Aunt Jean, Tuna

Limit Two Protocol

When I was at my Aunt Jean’s house a while back, I noticed that while she didn’t keep canned goods in the bathroom, she did have a stash of probably 25 or 30 giant Snickers bars. In the kitchen that is, not the bathroom. And it wasn’t even Halloween.

It was surprising to see so many candy bars because you never see her eat anything like that. Aunt Jean is tall and thin and regal and dignified and not given to self-indulgence. When I asked her about them, she said that when she was growing up, one of the oldest of seven very poor children, all she ever wanted was a big old candy bar all to her self. And now that she can afford them, she buys them because she can. But only when they are on sale.

Let me just stop here and say I would never have a stash of Snickers. Not because I’m not one to “stock up” on a commodity as precious as that, but because in order to have a stash I would have to have at least enough restraint not to eat them all. Whenever I get my hands on a Snickers bar, I chew off the paper with my teeth and then I toss it up in the air. And then I roll on it until I get the scent of Snickers on my neck. And then finally, I lay on the floor on my tummy with my feet out behind me and I gnaw on it and growl at anyone who looks my direction. So when she offered me one, I declined just to avoid that whole scene.

Anyway, apparently Aunt Jean really wanted her own liter of Diet Cherry 7-Up when she was growing too because when she sent me out to the garage to get something out of the extra refrigerator, I was confronted with an imposing wall of Diet Cherry 7-Up. When I asked her about it she said that Albertson’s had a super duper sale on them a while back, but it was limit two. “My goodness!” I said, “Limit two!? How on earth did you get so many?”

“Well, you know,” she said her voice trailing off. “I went to the store and I bought two.” She paused here to lightly pat her hair into place and then stretched her neck as though working out a kink. And then she evasively looked up and off to the left at nothing in particular. “And?” I asked. “Well, then I went home and…. I chaaaaanged clothes…. (cough) andthenIwentbackfortwomore (cough).”

In case you didn’t know, it’s in the fine print on the back of the bottles. In order to legally purchase two additional liters of Limit Two soda, you must have changed clothes. And not just in the car either. You must go home and change into a completely different color blouse. If we were to look at the grocery store surveillance video the week Diet Cherry 7-Up is on sale we would see my good and proper Aunt Jean wearing dark sunglasses, going in and out of the store carrying two liters of Diet Cherry 7-Up at a time. And you might think the video was on a loop until upon closer inspection you would see that she had changed clothes making it totally legal.

I then did a quick calculation in my head — four trips a day, four changes of clothes for seven days at which time limit two expires. And sure enough it adds up to a stash of enough Diet Cherry 7-Up that should last until the rapture at which time we will all be caught up in the air toasting the brethren with Diet Cherry 7-Up and Snickers.

And oh what a day of rejoicing it will be.

44 thoughts on “Limit Two Protocol

  1. and they can join in with gertrude and her thousands of cokes! know anybody who really likes ice cream so they can make floats?

  2. Between Aunt Jean and your father-in-law, your family should be well-covered in the event of an emergency. What with the peaches and Snickers and Diet Cherry 7-Up and all. I for one can’t imagine a more delicious meal.

  3. Whew! I was so concerned there wouldn’t be anything with which to wash down the peaches and Snickers…but you have applied salve to my wounded mind.

    I am forever in your debt.

  4. Why weren’t Diet Cherry 7-Up and Snickers mentioned in the survival manuals for Y2K? Those certainly sound more desirable than water and duct tape.

  5. Amazing how our childhood shapes us. I wonder what quirks I’ll rationalize when I’m, you know, old enough to let my quirks all hang out. Right now, I’m still trying to project a certain image of myself to others, I suppose. I really wish I knew the secret to feeling like I don’t care what other people think about me.

  6. I look forward to toasting the rapture with you and breaking “bread” with snickers and Cherry 7-Up in the sky…
    With every post you crack me up. You inspire me to write better. Not that its working, but the inspiration and desire is there nonetheless. God Bless you, and your very prepared relatives!

  7. I can’t keep chocolate bars in the house – I would eat every single one of them. Aunt Jean is a woman of admirable restraint.

  8. “And then I roll on it until I get the scent of Snickers on my neck. And then finally, I lay on the floor on my tummy with my feet out behind me and I gnaw on it and growl at anyone who looks my direction.”

    When will I learn not to drink coffee while I read your posts!! Now I have coffee all over my computer screen. Well, almost. 😉

  9. What a day of rejoicing indeed!

    I didn’t know about the whole run home/change clothes/only go back a couple of times a day thing. I usually just bring the family along at that time and have everyone buy multiples of what I need. Yes, I did get some looks when my 3 year old was purchasing 2 cartons of eggs…

    And I’m one of those who can easily make up a pan of brownies, eat my one and then wind up throwing the rest away. I just forget that they’re there. My kids are the same way. They still have Christmas candy around… Just a further indication of my weirdness, as if such proof was necessary.

