The second installment in a series of three.
In last week’s episode of The Old and The Lifeless, Antique Mommy waited four fun-filled hours to see a cardiologist. This week, Antique Mommy continues to wait. Without any reading material to entertain herself, she joins an imaginary geriatric playgroup.
After four hours of waiting to see the doctor, I had finished reading my book including the forward and the acknowledgements and even the reviews. And the publishing and copyright information. And the ISBN. I read a coupon I found on the floor. Popular Mechanics. Subscribe Now And Get 40% Off Cover Price! I cleaned out my purse and read the label on my tube of lipstick and the fine print on the back of each of my credit cards.
I looked over at Granny Clampett sitting next to me with her big black bag strapped around her. I wondered what she could possibly have in that bag and I fantasized about going through it.
When her gray head finally lolled back and tiny puffs of air began to rhythmically escape her lips, I knew she was asleep. I gently lifted the bony translucent hand that gripped the mysterious bag and quietly placed it beside her. She shifted suddenly in her seat and released a loud CUCK-CUCK-CUUUCCKK through parted lips. I startled and jumped back into my seat, pretending to be engrossed in Popular Mechanics. After a moment, I slid my eyes from behind the magazine to see that she had settled back into a deep slumber. I gingerly lifted her other hand from the bag and then quickly and deftly pulled the bag over her head. The purse was a lot heavier than it looked. The strap caught on the back of her neck and launched her head forward, leaving her chin to rest on her chest. She twitched. I held my breath and tried to quickly think of how I would explain to her what I was doing with her purse if she were to awaken. “I was bored and I just wanted to look through it” didn’t seem very plausible. I waited a second or two and then I leaned in close to make sure she was still breathing. She was. I quickly pulled open the bag to find seven prescription bottles, crumpled Kleenex and
KGB papers…. a large blue heart-shaped stone surrounded by diamonds…. the rare Canadian marmoset that had gone missing from the Ft. Worth Zoo
A loud voice jarred me back to reality — fantasticus interruptus. “Mrs. Clampett, the doctor will see you now,” the nurse called from the doorway. “Praise God!” Granny said sarcastically with jazz hands wavering about her ears. As she struggled to rise out of her seat, she turned to me and said, “Good luck to ya honey.” Then she stood and rocked unsteadily on her feet for a moment before hobbling towards the door taking her big black bag and my entertainment with her.
I decided that when I finally got in to see that doctor I was really going to give him a piece of my mind. I settled back in my chair and acted out in my mind the different ways that scenario could play out. In each episode, the part of me was played by Charlize Theron. In Demi Moore’s voice I fired off biting one-liners that left the doctor and his entire staff speechless and contrite and in awe of my snarkitude.
So my good doctor, you think you can keep me waiting like that, do you?
Well think again Buster!… We’ll just see about that mister!…
Just wait till your father gets home buddy!
Four hours of listening to old people talk about their poop and pills had left me so dull that I was not only fantasizing about an old lady’s purse but bereft of a single snide remark.
A proper and punishing display of my indignant outrage was going to require some creativity. I needed some more time to come up with just the right turn of phrase – intelligent yet venomous. I had plenty of venom but I was running seriously low on intelligence. Just then the nurse appeared and called, “Mrs. Antique, the doctor will see you now.”
Dr. Larson episodes 1 and 3 can be found at Best of Antique Mommy.