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  • My Cool Has Been Revoked

    April 12, 2007

    Owning an iPod may very well net you some cool. However be warned. The iPod giveth cool and the iPod taketh away.

    Recently, I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and get out for a little speed walk. So I put on my running shoes, clipped my iPod onto my waist band and I headed out down the jogging trail. I had my groove thang on and I was stepping lively to an old Michael Jackson song. Let’s dance! Let’s shout! Shout! Shake your body down to the growwwnd! I was pumping my arms and breathing hard and I might have even worked up a bead of sweat.

    I hadn’t gotten too far when in the distance I thought I saw someone I knew, so I raised my hand to wave. And this is where the iPod gods (igods?) decided to mess with me. I caught my hand on the cord and violently yanked one of the earbuds out of my ear. And in a manner that is not only uncanny, but defies science, the earbud went flying out in front of me. So I step it up a bit in an effort to catch the runaway earbud. And I’m reaching and grasping and bobbling it back and forth from hand to hand like a hot potato and I’m stepping longer and longer, but the ear bud won’t be caught.

    And then finally, under the power of gravity, it fell downward and caught between my legs. It wrapped around my thigh with astonishing centrifugal force and then unwrapped and spiraled around the other leg with my next step. So now I have one earbud in my ear and one between my legs. With every excruciatingly long step I take, my head is jerked sharply downward. And for reasons unknown to me, I can’t seem to stop walking like John Cleese.

    So I continue to speed walk, or I should probably say, speed trip. Like an out of control down hill skier, I’m bent over and lurching forward, tripping and tripping, yet not quite giving into falling. My strides are getting impossibly longer and more awkward as though I’m being yank along by an invisible string for the amusement of a giant cat. I am poetry in motion — bad bad coffeehouse poetry at 2am after an evening of cheap wine.

    At the same time I was trying with every muscle in my body not to fall, I was also praying that I would. That I could just fall and get it over with, crash to the ground and maybe even black out and not remember any of it. Maybe wake up with a handsome fireman bent over me checking my vitals.

    Finally, I give in and decide, what the hell, just fall already and be done with it. But no, I can’t even fall with any measure of cool. Just as I prepared to tuck and roll and my knees were mere inches from the pavement, I run into a spider’s web and start flailing and swatting and flapping at the invisible sticky. So then. Now I’m doing some bizarre version of the chicken dance.

    Now, remember at the beginning how I told you that I waved to someone I thought I knew? And how that unleashed the chain reaction of uncool? Well, then imagine for a moment, if you will, how this whole scene might have appeared from their perspective. Yet she bravely continued to walk towards me.

    Finally the iPod gods had had their fun with me and pulled the pins from the Antique Mommy voodoo doll. The world stopped spinning and I am finally able to right myself — just in time to see that the person I waved to? I don’t know her. I don’t even know her. And frankly, I’m relived to know that it wasn’t a neighbor who would start a rumor that Antique Mommy was drunk at 9am. She gives me a quick tight-lipped smile before averting her eyes, no doubt relieved to see that I wasn’t foaming at the mouth and hurries past me.

    I am a total spaztard and should not be allowed out in public with or without an iPod. My cool has been revoked. iPod taketh my cool away and has given it someone worthy. Someone who knows how to walk and wave at the same time.

    70 Comments »

    1. Jeana says:

      No, you weren’t losing your cool! You were shakin’ your body down to the ground which, we all know, is the ultimate in cool. At least it was in the ’80’s. Except I always thought it was “Shake your booty down to the ground.” Either way you go–you did both.

      April 12th, 2007 at 7:44 am

    2. Blog Antagonist says:

      ROFL. Yeah, I’ve done that a time or two myself. I LOATHE those ear buds and I don’t know why they make those dang cords so long. I got a little iPod fanny pack kind of thing (the arm band bugged the daylights out of me) which I wear under my shirt and then thread the cord up through the neck. That way, I don’t get tangled nearly as often. I also got a pair of earphones that hook over my ear, and they are much less prone to being yanked free of my person.