  10. I’m a very new reader, but I just wanted to say that this is probably the funniest post I have ever read! Except for the peaches in the bathroom post. I love it!!

  11. AMEN, AUNT JEAN! when the day of reckoning arrives; screw the bottled water and canned items…give me diet black cherry vanilla coke and mounds of CADBURY EGGS!

    i have been inspired. 🙂

  12. Note to self: Should AM ever come to visit, remember to lock door to garage as well as all cabinets, especially the bathroom one.

    Additional not to self: Must get phone numbers for Papa George and Aunt Jean so we can compare notes. If they should ever come over, remember to throw open all doors to storage areas and brag.

  13. Oh, I can see her, AM! And you with the Snickers bar! I have a couple of doggies who perform those exact maneuvers…one with dead fish and one with turnip greens!

  14. Oh my goodness! That seriously cracks me up. Only someone very desperate to stock up on that much would even K NOW the fine printed rules of changing clothes….
    lol… I’ll keep that in mind next time my favorite frozen pizza’s are half off, limit 4…..

  15. I could never show that kind of restraint. To have a stash of chocolate and not eat it in one sitting, OR to say “no thanks” if offered one.

    I feel fairly safe stocking up on toilet paper and other paper goods. No temptation there.

    Aunt Jean sounds like a lot of fun to hang with. Especially if you’re snowed in.

  16. My husband is that EXACT SAME WAY with milk. He never had enough of it growing up and now he will buy 5 to 7 gallons everytime he goes to the store. Sometimes we have 10 gallons of milk in the fridge at one time. Good thing we drink a lot of milk around here. LOL!

    It got so bad, I had to get a second fridge to keep in the basement, to hold MILK (and beer, of course).

  17. You make me laugh out loud! I don’t often comment, but I read your blog every day. It gets my day off to a good start, with a laugh.

  18. I used to stock up on toilet paper of all things whenever it was on sale, but only a certain brand. I had so much of it at one point that I started stacking it out in our breezeway and our next door neighbor used to get a good laugh out of that. She would always call me whenever she saw that it was on sale, in case my “stash” might be getting too low!! I don’t do that anymore….

  19. As usual, I’ll be chuckling as I walk away from my computer.

    Just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on being a finalist at the Share the Love Awards. Best Humor and Best Writing – both obviously very well deserved.

  20. The lure of the grocery store specials is quite tempting. I used to give my my such guff about having 3 or 4 of everything and she’d say “They were buy one get one free!”

  21. Aunt Jean sounds pretty normal to me. When you get older, you will understand how older minds work — sort of goofy. I would do it a little differently — I wouldn’t change my clothes — I would just go to another store in the chain.
    I just love the stories of your relatives and your take on them. Cracks me up!

  22. I refuse to write lol, but that’s what I’m doing. Ooops, I just did.

    You have the funniest relatives and a wonderful sense of storytelling. It’s too bad Erma Bombeck has gone on. The two of you could’ve taken the mothering world by storm. I look forward to your first book of memoirs.

  23. LOL A shout out to An Iowa Mom, you can FREEZE your milk!
    I can’t stock up on anything, even toilette paper. With 7 kids, nothing lasts long enough. Especially chocolate.

  24. LOL,,, snort… drool… snort… drool…
    I think I just peed on myself… this is just too funny.
    Brings a whole new meaning to “Life is Good”!!!


  25. It does me so much good to laugh out loud. I had forgotten till I found you and BooMama. Though my teenagers come from the other room to see if I’ve lost the last bit of grey matter I own.

    Thank you!


  26. My Aunt Mayme, who turns 95 next month, would go to the grocery store with so many coupons it would back up the line forever. It was embarrassing to watch, because she would take multiple coupons for the same item and just play dumb. She always had two full grocery carts, so I guess the cashiers would lose track of what she bought.

  27. I’m the same way w/ the marshmallow bunnies & marshmallow eggs at Easter time. I always load up on them before Easter & then try & get as many as I can afterwards when they’re on sale!!!

  28. My sister-in-law is a hoarder. She calls it “keeping your cupboards well stocked.” When she sees something on sale, oh say like ketchup, she’ll buy a plethora of that product and ask any family/friends to buy even more for her.

    The funny thing is that months later she’ll be trying to pawn the same ketchup bottles off on said family/friends in order to make room for her next purchasing frenzy…of say like, cereal.

    Her shopping techniques boggle my mind!

  29. That is priceless! I myself have stocked up on enough cereal to feed the neighborhood. That’s what my husband says anyway 🙂

  30. I think I must know this “Aunt Jean”. I managed a grocery store in the same town in which she lives. She is the “greatest”!

  31. I’m sorry, but what’s with the ‘Tuna’? I’m fairly new to your site…is there an old post that explains??? 🙂
    Aunt Jean rocks!

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