Mildly Amusing, Outsmarted, Use Your Words

My New Pseudo-Curse Word

I am given to the occasional curse word. It’s probably the thing I like least about myself. But it happens. Especially in moments of frustration, and given that I’m a person who is easily and often frustrated, it happens more than I’d like to admit.

And now that I have a child who is omniscient – is aware of all, sees all, hears all, repeats all – I have really made an effort to do better in that regard. But I fail. Oh how I fail.

This morning I was trying to make a pot of coffee, a reasonably simple and familiar task. Just as I was about to put the coffee grounds into the filter basket, I bumped it on the edge of the coffeemaker and coffee grounds went flying everywhere except into the basket. I had coffee grounds in the silverware drawer, all over the counter, on the floor, down my shirt, in the pan of cinnamon rolls I was about to bake, but not one speck in the coffeemaker. Not a good thing for a person who hasn’t yet had any coffee. And of course I said, “dammit!” And then when I stood up from wiping up coffee grounds off the floor, I bumped my head on the cabinet door. And again I said “dammit!” And then I said “dammit” because I couldn’t quit saying dammit and dammit, I really needed some coffee and the coffee gods were conspiring against me!

When I realized that two little ears had taken it all in with great interest, I told him that “dammit” is not a nice word and that mommy shouldn’t have said it and that he should never say it either. Never tell a toddler that. Just don’t. Trust me on this, unless you want to hear your toddler say “dammit” all day long.

As we were sitting down to eat Coffee Grounds flavored cinnamon rolls (They’re crunchy! Want the recipe?) he pretended to bump his knee on the table and began dancing around and hopping on one foot saying, “Oh damage! I bumped my knee!”

And so, there you have it. Damage! My new pseudo-curse word, courtesy of my three-year-old. And really, in a weird sort of way, I think it more accurately reflects my sentiment on those occasions when I’m picking coffee grounds out of my bra.

53 thoughts on “My New Pseudo-Curse Word

  1. It took worse language than that out of my toddler’s mouth before I realized I had to clean up my act. So really, you’re ahead of the game. It’s just hard to realize that when you’re digging stuff out of your bra.

  2. Well, I have to say that was hilarious…..when Madison was 2 I would say oh shit all the time… day we were in an elevator and another couple was on with us…Madison dropped some things out of her purse and said really loud OH SHEEP….the other couple thought it was cute…and I of course turned blood red. I quit saying it that day….and now we all say OH SHEEP…..not even sure if she even gets it….I’m not telling her.

  3. Oh that is too funny! I’ll have to remember to use that next time I go to say the naughty word. It definitely does fit better!!! 😉 I think I might actually like coffee flavored cinnamon rolls! Ofcourse I do like flavored coffee…just can’t drink it black. Have a great week.

  4. As, in fact, there aren’t. They’re all just combinations of sounds, but some of those combinations pack a punch!

    My sister was a nanny after she graduated college. She never had a problem with her language, but she did have to re-think her CD collection when she listened to Jimmy Buffett’s “Jamaica Mistaica” with the toddler in the car.

    It’s a catchy ditty about Jimmy’s real-life experience of flying his small private plane to Jamaica (from Florida) for dinner one night, and being mistaken for a drug plane. The chorus goes, in part, “Come back to Jamaica, and we promise not to shoot you out of the sky.”

    Which two words does the kid pick up on? “Shoot you! Shoot you! Shoot you!” Oh well.

  5. Oh that’s hilarious!

    And also, ironic that it’s one of things you like least about yourself, because it’s one of the things I like about you. I realize that makes no sense but there you have it.

    And also this reminds me of a conversation I had just the other day where my friend said how one particular word really made her cringe, but she says the D and S words. I said I try not to say any out loud but in my head they all get equal opportunity.

  6. Oh, that’s a good one! I too have a difficult time keeping my tongue under wraps. I have yet to come up with something better than the true ‘f’ word, though… Once, in the car, I referred to another driver as an ‘f-ing idiot,’ then quickly checked myself and said to Peanut Butter, “Isn’t mommy silly? I said ‘ducking filiot!’ That’s sooo silly, huh?” Yikes. I really need to come up with a better ‘f’ word. Any suggestions?

  7. I know how you feel. I have found it so impossible to stop cursing in expected situations that, when I notice toddler eyes observing me, I say, “Poot!” with all necessary intensity. It means nothing, but it sounds like it should.

  8. HAHA! We have all been here- for some reason that I can’t remember I now say “craparama”- it’s been 12 or 13 years, so I am entitled to forget the “why”!

  9. Oh yes, been there done that. And had it repeated back correctly over and over for oh about a month. Fortunately our ignoring the fact he was saying helped it drop from his vocabulary.