      I’m glad you didn’t hurt yourself!

      April 12th, 2007 at 7:48 am

    3. Antique Mommy says:

      When you’re 47 and spazzing out, it’s no longer a booty.

      April 12th, 2007 at 7:49 am

    4. Marie says:

      Oh my God. I have been there! In fact, I think I am looking in the mirror here.

      Nice to meet me, I mean YOU!

      — 41 with a 3-year-old

      April 12th, 2007 at 7:49 am

    5. magpie says:

      I think I love you.

      April 12th, 2007 at 7:54 am

    6. JanB says:

      Now I know why I read blogs in the morning. I need more laughter in my life and picturing you going through all these motions had me laughing so hard I nearly swallowed my tongue!

      That is so me. The other day I got my hair caught while getting into the car. Do you know how hard it is to get the door open when you have your head caught in the door by your hair?

      April 12th, 2007 at 8:00 am

    7. Deanna says:

      And all that happened in just a few seconds, didn’t it? I could see the ‘spider web’ dance while reading! This post also reminded me of the time I thought the only way to teach my daughter to skate was to put skates on my own feet. Did it, inline skates…not pretty…She learned to skate without me.
      Great post!

      April 12th, 2007 at 8:10 am

    8. Cindy says:

      Totally sounds like something that would happen to me with the iPod and cords! LOL.

      April 12th, 2007 at 8:36 am

    9. dcrmom says:

      OMG! Howling!! My side hurts. That is some good story telling right there. Sorry the cool was taken away, though at least you got good blog fodder from it.

      April 12th, 2007 at 8:38 am

    10. Everyday Mommy says:

      See! I just KNEW that walking was bad for your health.

      April 12th, 2007 at 8:50 am

    11. An Iowa Mom says:

      Oh Geez … that had be totally crackin’ up! It was so what I needed this morning as I sit admist 2 little girls screaming at one another over magic marker colors.

      Glad, even if for just a minute, I was able slip away from mine adn to lose myself in your little piece of hell …

      Thanks for that! I’m smiling again and able to go back and color with my sweet (yet very loud) children.

      Have a great day!

      April 12th, 2007 at 8:57 am

    12. Susan J. says:

      Oh my gosh, that was laugh out loud funny. That would totally happen to me. That is, if I ever actually tried exercising.

      April 12th, 2007 at 8:58 am

    13. Carola says:

      This was so funny, thanks for the laugh!

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:03 am

    14. Jill says:

      This is going to be a hellish day of work so I needed this laugh first thing. Thanks!!

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:20 am

    15. PeanutButtersMum says:

      I thought these kinds of things only happened to me. So glad I’m not alone! Thanks for sharing your inner geekdom. 🙂

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:24 am

    16. amy says:

      you just reminded me of the time i was at the gym and i’m ALWAYS trying to look cool THERE. well, similar story only i was on a treadmill where the ground is moving instead of me and there’s no chance of redemption. the iPod falls and goes FLYING off of the treadmill, landing right in front of the buff guy on the eliptical and i’m fumbling to keep my balance while trying to hit the emergency STOP button. *sigh* why do we even try??? =)

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:30 am

    17. Theresa says:

      Oh, how I needed that laugh today! You are just amazing with the word pictures. I could see the whole episode happening in my mind’s eye, and I was laughing sooooo hard that the WonderHusband had to come over and read,too. So sorry that your “cool” has been taken away, but I’m so glad that you were transparent enough to blog it.

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:37 am

    18. Cory says:

      Hysterical. Great post. I needed a good laugh since I somehow managed to leave work without my purse this morning! No chapstick ALL DAY!??!? How will I manage?

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:45 am

    19. Kai says:

      I do the ear bud stuck between my legs and wrapped around my thigh dance at LEAST twice a week myself, so I feel your pain.

      I also feel Amy’s “ipod flies off in front of hot guy on machine in front of you” pain as well.

