Always Real, Antique Crazy, Mildly Amusing

The Freezer

The freezer is the place where you store food for two years before you throw it away.

The End.

No, not quite the end.

After you chunk six cubic feet of unrecognizable two-year-old frozen gray matter into the trash, you haul it out to the curb for your most favorite of civil servants, the trash collectors — the saintly men who take away the diapers. And then the next morning, when you go out to get the newspaper, you find a ham bone on your driveway, the same ham bone that two years ago, you were going to use to make some gourmet soup. The soup you were going to serve in your delusional Martha Stewart world where you make quaint Christmas ornaments out of tin cans and paperclips and edible entrees out of chunks of frosty gray stuff. And then you scurry around in your robe in 29-degree weather picking 2004’s leftover Thanksgiving dinner off your neighbor’s lawn before the sun comes up.

The End.

Sorry Clarence Birdseye. It’s true. The only things I’ve ever used out of my freezer are: popsicles, Cool Whip and…. let me think – oh, ice cubes! And Margarita mix. That’s it. The four basic food groups.

I hear of these large families who buy food on sale and they grow vegetables and they freeze it all. In a freezer! And then from the bounty of their freezer, they are able to feed their families of 29 for $1.37 a year! And I don’t know how they do it. Because for me, once something goes into the freezer, that’s the end of it – outta sight and outta mind! For two years!

Well, out of sight until I’m picking it out of my bushes at 5:30 in the morning.

40 thoughts on “The Freezer

  1. …don’t forget the precious precious bags of pumped milk. Sorted by date and stacked neatly amidst the chaos of ham bones and crystallized ice cream.

    On my first work trip after my little one was born I made my hubby send me a picture of the milk stash to help remind me that the kid wouldn’t starve without me!

  2. Hey, does that mean you’re going to toss all those onions I tossed for you and put into the freezer?! Hmph.

    I’ll gladly come and do it again if it means spending more time with you. (I just won’t cut as many next time…)

  3. This is strangely reminiscent of my strategy for mending. It works so well I’ve been thinking of using it for a Works for Me Wednesday. It goes like this:

    1. Put item which needs mending in the mending basket.

    2. Wait.

    3. Child outgrows item and/or item becomes freakishly outdated.

    4. Send item to charity/trashcan.

    I guess you could add pick it out of the neighbor’s yard the next morning if you really wanted to…

    (I would like to take this opportunity to high five myself for spelling reminiscent correctly on the first try, although I goofed on “strategy” and spelled it “stragedy” and now I’ve got that Bee Gee’s song stuck in my head. “When the feeling’s gone and you can’t go on…”)

  4. A couple of years ago I decided that I would be very Martha-y and freeze chicken stock in ice cube trays and save leftover pot roast in Ziploc bags so that I would have all the beginnings of a lovely soup or stew. You know, for all the cold wintry nights here in Alabama when I hang my cast iron soup pot next to the fireplace and then use a shovel as a cornbread pan.

    AHEM.

    So when we moved and had to clean out our freezer, what did I find but unused chicken stock cubes and frozen roast beef remnants? And David remarked that while he was sure a soup made from two year old freezer-burned beef fat would in fact be DELICIOUS, he was kicking it all to the curb.

    In our house, the freezer seems to be where good food goes to die.

  5. It doesn’t get any better with age — I’m still throwing out perfectly good food (well, it was when it went in there). I have to hide it in the middle of the garbage bag on Sunday nights, so my hubby doesn’t know how I fritter away his hard earned money. At least we don’t have the type of freezer trash Jeffrey Dahmer saved in his freezer — I hope?

  6. i was teased endlessly by my friends growing up because we had a deep freeze. my mother froze:
    -potato chips
    -cereal
    -bread
    -cookies
    …and other assorted food items that i can not recall at this moment.
    as a mother, i have learned to use the freezer for these things:
    -teething rings
    -chicken nuggets
    -eggos
    -vodka

  7. This is a great post, but CRUDZILLA! I was working on a post about the “crisper” in our refrigerator. Or…as we refer to it…”the rotter”. I went to the store today and bought more stuff and soon found that there was no more room for bags of salad…except in the crisper. But once it goes it, that’s it. I promise I’m not copying you. A story about the rotter was going to happen eventually.

  8. one last thought…
    my step-m.i.l. informed us earlier this year when she was cleaning out their freezer, that my f.i.l. had frozen, um, unidentifiable items in there dated 1998. scary.

  9. Amy,
    Hopefully no one you know.

    I had a boyfriend in highschool who had an Oscar fish – they are big and ugly if you are unfamiliar. He was really attached to Oscar and when he went the way of all things, Oscar not the boyfriend, he put him in the freezer. That was 1978. I think Oscar is probably still in his mother’s freezer.