    Unless of course he’s just waiting to drop it at some really inappropriate moment.

  10. For Peanut Butter’s mom — I never really had trouble with the ‘f-word’, but heard someone proclaim, “Oh, fffffffffiddlesticks!” I REALLY thought she was going to say THE f-word, then “fiddlesticks” totally cracked me up. I use “fiddlesticks” in my 2nd grade classroom all the time — the kids love it!

  11. The word at my house when I was growing up was “frackesrat.” I don’t think I’ve ever spelled that before. My mother still says it. And one friend and I used to always say, “sssssugar.”

  12. I am still laughing. I have this mental picture going on… but..I think kids are born knowing “that” word…I will try this on my kids however.
    Have a super day.

  13. Can I just tell you how I LOVE your honesty, and this cracked me up. I’ll remember – “damage” the next time “stuff” happens, which it will, and do you think if I yell “Oh Damage!” anyone will blink? I would have been right there with you. Thanks for the early morning chuckle.

  14. I’ll be thinking of this the next time I let one fly (which, sadly, won’t be long). Isn’t it funny how out of a whole sentence or movie, those words are the ones they choose to repeat? I guess thinking about it, those words are often the whole sentence, though. Thanks for the laugh!

  15. Cute. When Jonathan was little I started trying to clean up my language. I started saying “dadgummit” instead of dammit. Then one day I heard dadgummit come out of his little 2-year-old mouth, and it still sounded awful. So I had to work harder.

    They are old enough now that if I slip or they hear something on TV (or at Farm Fest), I explain that that is a bad word and I better not hear them say it.

  16. That’s hilarious. Damage! I like it. When my kids were small, I got into the habit of using ‘Forevermore!’ or ‘Holy Cow!’ when frustrating things happened. Funny, I still use those words and so does my husband. LOL

  17. I’ll never forget the time our sweet first-born was 2 years old. We were visiting my husband’s very strict grandparents. All was quiet as we finished praying over the meal. Everyone was getting ready to eat when in a loud voice, she looked at her plate and yelled out “What the HELL is this?”. We were stunned. She’d never cussed before, we never cussed at all and everyone was teetering on the verge between humiliation and laughter. It was awkward to say the least. My husband’s grandfather simply cleared his throat – a sure sign that you did something he wasn’t pleased with. My mother-in-law was nearly dying from having to keep her laughter inside. We finally figured it out she had picked up the words from The Simpsons! It was quite a few years before she watched that with us again.

  18. I had one daughter (at 3) hear me say “Oh SH*T” and she started saying “Oh Sit” all the time in front of people. I would say “THat’s right honey, sit. Sit down. Good girl” Which thankfully, worked.

    My best friend’s neice wasn’t able to say “dump truck” and instead called it a “dumb f*ck”.

    Oh. My.


  19. That is so funny! My little Toddler has sworn once (thanks to his favorite uncle), they really just love to repeat stuff they aren’t so supposed to say lol.

  20. Great post! That happened to me once…there are still remnants of coffee grounds in my silverware drawer.

    Thanks for sharing, and I’m still laughing about picking grounds out of your bra. HAH!

  21. My husband started using the term “crudzilla”…instead of our favorite curses. It worked…for a while until the kids started school and heard the real thing from their friends. Good times!

  22. See? Now this is where refusing to wear a bra comes in mighty handy…

    But tell me that you DID finally get the coffee, because that is the first and foremost important bit that needed to be rectified. You’ve got years to work on Sean. Lack of coffee needs to NOW.

  23. Because I had a squiggly 3-yr-old on my lap as I tried to read your post, and because he likes to click keys on the keyboard, I ended up reading the last sentence of this post before the rest of it.

    “And really, in a weird sort of way, I think it more accurately reflects my sentiment on those occasions when I’m picking coffee grounds out of my bra.”

    Now that I’ve tried that, I’m thinking that from now on I might start all of my AM readings the same way. There’s enough entertainment in that one sentence alone.

  24. Hilarious! Thankfully, our 2 year old hasn’t repeated any of our cuss words that occassionally slip out. He has repeated my use of “Rats!” in just the right context though. 🙂

  25. You know, I always want to leave you a comment but you usually have a few dozen by the time I read your blog and so I don’t. But–damage is excellent!

  26. I rarely curse either, but when I do, from now on, my new curse word is going to be,”Damage!” Love it, those little ones are so smart!

  27. We have friends who never use any curse words, but have very creative ways around it,—- like, “The ship hit the sand”. I love Sean’s change up to “damage” — he might be able to change your whole naughty vocabularly.

