Antique Crazy, Mildly Amusing

It’s Not The Gift, But The Number of Pieces That Counts

100_5590a_2When someone gives your child a birthday gift, the number of pieces that comprises said toy, directly correlates to the degree of fondness that person feels toward you.

For example:

A one-piece toy translates to: I love you and your child and I would lie down on railroad tracks for you. (However, a one-piece toy that makes the kind of noise that drives the average house fly to commit Hari Kari means I love your child, but you on the other hand, still need to be punished for teething in 1961.)

A two-piece toy: I like you enough to remember your kid’s birthday.

A three-piece toy: I’m just here for the cake.

Over three pieces, but less than ten: You are only slightly less annoying than Carrot Top.

Over ten pieces: I want to hurt you.

80+ pieces: I hate you with the fire of a thousand burning nuns suns.

20 thoughts on “It’s Not The Gift, But The Number of Pieces That Counts

  1. I do believe I will find myself giggling periodically throughout the day over the ‘thousand burning nuns’. My sick twisted sense of humor finds this really amusing!

    Oh, and I could not agree more!!!

  2. SO FUNNY. But there’s also the gift that says, “I have no children, have cared for no children, and have no idea that this toy will have you, your spouse, and all other residents of your household committed within hours”. I gave away a LOT of good intentions gifts before I had kids. Some of those friends have come back to repay the debt.
    Even harmless xylophones break me out in hives.

  3. I agree with Angela, I was the classic one who would give small pianos, drums, toys with annoying music, as gifts…now that I have daughter and we

  4. My brother-in-law sent a huge PlayMobil set with over 250 pieces last Christmas. We cursed him and put it in the attic, where it sits unopened.

  5. Oh god ain’t it the truth! When some of my family gives the kids stuff I sometimes want to say, “what the hell did I ever do to you?!?”

  6. How ’bout those gifts that you got your child yourself before you knew any better. The things that rattled and clanked. The little artist sets. I introduced my own child to the pots and pans in the kitchen cabinets. I BOUGHT MY OWN CHILD PLAYDOUGH!!! I should be shot, but having no one to blame but me, I’d have to drag my own sorry ass outside and do it myself! This was just sooo funny!!!!

  7. Oh (gasp) my (wheeze) word (cough/gasp/wheeze)!

    You really need to make this blog into a coffee table book or something. It’s too funny not to be.

  8. To the one who received 250 legos. Keep them and when the giver has a kid, wait till the right moment and give it back!! My brother gave our son age 3, a tool kit, small but with metal hammer etc. I put it up and when his son was born , waited!!!! till the right moment and gave it back!!! What a wonderful feeling!! Revenge!!! Don’t discount it! And when my hubby brought home a ” grocery store” made of tin and with hundreds of tiny cans etc, I wouldn’t even let him do more than show it to me. Back, into the trunk of the car!!!! But if it isn’t a hubby then revenge is best!!

  9. Oh, you are so wise.

    What does a 10 piece band set say? That’s my fav to give to those I’d rather not be invited back to 😉

  10. LSHICOMOS!!!! (Laughing so hard I’m choking on my own spit). I made Dan-O read this too. Oh, man I wish I’d written this first. You are hilarious. Slightly less annoying than Carrot Top…snerkle hee hee.

    This is a very true post.

  11. Or the gifts that say “This will only take you 5 hours to put together (if you are lucky) and you will need a doctorate in engineering to complete it, not to mention knowing how to hold your tongue just right so that it will work on the first attempt (not the 15th) so that your child will not throw himself into the fits of despair when you still can’t get it to work and you throw it into the trash in a moment of insanity and frustration.”

    I usually send that person a puppy with a urinary tract problem for Christmas.

  12. Hmm . . . now I’m feeling VERY guilty about the wooden “workshop bench, complete with hammer!” that we got for my 3-year-old nephew. (His hero is Bob the Builder – cut me some slack!) It was from an expensive, exclusive little “Learn until your kid’s head is bigger than yours” toy store. But we don’t have kids. Oops.

  13. Yes revenge is best – toys requiring obscure batteries, craft kits that need Mum to do all the work and have indelible paint as part of the package, electronic games when you’d previously managed to keep them out of the house, guns with loud space noises – keep a list of the perpetrators and go one better on their child’s birthday!

    Or is that too mean? – maybe just have them babysit and get out all the offending toys for them to entertain your child with for several hours and ask them to have the house tidy for your return as you are expecting important visitors….!

  14. You’d be amazed at how long Sean will spend building towers out of 80 blocks — just to laugh gleefully as he knocks them down.

    Or even longer if Antique Daddy builds them for him.

  15. My sister gave my child a Playmobil set that contained 224 pieces. 224 itsy bitsy pieces. Everything had to be put together…even the leaves stuck on the trees. 224 pieces. She has grandkids now. Revenge is mine.

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