Hope your tomorrow is better!

  16. Oh my goodness, the way you wrote this post I could see it all in my head. Sorry to laugh at your misery but obviously you saw the humor in it too.
    Now I must go and get something to wipe the monitor that I spit cola all over while reading this entry. Way too funny!

  17. I’d say you definitely took a nothing day and made it all worthwhile! Now I need to go clean up the iced coffee I just snorted all over myself.

  18. I can’t beleive you had a day like that and I wasn’t there with a camera. There is no justice.
    I did not chortle but I admit to a good guffaw. Great story! Thanks Mary.

  19. Oh.My.

    Funny, funny, funny.

    I mean, I’m sorry you had such a day. Thank you for making it all worthwhile (for us) by blogging it.

  20. I’m another first-time reader, and I’m glad I picked today to stop by. The whip-cream mustache really got me going, then “wearing my one leg wet jeans, one shoe, a shirt covered in what looks like oatmeal and carrying a shoe wrapped in a paper towel” just about put me over the edge. By the time I got to “the poop pose” I was laughing so hard I was crying. Whew, I needed a good laugh today. Thanks so much for sharing. Hope your next Mary Tyler Moore day ends as fabulously as this one started.

  21. I am not kidding. THis is the first time that somebody’s blog post has made me laugh so hard I cried. You need to serve up a kleenex with your posts if you’re going to be so damn funny!

  22. awww ok sorry but you just made me feel better about my bad day!!!!! Now I can say at least I did not flush my foot!!! Hope tomorrow truly is your Mary Tyler Moore Day!

  23. K… the picture of shalee smelling your shoes makes so much more sense now that I’ve read this post!
    Glad to have met ya
    Hugs

  24. OMG…I never knew I was supposed to call those days “Mary Tyler Moore” Days. Thanks for giving me a name for them!!! You aren’t alone.

    Have a wonder filled day!

  25. I was told I must come IMMEDIATELY and read this post. And they were so right! You are absolutely hilarious!

    BTW, you were definitely having a MTM day on Saturday. You looked fabulous and it was a pleasure to meet you.

  26. LOL I am like sooo chorting as well, now my daughter is reading. I am going to put the flushing the toilet with my foot on my things to try when I am skinny enough to lift my foot that high. Tooo funny.

  27. I’m here from, well, I can’t remember now, but this story is hysterical. I’m trying not to laugh as I have a split lip and that just makes it worse. None the less, I’m glad I read it. Just. too. funny.

  28. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many responses to one post – but I’m still new at the blogging thing! You are a Brilliant Writer! Thank you for a laugh out loud – couldn’t see the page for the tears in my eyes – Great Piece! My two-year old keeps me right there with you, Sister! I have been there!!! But, oh, you say it so well!

  29. Oh, that is too great… I mean, “man… sorry about that.” Your description of it is just so funny. There will be other MTM days and other memorable ways to flush them.

  30. As a husband of one, and a father of four, much of what was written is refreshing as well as reminiscent of those “early days.” We’ve endured and enjoyed some delightful experiences (I’d relate the evening of three daughters and their . . . “pooping,” but I shant.) Suffice it to say, “Go, Girl!” It does get better. And, surviving the teens is truly worth it!

  31. I can’t believe I missed this (bloglines was giving me the (!) message for a week…now I know that means “Nothing from Antique Mommy!”)

    Hilarious post! Oh how many times have I had my shirt “unbuttoned to my navel.” Usually the straw that breaks me. Oh, for a beret, huh?

  32. My friend Julie at Desert Diva sent me over to check this post out. She told me about it and you over coffee last night at Starbucks. Sounds like you had a rough day!! Hope it’s been going better for you!!

    I’ll be back by another day : )

  33. After all the comments, all I can say is…TOO Harlious. I grew up watching MTM and remember almost all of those great episodes…thanks for the wonderful laugh! “…a little song, a little dance…a little selzer down your pants…” 🙂

  34. Thank you for this!

    Was just sitting here feeling 2 inches tall from an embarrassing situation yesterday and you’ve reminded me that these kind of things happen to everyone! (We’re just not all as adept when blogging it!!!)

    Great post!

  35. Of course I meant “We’re just not all as adept as you are when blogging it.”

    Geez. need more coffee…

    thanks again!

  36. That is just too fantastic! And I so sympathize although I manage to have those days without caring for a child so I really have no excuse.

    Congratlations on your Perfect Post! You definitely deserved it!

  37. Oh! oh! I haven’t laughed like this in months! You know the kind…starts with a giggle of anticipation, simmers to a chuckle, cackles to a boil and then percolates to a full-blown roar of laughter and tears!

    My 11 year old wants to know, “who let a monkey in the house?” because I guess I sound that bad.

  38. Hilarious. And I can so remember the days of little ones. Mine pulled my skirt completely down to the floor once when he slipped, hanging on to the hem. Fortunately I was at the bank, so it was sure to be caught on camera for future disgrace.

  39. I can’t believe I missed this one – so wonderful! Perfect post for sure. Meanwhile, if you smelled like Starbucks + urine I’d have felt very comfortable with you. That pretty much describes the NYC subway system.

  40. So bad for you…so GREAT for us!! This was LOL funny, and congrats on your perfect post. I’m new here, but I’m adding you to my bloglines so I’ll be a repeat visitor. 🙂

  41. This is the hardest I’ve laughed in 8 weeks. Seriously. I’m still laughing, even as I type this. Wow. That’s all I can say, wow.

  42. That is hilarious!

    “Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
    Well it’s you, girl, and you should know it
    With each glance and every little movement you show it”

  43. Wow…that got better and better. The shoe in the toilet would have been the last straw for me. Congrats on the award!

  44. I am wiping the tears – that was a great laugh – thank you. I am so sorry for your suffering. But really – God give those moments with the blog in mind. Really he is being quite generous. A perfect post award is worth it – and think of how much laughter you brought into the world.

    loved the chortle! incredible writing. so well done – but now I have a new fear – falling into the toilet as i flush.

  45. I’m laughing so hard the tears are flowing, my nose is running and I can barely catch my breath long enough to type this. That could never have been fiction. No one could have made that up. Oh you poor thing, but what terrific blog fodder!

  46. Well that’s funny. Sweet mercy that’s funny.

    My favorite line? “She didn’t ask and I didn’t offer.” Brilliant.

    I keep reading / seeing your name…now that I’ve visited, I have no choice but to put you in my Bloglines. Unbuttoned shirt and all.

    🙂

  47. Pingback: 5 Minutes For Mom
  48. Giffawed out LOUD and made my colleagues look up curiously. But just couldn’t help myself, especially at the second ‘she didn’t ask and I didn’t offer’.
    Oh AM, you are truly matchless.

  49. My daughter gave me your Blog site and said you were a must. I carried it for a week before arriving here today. She was right! Your story was so funny and I don’t laugh out loud very often. You go girl!

  50. Ok, I know this is an old post, but a friend just emailed the link to me.

    I have to say that this is EXACTLY what happens to me when I think I’m having an extra cool day. Well, maybe not exactly, but equally humiliating and with four kids following me and the action.

    I don’t know when I’m going to accept that my cool days are OVER.

    thanks for the laugh!

  51. I am sure this was one of those posts you got the maximum comments for. It was hilarious….especially the description to the poop pose…..haha..
    Keep up the Good writing.thanks

  52. This was the first post of yours that I read, and I was hooked! When you went off line, I thought I would never again be able to read “the Mary Tyler Moore” post. This is so funny!

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