Antique Embarrassment, Mildly Amusing, Modern Medicine

Dr. Spine

This morning I had an appointment with a spine doctor. Since last fall, I have been having these nagging pains in my neck that have nothing to do with people in my life who fall into that category.

All winter I ignored the pain as best I could until finally I couldn’t. Then I paid a visit to my GP who sent me off for an MRI. The MRI revealed mostly good news — the pain wasn’t imaginary and it wasn’t a tumor but I do have a pinched nerve somewhere along my spine. I was kind of glad to learn that the pain was caused by something because if the MRI had shown nothing then I would have had to suffer Dr. GP trying to explain that concept to me in that overly-calm and even tone that doctors use when talking to crazy people, mad dogs and women. And that reeeeally makes my neck hurt.

Dr. GP referred me to Dr. Spine and so that’s where I found myself this morning.

I was mightily impressed with Dr. Spine’s operation. I was welcomed into his beautifully appointed high tech cruise-ship style lobby. I was offered a beverage of my choice, a plethora of current magazines from which to choose and a computer with internet access. I thought I had died and gone to Starbucks!

Without delay I was shown to a lovely exam room where a steward turned down the bed for me and showed me how to work the mini-bar. No not really. But almost. I was given a gift bag (seriously!) and thanked for choosing Dr. Spine to serve my pinched nerve needs. I was instructed to make myself comfortable and to watch a video that would explain all about Dr. Spine and his philosophy on life and what a great and amazing guy he and his partners are. The steward turned on the video and left the room. In keeping with my high school study habits, I promptly picked up a magazine featuring Heather Locklear on the cover and started flipping through the pages, hoping there wouldn’t be a quiz later.

Since my adventures in cardiology, I figured that I’d probably be waiting for the good doctor for quite some time, so I skipped the “how to have firmer abs in seven days” article and went right for the “Have Better S*x Tonight” article, the one with the picture of the couple where she has her legs playfully wrapped around his head and he’s wearing one of those Mona Lisa smiles. I hadn’t been reading but a minute when Dr. Spine rapped very loudly on the door and scared the life out of me. Startled, I jumped to my feet and the magazine slid out of my lap and onto the floor, open not to the page on abs or even the page with Heather and her gold lamé bikini, but exactly to the page I had been reading. Dr. Spine came in and extended his hand and then looked down to see “Have Better S*x Tonight.”

“Hmph.” He said. And then he bent down and picked up the magazine and handed it to me. And then he gave me the Mona Lisa smile.

I cringed the cringe of all cringes. And in a new medical discovery, I learned that embarrassment will make you forget all about the pain of a pinched nerve.

29 thoughts on “Dr. Spine

  1. Oh I’m cracking up! And hoping, for your and Antique Daddy’s sake, that you got to the good part before Dr. Spine came in.

    And his reaction shouldn’t be surprising. There’s a reason his name is Dr.
    Spine and not Dr. Feelgood.

  2. At least you weren’t covered in Dr. Pepper, I guess. It’s good to get an education while you wait. I’m sure Antique Daddy appreciates your continuing education program.

  3. My cheeks hurt. That was great. I saw a chiropractor recently and he said I had a pinched nerve or something of the sort which gives me pain and tingling. So I know how much you’re hurting and it’s not fun. I hope Dr. Spine was able to help you despite his Mona Lisa smile. If he didn’t, tell him to sail alone.

  4. Very funny!
    But all that waiting time paraphenalia and virtually no wait to be had?! No fair! The rare Dr. apointment without kids is pure bliss. I once had a big double appointment affair one afternoon without a single little kid along– a pap smear and then an exam with a hepatitis shot chaser. I was a little alarmed by how completely thrilled I was with the whole experience. *It was truly fun for me.* A pap smear, an exam and a shot… and don’t forget the quiet and magazines! Yeah! Woo hoo! Oh, my, how pathetic. My doctor actually came in quickly, while I was just settling in with a good magazine (not as good as *yours* apparently, but delightful, vapid fluff nonetheless). I asked him to leave and go take care of the next patient first because I was just having the best time. He laughed and , when he found out about my fun afternoon, just shook his head and said, “Oh, M, it DOES get better…”

  5. My experience at the Emory Lasik center was very much like that. Very posh. Very solicitous.

    Hope your pinched nerve can be fixed without too much medical monkey business. My dad had a pinched nerve last year, which caused his hands and feet to go numb. It was resolved with physical therapy, thank goodness.

  6. It’s sad to admit, but I actually look forward to the annual trip to the doctor. A) I get to go alone, and B) I get caught up on all the good reading. Alas, there is no “beverage of choice.” But they do keep styrofoam cups in the ladies room in case I’m parched…….

  7. Wow – I’ll try embarrassment next time my gall bladder bites me! But seriously, did he give you some good advice about your back?

  8. Ha ha ha!! Too funny!! Loved it!!
    Oh, and I also understand all too well that “overly-calm and even tone that doctors use when talking to crazy people, mad dogs and women.” With having fibromyalgia, I have a lot of very strange symptoms and pain that no tests can diagnose (they always come out with “normal” results) so I am usually spoken to in that manner, like I am crazy since they can’t find anything wrong with me!

  9. All I’m thinking is thank goodness you weren’t at a gynocologist where, you know… eventually your legs WOULD be up and around his head…

    Of course the Mona Lisa smile would be there for a whole different meaning.

    And I would have turned straight to the sex article no matter who else was featured in the magazine. But that’s because I’m one of THOSE woman who can’t get enough of a good thing. Education can be a very adventuresome thing!

  10. Decorated like a cruise ship? Be careful little girl, remember—
    “On the good ship, Lolipop–
    It’s a sweet trip, into bed you hop”
    He didn’t offer you candy, did he?

  11. grinning here….

    It figures that you’d not be waiting more than a couple minutes at such a well-equipped office. It’s the offices that feature only one magazine from 1989 that keep you waiting till you die of boredom!

    Mary

  12. I have a Mona Lisa smile right. now. 😉

    As I was reading the bit about watching the video, it occurred to me that you would not be a great brain washing candidate. Go figure.

  13. oh my I needed this laugh today lol Just discovered your blog today..seems i have some catching up to do!

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