Crow Casserole

Reduced Fat Words

I’ve grown fat in the nearly three years I’ve been a parent. Not so much from eating after my own child, which I said I would never do, but I do — but from eating my own words.
I remember when I was about seven months pregnant, Antique Daddy and I were playing cards with some friends. With my child tucked safely inside my womb, I was still free to waddle up to my soapbox and spout off all the idealistic things I would never do that those other horrible, less diligent parents allow their children to do.

Photo: Idealistic Pregnant Woman Looking For Soapbox

“I will NEV-UH! (finger wag) allow my child to eat at McDonalds!” I proclaimed with conviction. My friend Susie rolled her eyes and asked this question: What are you going to do when one of his little friends has a birthday party at McDonalds? Hmmm? What then? Are you going to let him go, oh ye Idealistic One? Idealistic One had NOT thought of that.

“Well, then certainly no television – that vast wasteland!” I preached as though I had coined that phrase. Susie just looked at me because she has three children, so she understood the ways of the world and she already knew that the world likes to stomp on the ideals of pregnant women.

“What about when you are trying to make dinner, or have to make a phone call?” she asked, “You don’t think you’ll let him watch television then?” I probably said something annoyingly self-righteous like, “Most certainly not! He can read a book or sit quietly until I’m through.”

I would have smacked me after that remark, but Susie is a kind woman and almost never smacks pregnant ladies. In fact, as I’m sitting here watching television with Sean, slamming down the remains of a half-eaten Happy Meal and washing it down with the the dregs of a warm juice box, I think I’ll just smack myself right now on behalf of idealistic pregnant ladies everywhere.

33 thoughts on “Reduced Fat Words

  1. Ha! “With my child tucked safely inside my womb, I was still free to waddle up to my soapbox and spout off…” That CRACKED me up!

    Not that I’ve EVER done that, but, you know, I’ve heard of women doing that.

  2. Keep plenty of salt and sugar on hand. You’ll need it to season some of those words you’ll have to eat along the way. I know I had to eat volumes of words I spoke in ignorance and haste. I needed to be smacked a lot, too, but at least it amused my friends to see me make such an a** of myself. 😉

  3. Nevuh say nevuh….About anything. Nevuh. LOL at this because I’ve so been there, done that. Fat on my own words – memorable.

  4. As a pregnant woman I am realizing that I will automatically jinx myself if I dare think, needless say any of these thoughts outloud. Example: “My kid will never scream like that at a restaurant” and sure enough I’m bound to have the loudest screamer who consistently only enjoys screaming in public solely because I made a foolish comment of the such. Even though I’m sure this is my luck if I dare even think these things, inevitably, I’m sure I’ll be eating my words as well for many years to come, too! At least I’ll have company!

  5. Laughed out loud at this. Cameron’s 13 months old and had his first happy meal last weekend. And if it weren’t for TV (well, Baby Einstein videos) I’d go stark raving mad. You lose the idealism real fast when reality starts knock knock knockin’ at your door.

  6. Oh, yeah. Just had another of those moments today. Involving Spaghettios. Story (complete with photo) posted earlier this afternoon.

    Goes along with the adage–the older we get the less we know.

  7. Haha. When my oldest was a toddler, I took her to McDonalds for the first time – not so she could eat there (Heaven forfend), but so I could catch up with a friend. My daughter was politely eating her Organic Crappy O’s, and started choking. She was all right, but was thirsty – so without thinking I gave her a sip of my Coke and a chunk of french fries. And then started crying because I HAD WRECKED MY BABY. Whatta goof. She’s eaten there more than enough now, believe me!

  8. If all first gestational women had to eat their supercilious words, the whole world would be suffering from obesity. Whoops! I think I have stumbled onto something…..

  9. LOL!! It’s okay. We all have our moments of vindication. My younger sister has tendered several apologies regarding insensitive comments she made when she was childless and I savored each and every one. Your day is coming. I promise.

  10. Loved this! Read an anti-mommy blog recently written by a woman who said she hates mommy bloggers. Your commentary reminded me of that. Talk about eating your words, when that woman has kids, she’s going to have to eat her blog! The reality of having kids is in no way anything like the fantasy, neither the good nor bad of it.

  11. Hee Hee. When my SIL “fell pregnant”, she let me know that she wasn’t going to be an “uptight parent” like me. Now that she has a kid? She’s even *more* uptight than me, and says, “there is so much I didn’t understand about the things you did as a Mom. Well – I understand now”.

  12. You could be letting him drink a coke instead of juice, right? There’s always something worse. 😉

    Everything in moderation, that’s my motto.

  13. That is so funny, my sister-in-law told my husband that any ideas he had of parenting will be thrown out the window after the baby is here…She was right!!!

  14. Shaking my head, smiling with connection and rolling my eyes over this post… AM, are you sure you didn’t know me before Sean was born? I said those exact words when I was pregnant. Oh the many fine meals of crow I have partaken in the past 10 years… and counting.

    However, I have this to suggest: digest your humble pie with a box of chocolate and a glass of wine. It makes it go down so much easier that way.

  15. I actually considered sculpting Pregnant Woman On Soapbox (with a big crow poised overhead). But my kids finished their Happy Meals before I finished and I had to change the channel before Rugrats came on because, you know, I can’t let them watch TOO much of that trash.

  16. Before I had kids, I would refer to a certain population of kids as the ones who went “barefoot in Wal-Mart”.

    Two years ago, I dropped Matthew off at preschool and he informed me that he didn’t put his shoes on that morning which meant he needed to go home. (Clever little guy!) I simply took the shoes off of Thomas, who is almost as big as Matthew even though 2 years younger, and said “Nice try”.

    Driving home, I realized that I desperately needed diapers, so we headed to our local WalMart. When I was taking the kids out of the car, I realized that Thomas had no shoes on.

    Yes, I took my child barefoot to Wal-Mart…..

  17. Even 33 years ago we were that idealistic. Best advice anyone ever gave me was to “never say never in relation to your children”. I didn’t always listen then.

    Great fun reading!

  18. Oh yeah…I’ve got a million of ’em! Too many words to eat. Mostly said as a young single friends watching her married friends make all these mistakes that I was too far above.

    By the way, that is a beautiful picture of you, oh pregnant idealistic one!

  19. Were you really 44 when you were pregnant!? you look so young and gorgeous.
    I have a 6mo old and already eating up a LOT of my pregnant-woman comments.

  20. My all time favorite pre-child comment I made had to do with the bottom of my children’s socks would never be nasty.

    NOW – 6 kids later, as soon as we get home I am tempted to color the bottom of them solid black with markers.

  21. Ha! And the more kids you have, I’m finding, the humbler and fatter ya’get! If there are convictions #1 doesn’t blow out of the water, #2 will arrive on the scene to obliterate some more. (You mean my fabulous parenting was NOT the reason #1 didn’t do that??) Some of those still intact after THAT onslaught of reality will be dealt a deathblow when #3 digs in. #4 will get straight to work on a few more of them, and so on. In the end, I think we’re just left with thankfulness for the awesome privilege of being a mom who is excellent some of the time by the grace of God alone.
    –mom of four, who can’t wait until her toddler will START liking T.V. (don’t tell anyone I said that)

  22. My parents said they NEVER wanted to have twins and certainly not a red-headed child. So guess what they got? You know it: twins, a blonde girl and a red-headed boy. Tell me God does not have a sense of humor.

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