Let it be known to all, the parking gods love me.
If you’re going to the mall, you want me to go with you. I don’t even have to be driving to get a primo parking space. I can go to the Dallas Galleria on the day after Thanksgiving and get a front row parking spot in front of Macy’s. I can go to the State Fair of Texas and get a front row parking spot in the shade. I can even get a front row parking spot by the cart return any day of the week at Wal-Mart. I know. I don’t deserve it. I’ve not lived a life without blemish. It rains on the just and unjust alike, but it rains parking spaces on me!
Unfortunately, the shopping gods are not that crazy about me. Once we get to the store, you’ll want to get as far away from me as possible.
This past week I had on my shopping list the following items: thermometer covers, Welch’s Grape Juice, hydrogen peroxide and Wheaties. Wal-Mart was completely out of each of the four items. What are the odds? Does that not seem like some sort of divine conspiracy? Not wanting to waste a perfectly good child-free trip to the store I bought nail polish, cilantro, a Snickers bar and a new spatula instead. With my four essential impulse purchases in hand, I headed for the checkout lines.
I sometimes think that as an act of benevolence to the unsuspecting shopping public, that I should wear a sign on my back that warns people not to get in line behind me if they have ice cream or other perishables or haven’t had a recent bathroom break.
As I approached the checkout lines, I felt the ire of the shopping gods bear down upon me. Two lanes were open and I had to choose one. Which one would get me out of the store before either I or my cilantro died a pungent soggy green death? I already knew it didn’t matter. Whichever line I chose, it would be the wrong one.
My two options were as follows: a) The line with the legally-blind, elderly couple in walkers trying to pay for their prescriptions and Metamucil with their phone card or b) The line with the non-English speaking Asian lady trying to use coupons clipped from a Chinese newspaper and disputing the price of every item in her cart by means of pantomime. It was a toss up with 100% losing odds.
I chose the elderly couple’s line for no reason whatsoever. After I read People, In Style, Glamour, The Enquirer, Newsweek, Teen People and War and Peace, I set my soggy cilantro down and left the store with nothing.
If you see me in Wal-Mart, for your own good, go the other way. I’ll understand.