    Come to think of it, I’d certainly rather find a hambone on my driveway than Oscar.

  10. I put food in my freezer with such good intentions, but have NEVER actually eaten any of it.

    I’m cracking up at you picking up 2004’s Thanksgiving dinner. Think of all the time you could have saved this past November 😉

  11. I had freezer-burned homemade jam in mine. I had a Martha-esque thought of making jam to give to my neighbors, along with homemade challah bread, for Christmas. Since I never made the bread, I finally just tossed the jam.

    I’m really not sure, exactly, why I even have a freezer. Even the frozen stuffed pig-shaped boo-boo pad doesn’t get used; my kids hate it.

  12. I forgot to mention our friend, the vet, whose m-i-l defrosted a cow’s uterus for dinner. (It was awaiting shipment to a lab) When I worked maternity, we froze all our placentas for sale to a cosmetics company. Makes you think differently about what you smear on you face—-

  13. we lost all of our deep freezer items the week of Christmas (including the Christmas turkey) thanks to our carpet cleaner.

    It included lots of venison that my husband harvested and spent hours butchering himself…

    Who know what is in my fridge freezer though… scary thought…

    Blessings,
    Karla

  14. My freezer is the dank pit of scariness. We have some venison that we were given and that I will never, ever, eat, and mostly, that’s it. Oh, and some things we bought on sale four years ago. Maybe I should clean it out one of these days….
    My fridge freezer, though – THAT is where all the action is. Juice, ice cream, the meat for the week and toaster waffled: the staples of life.

  15. Yeah Everyday Daddy, you better scram before we start talking about that time of the month and our feelings…. KIDDING! Everyone knows I’m beyond both of those things!

  16. I have everything arranged in color coded alphabetical order in my freezer. I’m one of those insane shoppers that buys in bulk and repackages everything in meal size freezer bags. It’s a sickness.

    However, I hardly ever look on the door of said freezer. I really should. I found a frozen dead fish there that I intended to take back to the pet store. The return policy clearly stated 3 days. I must have misunderstood that to mean 3 months.

  17. LOL! I think I’m one of the few people that actually uses the things in my freezer. I stock up on chicken and hamburger and hot dogs to fill it up, I have homemade freezer jam, and if I’m lucky a gallon or two of ice cream.

  18. That is too funny! I just cleaned out my freezer today! Now, the stuff in there wasn’t two years old (because we haven’t lived in this house that long), but there were some suspicious looking *meals* in there that I thought I might defrost and heat up for dinner, oh a few (ok six) months ago. YUCK! But, now I have a very clean freezer and no six month old meals to serve! 🙂 Have a great weekend!

  19. Waking up to the trash strewn around is a major drag!

    What can I say, I am one of the large family + freezer types, but I do lose alot of items that fall to the bottom and get freezer burn. You know, the frozen meat that is unidentifiable because of all the ice crystals covering it!

  20. Funny, I typed in “toilet paper swimsuit” into Google, and this is where I arrived (I’m researching a toilet paper art post for my site).

  21. We’ve twice bought 1/4 of a cow, and BOTH times someone unplugged the freezer………… yep, stinky!!!! really bad when it happened in August……. We stopped buying the beef like that, its a waste of our money to put it in the freezer and then let it rot.

  22. Sometimes if you’re lucky and the power goes out for a week, you don’t have to wait 2 years to throw it out. You can throw out food that you bought just weeks earlier. But there will be no garbage collecters to throw it in your bushes because you will not have pick-up service while the power’s out. The End.

  23. I have a stocked stand alone freezer, a side by side fridge/freezer, packed to capacity, a pantry, filled to overflowing and yet, ever night, it’s the same line, we need to go to the store to get something for dinner. Why does food look better on the store shelves than the crap I already own??

  24. Hi! I came here from Everyday Mommy’s site and was so glad she posted about you! I have been reading some of your posts and they are great. The freezer post was great!

  25. That is so true! Before we moved (year and a half ago) I had a chicken in the freezer. After moving and having the freezer unplugged for loading, an 85 mile drive, and then unloading and hooking up again, I was scared to eat the chicken. I tell (notice the present tense) my husband (over and over again) that I don’t want to stick it in the trash because it will thaw and stink, to please take it out at the last minute before he leaves for work and put it in the trash. Now I’m afraid of that option, too.

  26. this was hilarious and unfortunately so true. i’ve had too many freezer incidents (like the freezer dies in the middle of summer and you don’t realize it until a week later when maggots have found your stuff) so now i am very minimal and careful with what i keep in the freezer. my refrigerator, now that’s another story.

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