Always Real, Mildly Amusing, Sometimes Tart

Some Assembly (And Tequila) Required

We are officially in the dead of summer here in Texas.

My flip flops have melted into the pavement like bubble gum. What the mole hasn’t destroyed of my lawn, the sun has burnt beyond recognition. I can barely stand the sight of my shorts and tank tops that I couldn’t wait to wear back in April. I have soured on summer. I am ready to break up with summer. If summer were my boyfriend, I would beat him to death with my electric bill. The thrill of summer is gone folks.

Because it has been so miserable outside, Sean and I have been spending a lot of time indoors together. A lot of time indoors together. Which has given us both a bad case of cabin fever, the primary symptom of which is repeating ones self. Repeating ones self.

One afternoon last week, in a state of Freon-induced dementia, I decided to get out our Ryan’s RoomTent3_1 Mambo Combo Tent Playhouse and assemble it in the den in an effort to occupy and amuse my child thus alleviating the symptoms of cabin fever and so that I might avoid cannibalizing my child for yet another day. Although my precious little spawn is mighty tasty – a little like cheese enchiladas.

In my mind, my very tiny blonde mind, I imagined my child sitting quietly and patiently nearby assisting me in the construction of Ryan’s Room, handing me the little white framing tubes upon request like a surgical nurse. Delusion is another symptom of cabin fever. Another symptom.

What Ryan doesn’t tell you about his stupid room is that the assembly of the 147 parts requires an advanced engineering degree, the flexibility of a Chinese acrobat and the patience of Mother Teresa. I have none of these things.

Because I am a methodical person when delusional, I dumped out all the parts and sorted them putting all parts of similar shape and size together. Because Sean is also methodical, he resorted all parts of similar shape and size into one big pile, which he stuffed into the bowels of the sofa. Yet, I managed to assemble one whole tent frame without losing it. Too much. It was a feat of engineering and personal restraint.

As I stood back to admire my work, Antique Daddy walked through and asked how I planned to get the frame inside the nylon tent form. Some people are so annoyingly logical. Of course I had a plan. My plan was to curse Ryan and his room and his tents and his mother and father. Then I would locate the nylon tent form, which Sean had filled with Brio train tracks and taken somewhere. Then I would disassemble the frame, afterwhich I would wedge my antique behind into the flaccid boneless yet cheerfully colored tent form and finally I would reconstruct the frame from the inside. Right after I remembered where I last put the Tequila.

So I disassembled the frame, resorted the parts, crawled into the deflated tent and asked Sean to hand me one of the long white plastic rods, labeled A so that I might begin constructing our afternoon of summer fun. As I stuck my hand out to receive Part A, I felt Part A beating me on top the head. Beating me on top the head. And then I lost it. I tried to get out of the tent and have a word about respect with the boy, but I was trapped like an angry cat in a pillow case.

And then I realized I was craving a Margarita and cheese enchiladas.

22 thoughts on “Some Assembly (And Tequila) Required

  1. Oh My Goodness. I was laughing so hard that I almost fell over and my daughter came running over,eager to see what was so funny. I told her it was not for her at which she replied, “When I’m older you tell me.” Too funny. My stomach muscles hurt from laughing so hard.

  2. You see, you had it backwards. Backwards. If you’d had the margaritas and enchaladas FIRST, everything would have fallen into place. I’m sure of it. Sure of it.

  3. And what’s with the hateful verification? This is seriously what I had to type for that last one: h8yuvu

    Is it me or does that say “hate you view”? As in your viewpoint is no good? Very nice. I’ll be back. 😀 LOL.

  4. GIRL!! It’s HOT. It’s SO stinkin’ hot!! I cannot STAND how hot it is!!! How LONG will it be hot? I will never get new clothes, because I’m trying to keep my bread from molding the INSTANT I bring it home (not trying to cool the house — we certainly cannot afford THAT). But, who needs clothes when it will be 112* until Jesus comes again? Oh, and did I mention that for hubby’s job tomorrow I will go stand in a parking lot at noon to daintily clap for rich people giving buckets of money for a new building with new air conditioning that we can’t even use b/c we have to look at the building. I’m rambling — it’s b/c of the heat.

    No, no, no — assemble NOTHING — it’s too stinkin’ hot!! Have a margarita and enchiladas every day!

  5. I am still laughing…TEARS and all! I wandered over here from Rocks in My Dryer.

    I live in Central Texas so I can feel your pain! I tell you what, though, instead of beating him with the electric bill, slice him up with it – millions of papercuts. 🙂

    I finally broke down and watered the grass today because I am pretty sure God has a problem with cruel an unusual torture of St. Augustine grass. I mean, it’s named after a saint for goodness sakes.

    Anyway, I really enjoyed this post – so much so that I think I sprained something in my side from laughing so hard with my feet propped up on the desk!


  6. Oh my word yes, YES, and did I say YES!!
    It is so very hot here in TX. So those ninnies back in CA complained about the over 100 they had for, what? Maybe just a week. Oh, and I can call them ninnies cause I am a CA girl and my family is still there. It is way serious cabin fever, bad! I have the 4 kiddos and because I homeschool, we just don’t ever leave the house unless we have to. But as you know that makes for very grumpy kids and mommy too! Ya know…I am starting to feel like a ninny too, I want to go back to CA! WAAH!

  7. Bring them on….LOTS of margartias…and enchiladas…..that is so funny….soemting that would happen to me…except my dad and brother are engineers and they would be telling me how to do it and what to do to where I would be watching them put it all together while drinking a margaritas….

  8. That was so funny and so true. We get insanity/cabin fever here in Maine in February. Only in my house it is four against one. Although if I remember correctly, one is a lot harder to entertain the 4. Hang in there…fall is coming. It was 45 degrees here this morning. I have a wool sweater on….

  9. As a fellow North Texas mommy of one, I am oozing empathy. One can only frequent the indoor play places of Chik-Fil-A, McD’s and such for so long. You get *very* desperate. This is THE worst and most brutal summer I can ever remember. Hang in there. I have ZILCH guilt regarding the amount of mindless TV my daughter has watched so far.

  10. Yes as your fellow Texan neighbor I can definately relate to the heat.
    This post was so funny, I think I too wet myself. I read it to my 15 year old and he laughed hysterically. You know you are awesome if you can get a 15 year old to laugh that hard. I wish someone could have taken pictures!!!

  11. OMG that is hilarious. May I recommend a $12 tent from Ikea that goes up and down rather painlessly and quickly.

    How was the marg?

  12. Personally, my plans are usually to buy it, open it, take out the pieces and then ask my husband if he will put it together for me while I go make dinner. 😉

  13. just what I needed after spendig $800 at the ER vet today. seems Gracie at the ripe old age of four is starting to having seizures (epileptic). seriously, i needed some cheering up and couldn’t wait to get home and catch up on the antics of AM. Did the trick. (having gone without a “fix” for several days while F’s hard drive was touring Pittsburg!)

  14. Funny. At least you had something to do all day instead of sitting around thinking about cabin fever. I don’t think I would of even been able to deal with this thing for even a 1/2 hour. Pat yourself on the back. and go get a margarita!

  15. OH. MY. GOODNESS! I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Then you had to go and say, “but I was trapped like an angry cat in a pillow case.” and that was it for me. I spewed tea ALL. OVER. my desk and up my nose (IT BURNS!), thankyouverymuch!

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