Christmas, Mildly Amusing, Wal-Mart

Peace On Earth Good Will Towards Electric Cart Ladies

Yesterday I discovered that we were dangerously low on plastic sparkly Christmas stuff. How on earth could we celebrate the birth of Our Savior without a plastic toad wearing a Santa hat for our fake tree? We couldn’t y’all, we just couldn’t. So off I went to Wal-Mart in search of Christmas.

If you’ve ever been to a Wal-Mart – and I suspect you have if you are still reading – you’ve probably wondered why on earth they make the Christmas aisles so dang narrow? Are they not aware that their customers are by and large (pun intended) super-sizers? My suspicion is that the guys who man the security cameras are also the ones who set up the aisles and they are just hoping some sort of incident will break out, some sort of electric cart lady-crazed mommy incident. That would make some good YouTube.

And so.

Thursday morning I find myself wearing Wal-Mart athletic wear in the Wal-Mart holiday department. And I know right then that nothing good can come of this.

I make a right turn down the blue/white ornament aisle and I notice that there is a sizeable lady in her electric cart taking up more aisle than would allow me to pass with or without a cart. So I kind of stand there for a minute and attempt to look beyond her to see if I really even want to be in the blue/white row.

I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be in the blue/white row because I’ve been in the blue/white row almost every day this week. I guess I think the stockers put out the good stuff out after I leave. But they don’t. It’s the same blue/white crap stuff that they put out in September, but a fresh supply of blue/white crap stuff. But what I think it demonstrates to y’all is how hopeful I am. I am a person with hope. A person who hopes to discover the mother lode of fresh blue/white sparkly plastic cr stuff that Wal-Mart has been holding out on us.

As I’m standing there looking beyond electric cart lady, I notice that her head looks like a pea perched atop a sack of flour. She can’t turn her head, so she just turns her eyes. She sighs at me and gives me this “Do you mind?” look, as though I were trying to read a newspaper over her shoulder. Apparently I didn’t see the Do Not Disturb sign on the blue/white aisle. I give her my “No problemo!” smile and baby step back out of the aisle. I am in the Christmas spirit. God rest ye merry electric cart ladies!”

No problem is right. There is more stuff from whence the blue/white stuff came just one aisle over. I head for the red/green or hot pink/lime or silver/white or wooden/country aisle because I’m all patient and easy going like that and it’s the holiday season! Somebody get that electric cart lady some figgy pudding!

As I’m standing in the country ornament aisle looking at the fabulous array of tacky beautiful foreign factory made hand-crafted ornaments that have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas, I hear the hum of electric cart lady coming down “my” aisle. She pulls her cart within inches of my knee. And she stares at me. She clears her throat. I look at her expectantly thinking perhaps she wants me to reach something for her. “Can you move? I need to get through,” she says in a voice that sounds eerily like Beevis.

I respond by saying:

a) That thang got a reverse on it?
b) Your point is?
c) You’re not the boss of me.
d) I’d like to see you get off that thing and make me.

Because I fear being featured on YouTube if I get into a fight with an electric cart lady in the Wal-Mart holiday department, I instead say, “Sure. Let me just grab my Santa Toad and I’ll be out of your way. Can I get one for you too?”

33 thoughts on “Peace On Earth Good Will Towards Electric Cart Ladies

  1. Take comfort in the fact that she couldn’t reach anything above shoulder level. It is hard to be gracious and accomodating when you are getting run out of every aisle. Hopefully Wal-Mart will be accomodating someday and we can all peacefully co-exist.

  2. I think Wal Mart purposely designs its stores with narrow aisles to keep security and management entertained. So many times I find myself in the same situation and have to fight my natural instinct to be catty with folks…I do as you do and grin and bear it.

  3. Unfortunately rude people come in all shapes and sizes these days. It seems I get run over equally by the blue haired ladies on the electric carts and the platinum blonde trophy wives with their perfect french manicures. My solution, I avoid Wal-Mart whenever humanly possible. I enjoy your writing, you are one funny lady!

  4. Oh dear. I’ve run into that VERY lady in OUR Wal-Mart! She must be on the payroll as part of the security-camera-entertainment system. How DO they run ads for that position? “Wanted: sizeable women with small heads able to drive electric carts through narrow spaces with a bad attitude”?

  5. LOL, I think there’s a lady like that in every WalMart! Maybe they do hire them to see how much crap customers will put up with? LOL!

  6. My four-year-old nearly got mowed down by a gigantic electric cart lady in a Walmart. Perhaps they’re actually installed there by the store to help their customers’ cardiovascular health – if so, God bless them.

  7. Part of me was sympathetic towards her because I’m sure she get’s a lot of grief and gets looked over all the time. On the other hand, she did seem to take delight in making sure no one else could access the merchandise. And yes, as someone mentioned, rude people come in all shapes and sizes.

