Antique Crazy, Mildly Amusing, Parenting Gone Awry

The Roller Coaster

You must be at least 4-feet-tall to ride this ride. Please remain sedated seated and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. Do not attempt to exit the ride until happy hour it has come to a full and complete stop.

7am: Aaaaw! Look at him sleeping. What an angel! I adore him. How lucky I am to be his mother.

8am: You wanna wear this shirt? No? Okay, don’t cry. How about this shirt? No? Please, don’t cry. How about this shirt? No? Okay. You’re crying. Don’t cry. You want to wear this? Okay, but that’s not a shirt, it’s a bandana. This is not a fun game. I don’t want to play anymore. It’s someone else’s turn to be the mommy. I want to be the lady who goes shoe shopping.

9am: Ooooh! Thank you for the kiss my sweet little soldier. I wuv oo too punkins! It’s so great to be a mom!

10am: What do you mean mommy’s purse is in the toilet? WHAT was I thinking having a kid? I have no business having a kid. I shouldn’t be left in charge of anybody with less than four legs!

11am: Aaaaw-uh! Look at him quietly watching Elmo, his little eyeballs glued to the TV. He is such a good boy! I love being a mom!

Noon: Why is the VCR smoking? You did WHAT? You put your juice box in the VCR? Good gravy I’m not even a competent baby sitter – what am I doing with a kid?!

1pm: Aaaaaw! Look at him sleeping! My precious boy! What a blessing it is to be a mother.

2pm: Throwing Macaroni and Cheese is NOT an acceptable form of dissent! DO YOU hear me buster? Neither is throwing the spoon! Neither is throwing…. Okay! O! K! FOR YOU MY FRIEND! I am not mother-material! I do NOT! look good in Macaroni and Cheese!

3pm: Aaaaaaw! Look at him coloring in his coloring book. How he loves to color! He is artistic like me! Motherhood is so rewarding.

3:05pm. X#%*&! That’s not a coloring book! That’s my new book on Post-Impressionist painting! So help me! Whose kid is this?

5pm: For the 10th time, I don’t know WHY, okay? I don’t know the answer to anything! Is my shift over yet? This wasn’t on the motherhood syllabus!

6pm: Aaaaaaw! Look at my precious boy helping mommy set the table for dinner. What a good boy. Being a mom is such a joy. Hey can you bring the spoons back please? Hey… where ya’ going with those spoons. Hey….

7pm: It would be better if you kept the bath water in the tub. The water needs to stay…. I’m just saying…. What the hell AM I saying? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Am I still speaking English?

8pm: Aaaaw! Look at him sleeping in his little footsie pajamas like a little mookie wookie! He is so darn cute I can’t stand it. I adore him. I wish I had ten more just like him! Being a mom is the greatest thing ever.

Please watch your step as you exit the ride. The next ride starts tomorrow at 7am.

38 thoughts on “The Roller Coaster

  1. That is why we had a vasectomy when I was pregnant with my 5th child, lol. And why we had it reversed a few years later, lol. And why I wonder if we should get it done again……… No, kids are so sweet, we’ll keep having kids. No, that fist fight at the bus stop this morning, we should definately stop….. Oh but that wonderful parent teacher conference last night, we’re doing something right…… NOT ONE OF my TEENS did their chores last night after I let them stay up watching a movie on a school night????
    Why am I doing this??? Oh, those sweet baby sighs…… only 5 days to go until those sweet baby sighs are on my breast again…… ahhhh, thats why!
    God is so good! He gives us joy to compensate for all the craziness!
    One of my kids thought it would be fun to break an entire bookshelf of my glass vase collection one at a time while in a diaper barefoot, so I couldn’t scream at him and I couldn’t run to him or we’d have cut feet, lol. I don’t miss any of those vases now, 16 years later.
    God bless,

  2. Were Seth and Kale separated at birth? Or are they simply reading from the same manual?

    And I’m with Chili ~ GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!

  3. I barely made it in. Being only 4’9″, not only do I have to ride the roller coaster, but I have to ride it with kids who are taller than me by the time they are 10 years old! Gotta love it! And them!

  4. Ever since I was a kid, I have loved roller coaster and I love the mommy one too! You had me in stitches! It is all so true and exactly like that!

  5. It indeed is a ride worth riding, even if you get lots of headaches and feel nauseous half the time.

    You could name it “The Death-defying, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde ride of Motherhood.”

  6. heh, heh, heh…I think I laughed most at the coloring book – it really takes less than five minutes for inocuous things like crayons to be used for completely dastardly deeds. My niece crawled up on her mom’s bed with a crayon and drew a huge mural above the head board while her mom was in the bathroom (2 minutes!). The only way they could get rid of the graffiti was paint over it, which they did while precious was napping. And when she woke up, she almost immediately fell on the floor sobbing, “Where’s my pitchos?!?!?!” Gotta love the ups and downs.

  7. Motherhood defined. Sometimes even in their worst moments I’m thinking “good one” to a clever but disrespectful comment or “they really have artistic talent” when scrubbing the marker from the walls. And sometimes I wish their real mother would come get them.

  8. I used to always get all sentimental whenever A Baby Story would come on TLC and think how I really needed to have more kids.

    It took me a few years to realize that that show conveniently came on every day *while my children were napping*. No wonder it always seemed like a good idea at the time!

  9. ROFL. This wouldn’t be nearly so funny if it weren’t also so true. Even with children who are 8 and 11, the scenario could be me on any given day. It certainly is a roller coaster ride.

  10. How do you always come up with these clever- but SO TRUE- analogies! I loved this! It describes everyday feelings of motherhood so well!

  11. And after the roller coaster comes the big ski jump where you have to cut the umbilical cord and watch them fly freely and joyfully away —- knowing that if they never return — you never really had them in the first place.

  12. This post completely describes my day with my 3 year old. I don’t know how I can love him so much one minute yet get so exasperated the next. (forgive the spelling, not my best subject.) Boys are funny people to begin with, so life with them sure is a roller coaster. Maybe they are not funny, maybe it’s just us girls. At least thats what my hubby would tell me.

  13. You nailed it! One minute I am so frustrated, the next minute, I’m kissing all over them. I wouldn’t change my life with any one else’s or for any amount of money or fame, etc.

  14. I’ll never forget something that a “seasoned mom” said once at a MOPS meeting. She said she would give anything, her retirement, anything, to have one more day with her children as toddlers. I hang on to that. With white knuckles.

  15. So, it’s not just me?!? My first, and only, will be one next month. We’re discussing brothers and sisters. I am scared. Good to know it’s like this for everyone.

  16. Motherhood is the only non-hereditary excuse for bipolar disorder that I know of and you’ve so eloquently illustrated that right here!

  17. Patience is a virtue. I wish I had more of it… I can’t wait till my 20 month old can tell me in clearer words what he wants. patienceisavirtuepatienceisavirtue…. my new mantra…

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