Antique Embarrassment, Mildly Amusing

Make Up Bag, Then and Now

If you are under the age of 27, you probably don’t want this information. Go on then and enjoy your firm skin and lip gloss and live life ignorantly blissful for another 20 years. And when you see me tweezing my chin in the car, just look the other way. Then: 1987 Now: 2007 Then: Lip Gloss (sparkly strawberry) Now: Lipstick (age-defying, non-bleeding, matte-finish) Then: Concealer for zits Now: Concealer for zits and dark circles Then: Mini-pad (in case I start) Now: Mini-pad (in case I sneeze) Then: Eyelash curler Now: Tweezers Then: Hair spray Now:…

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Papa George, Tuna

Canned Peaches

At what point in life do you start keeping canned peaches in the bathroom? And what does it mean? a) Collecting canned goods is my hobby b) I spend way too much time at the grocery store c) Sometimes I crave peaches at the mostly unlikely of times d) All of the above. On a recent visit to Tuna, I opened the linen closet in my father-in-law’s bathroom expecting to find, oh I don’t know, a washcloth or a towel or maybe even a Q-Tip. But no. Out rolled a #10 can of peaches onto my…

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Antique Crazy, Mildly Amusing

PP Protocol

Overheard from the bathroom: Antique Daddy: Okay, aim…. Very good…. No Sean, you don’t need toilet paper. Sean: But Mommy give me toilet paper. Antique Daddy: Yeah, but she’s a girl and she doesn’t know any better.

Always Real, School, Sometimes Tart

I’m Thinking Of Taking Up Tennis Again

Back in September, on the first day of school, Sean bounced right into the classroom and started playing with the train set. He didn’t look back or take notice when I left the room, so I left feeling smugly satisfied with how well it went. I flashed “poor you” glances at the mothers whom I passed in the hall on my way out, sobbing mothers pulling unwilling children down the hall like stubborn mules, mother’s whose children aren’t as secure and well adjusted as mine. Tsk. And that was the last time I took Sean to…

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Mildly Amusing, Parenting Gone Awry, Reruns and Leftovers

The Poo Poo Driven Life Redux

This post was originally published in May of 2006. The Poo Poo Driven Life After years of extensive research, okay really just a few days, I have developed a thoughtfully considered potty training system. By “thoughtfully considered” I mean it came to me the other night while I was sipping Sangria. Actually it’s not really a sytem, but a plan. Well, actually it’s not even a plan. It’s more like a whim. A whim that I’m marketing as the “The Poo Poo Driven Life”. Since Sean began showing an increased interest in using the toilet, I…

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Mildly Amusing, Parenting Gone Awry, Potty Training

BM For 3M

Earlier this week I was visiting with a friend whom I had not seen for a while. I was catching her up on all things Sean when she asked me if he was potty trained yet. I said good heavens no, but we were kind of working on it. Sorta. Maybe. And then she said, “Oh really? What do you think the problem is?” Problem? PROBLEM? For some reason that word got my hackles up. I did not think I had a problem. And to be clear, this is a dear friend who meant no offense…

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Mildly Amusing, Outsmarted, Use Your Words

When Things Are Askew

This morning I was trying to get Sean dressed for Sunday school and made the mistake of trying to help him put on his socks. After he yelled, “NO! I DO IT MYSELF!” I deduced that he didn’t want my help. I’m intuitive like that. For three or four minutes, I watched him wrestle the sock onto his little square Fred Flintstone foot and somehow I managed to resist the unbearable urge to DO IT FOR HIM. After he got his sock on, I noticed that he had the heel part in the front and I…

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Always Real, Antique Crazy, Mildly Amusing

The Freezer

The freezer is the place where you store food for two years before you throw it away. The End. No, not quite the end. After you chunk six cubic feet of unrecognizable two-year-old frozen gray matter into the trash, you haul it out to the curb for your most favorite of civil servants, the trash collectors — the saintly men who take away the diapers. And then the next morning, when you go out to get the newspaper, you find a ham bone on your driveway, the same ham bone that two years ago, you were…

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Mildly Amusing, Wal-Mart

Some Occasions Just Call For Fancy

I went to Wal-Mart today and there was no incident. I just wanted to report that. However. Last week when Sean and I went grocery shopping, he was very insistent that he wear his dress shoes. With his sweatpants. I tried to tell him there was no reason to get all fancied up, that we were just going to Wal-Mart and he might not want to go to the trouble. But he was insistent saying, “I need to be fancy.” And well, I can understand that. Sometimes one needs to be fancy, even if it is…

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Family Stories, Reruns and Leftovers, Southern Living

Nothing To Complain About

After three months of freezing weather, too much cookie dough and entirely too much plenty of togetherness at the House of Antique, I am feeling the urge to complain. I am not a winter person. It seeps into my bones and settles into my soul. Like a chest cold. (Correction: Someone just mentioned that it hasn’t been three months, just three days. Sorry. My bad.) Ironically it was just this time last year I was feeling the same way. After I dislodged my nose from my navel I wrote the following post. Ode To Granny McKee…

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