  8. You’re too kind! No, really I would have behaved in just the same way, but only because I would be too afraid to say what I really felt like saying, which is probably a very good thing. ; )

  9. I, too, would be afraid to offend Allen Funt in drag for fear that it is a TV stunt. I really wanted to say that you are certifiably nuts and my favorite sit-down comedian ever. Anyone who can make a visit to WalMart funny deserves a medal or a cookie! I’ve started reading your blog out loud to my husband, so we can share the laugh.

  10. God rest your merry electric cart lady loving soul for your patience. I think I would have leaned on the side of option A.

    And thanks for the link!

  11. Bless Her! She NEEDED that ugly Wal-Mart Christmas crup so she could go home and nag someone to put it up and, later, to take it down!

    Another thing: Are we all afraid we’re going to end up on YouTube? I was thinking that same thing the other day…

  12. OMG … I can’t believe you just wrote about my very experience TODAY … in the Wal-Mart Christmas aisle. I’m serious, someday, I will boycott Wal-Mart, because of all those electric shopping cart ladies … really! But I can’t yet … because I need Wal-Mart too much …

  13. It is a terrible dilema – to have to decide which of the three of you is the funniest. I think I’ll have to join you and Sean and pick all three. I just love your posts. You say so humorously and brilliantly just exacatly what I’ve thought more times than I’d like to admit.

  14. Doggone it – I spelled dilemma wrong. That’s the second time I’ve misspelled a word on someone’s post this week. Just displaying my ignorance for all the world to see:)

  15. AS a nurse, let me tell you that my tolerance for these people is very, very low.

    They do not have any more right to shop than you. Just because they are too fat/have a bad knee because they are too fat/have a bad back because they are too fat…does not entitle them to expect you to get the hell out of their way.

    Speaking as a fat nurse with a bum knee and a bad back. Also, I’m old.

    Do not let these people bully you. Believe me, if you could see the way they behave in the hospital….


  16. Good for you, you’re a virtual Captain Christmas. Don’t let fat people in electric shopping carts deprive you of the joys of the season and your Christmas toad! 🙂 Oh and you crack me up.

  17. You are so nice. I would have more than likely done the same thing, but when you tell it I want to say one of the other choices! (Did that make any sense?) Anyway, I can’t laugh out loud because I would wake everyone up, but I wanted to!!!

  18. Crap. I really really wanted you to say… “I will just in a moment.” or “You didn’t move for me when I needed in the aisle a minute ago.” or even “Only if you say PLEASE!” LOL.

  19. That is hilarious. I got your blog from Denise, she said you were really funny, and you are!! Loved the Wal-mart story, and could see it in my head as you described it perfectly. Probably because that happens to me all the time & I leave there cursing Wal-mart, swearing I’ll never go there again…..and then a week later…I do. *SIGH* Oh well.

  20. Too funny. And the perfect example of why I get this overwhelming desire to flee in the opposite direction every time the holidays roll around.

  21. I just read your post to the whole family and we had the best LAUGH. And I am the same way, I keep checking what I’ve checked before to see if they’ve put anything new out! Glad to realize that makes me hopeful and not obsessive like I thought.

  22. The most outrageous part of the electric cart lady is that she can walk as well as you and I..she’s just too f’ing lazy to.

  23. Why do we dance around things that we see as different? If someone had a physical or emotional ailment that we couldn’t see, we might just be ourselves and honest.

    You write so well.

    The cart lady. Motorization in a big way is no excuse for RUDENESS.

  24. hello, antique mommy! My sister recommended your blog to me. I found it absolutely histerical. Glad I stopped by on the cyber highway to meet you!
    Incidentally, my sister is aka: knighton

  25. I ran into your electric cart lady today at K-Mart in the Christmas isle or should I say she ran into me. No apology or anything, just a glare. I wanted to say “EXCUSE. ME.” but remembering your electric cart lady post, I just nicely smiled and wished her a Merry Christmas. I almost heard a snarl!

  26. Okay, you are sickeningly mature! I would have probably scoffed or rolled my eyes. I get pretty annoyed when people (in a electric cart or not) take up the whole aisle. I am too non-confrontational to ask them to move, so I stand there nonchalantly looking past them. Then I’m mad when they don’t read my mind and move! The nerve! =)

  27. As far as Wal Mart widening aisles anytime soon, forget it.
    They have only 1 thing in mind, to sell their cheaply acquired stuff, + as much of it as possible, to as many people as possible. They don’t care about the individual at all, just our money that we spend in their stores.
    Yes, I use Wal Mart, but only because I have no other choice. That’s the problem, we no longer have a choice as far as where we can shop anymore for the things of every day life that we need.
    I am 1 who wishes for the return of K Marts, Woolworth’s, etc.

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