  28. Wasn’t it just last week that I read where someone had come up with the idea for making coffee-favored breakfast rolls?? AM, you are so hip! So way-ahead-of-the-rest-of-us!! Maybe the originator of that idea had just flipped the coffee grounds right out of their bra, too! Being the mother of 3, I’ve had to refrain my sharp tongue a few times when I’ve heard some sharp wit out of one of their mouths. Like “Whose kid is that, anyway!!” Crow might have tasted a little better with coffee grounds. Who knew? Love your humor!

  29. If that’s what you dislike most about yourself, I’d say you were doing just fine. Since my husband’s name is Dan, I get a lot of mileage out of that as a pseudo curse word. “DAN! You look good.” “DAN! We’re late.” LOOOOOVE it.

  30. When The Boy was five or so, one day he kept repeating sh**. I tried to give him an out, explaining tht wasn’t a good word, and asking him what he said. He just kept saying it. I had him taste some soap, then asked him again what he said. He looked me straight in the eye and said “SHIP”. Five years later, he’s still a smart mouth, but hasn’t said sh** again!

  31. Dude, if that’s what you dislike most about yourself you are waaaaay ahead of the game. I love “damage” and will have to take that one too. We had an entire evening where TS walked around the house saying “oh, shit” under her breath, cause that’s what mama did when she stubbed her toe that afternoon. DS of course came home and says, “what’s she saying?” Well, duh honey.

    My fav story on this front is about a friend’s 3YO who has a potty mouth to say the least: One day she shouts out “SH..” (at an appropriate time, of course) And her mother says (in a very stern tone), “What did you say?” To which her child responded, “Well it’s better then saying FU..” And you know she was right.

    What I want to know is how did she know that at age 3? If only they would use their power for good instead of evil. 😉

  32. I never used the F word with my children as they were growing up, but I did always say “Firetrucks” and know what? My oldest became a fireman!!! Oh Damage! Oh Firetrucks! I enjoyed your post

  33. I never used the F word with my children as they were growing up, but I did always say “Firetrucks” and know what? My oldest became a fireman!!! Oh Damage! Oh Firetrucks! I enjoyed your post

  34. I never used the F word with my children as they were growing up, but I did always say “Firetrucks” and know what? My oldest became a fireman!!! Oh Damage! Oh Firetrucks! I enjoyed your post

  35. LOL! Hahaha! I love it. Damage! Reminds me of the movie Madagascar when the boss penguin would say, “shiitake mushrooms” or “Hoover Dam!”

  36. I love it – damage and oh sheep! I’m going to use those. I rarely curse, but one night a month or so ago Maryn woke up and woke me up talking a mile a minute. I shushed her, telling her she was going to wake the baby – which she promptly did. It was my third night with no sleep and I promptly hollered, “Dammit!” Two days later, Maryn tripped over something in the living room and yelled, with just the right emphasis, “Dammit!” She hasn’t repeated it again after I talked with her about it – but I know it’s only a matter of time. The girl’s got the memory of an elephant.

  37. Yes, I think Dunkin’ Donuts now makes a donut with caffeine already in it, so you don’t have to, you know, DUNK your donut. Don’t know why, but your coffee-laced cinnamon rolls reminded me of that.

    Lately, my 4-year-old has been REALLY interested in asking me what expressions she is allowed to use. So far, we’ve ruled out “OMG” and “What the Hell” (Thank you Simon Cowell…) Instead, she may exclaim, “Oh my goodness!” and “What in the world!” I love one they use on Disney channel a lot – “Oh, snap!” That’s my new fav. At any rate, I’m glad to know I’m not the only mom out there who lets one slip (or rip, as the severity of the case may dictate) every now and then.

    In conclusion…a quote: “The footsteps a child follows are most likely to be the ones his parents thought they covered up.”

  38. My brother had a similar episode. Though he refrained to spill out the familiar swear word, instead moaned and groaned. His daughter (4 at the time,) looked at him and said, “Daddy the word is dammit, say dammit and you’ll feel better.”

  39. My daughter yelled out “dammit” at the age of 3 as she was trying to build something with Legos at her grandparents’ house. Of course they thought it was hilarious and laughed so she just kept saying it…….

  40. There I learned a new English/American swear word… adding it to my list!
    If some day you want to make a list of French ones, call me (and if your 2 little ears are around, there won’t be any “damage”)

  41. …French teacher used to say “Quelle Damage” when she was upset! Perhaps Marie Noelle understands… maybe Sean was onto something.

    My mom must think if you leave out the vowels it will be okay. As in … shhhhhttttt. Voila, No vowel. No real word!


  42. We get our swear words from movies and television. It’s part of our family culture. A current favorite is “Son of a nutcracker!” from Elf. We also like to say, “inconceivable,” from The Princess Bride. It works best if said with incredulity and a bit of a lisp, a la European Spanish.
    A perennial favorite is “aaww, tartar sauce!” from Sponge Bob. This works for nearly anything.

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