      We should all stop working out. It’s dangerous!

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:48 am

    20. wordgirl says:

      One more reason why I shouldn’t own an iPod. The first one being that I wouldn’t know how to operate it and I would end up having to listen to the Talking Heads “Burning Down the House” 47 times in a row before it started smoking on its own.

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:52 am

    21. theresa says:

      Oh My Land! This is too funny. And something that I would do.

      The fireman thing would have been so worth it.

      April 12th, 2007 at 10:00 am

    22. Skip Bryan says:

      Let’s face it: the only proper way to mess things up is to do it totally. None of this half way stuff for us. All or nothing.

      You are a kindred soul.

      Big hug for the Moose.

      April 12th, 2007 at 10:13 am

    23. veronica says:

      Oh, goodness. My first laugh of the morning. I am so glad you have the talent to make falling funny.

      April 12th, 2007 at 10:39 am

    24. fully operational battle station says:

      can’t. stop. laughing. I was envisioning the whole thing from the stranger’s perspective and it was hilarious.

      My Mom once decided to try walking backwards on a treadmill at the gym. As if this wasn’t already a BAD idea, but then she didn’t think it necessary to stop the treadmill and restart walking backwards, she just went for it. A mid-air switcheroo from front walking to back walking.

      She immediately hit the ground and then was catapulted off the treadmill. Her lifeless body was thrown out into the middle of the walkway within 2 seconds flat.

      She had an iPod on too.

      Jamie

      April 12th, 2007 at 10:43 am

    25. Net says:

      You’re one of the few people that can genuinely make me laugh out loud, tears and all! Thanks for that! BTW, you’re SO cooler than me. The other day I was desperate for a walk with my new favorite Alison Krauss CD and was nerdy enough to pack along the huge-as-a-briefcase, ancient portable CD player. Not a good idea, since it skipped the whole time. That’s it, I’m getting an iPod!

      April 12th, 2007 at 10:50 am

    26. Lynn says:

      Sadly, I could picture the entire thing. Smiling the entire time because I am quite sure the same situation could have been me. There comes an age where no matter how hard we try to be cool it just doesn’t “fly” and I think I am there. You just keep on hanging in there. You gave me a great smile and start to my day, though.

      April 12th, 2007 at 10:56 am

    27. BOSSY says:

      There’s something so profoundly disturbing about a creature over the age of ten falling…

      April 12th, 2007 at 11:08 am

    28. mama speak says:

      ok, while funny (but only because I biffed on the cement stairs in front of work last week–with witnesses, of course) am I the only one is like, “she didn’t stop to see if you were ok?”

      It’s just me I guess, I’m so accident prone that I assume EVERYONE provides a major injury (see– herniated disc) when they fall or just carry their toddler.

      April 12th, 2007 at 11:10 am

    29. GiBee says:

      Oh, my gosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh … I can’t stop laughing….

      And … “spaztard?”

      Bwahahahahahahahahahaha.

      So, I’m not laughing AT you. No. I’m laughing at the image of ME doing the exact same thing … that is … if I were allowed to walk and listen to ANYTHING at the same time, let alone an iPod!

      April 12th, 2007 at 11:29 am

    30. Sunshine says:

      Guess that’s enough exercise for a while huh? Thanks for letting us gawk (I’d say peek but lets be honest but I know I would’ve been gawk’n) into one of those snap-your-head-in-every-direction-to-see-if anyone-was-looking-moments. Maybe next time you should pick a song that sings about your body staying upright…Might help? Hope your not too sore!

      April 12th, 2007 at 11:57 am

    31. MotherPie says:

      This is one of the reasons why wearing I-Pods while walking the streets in Manhattan has become a huge issue.

      Pod-wearing citizens are becoming a cross-section hazard.

      April 12th, 2007 at 12:03 pm

    32. LIB says:

      You definetly had me ROTFLOL! You paint a GREAT word picture!

      April 12th, 2007 at 12:06 pm

    33. Deena @ Junk in the Trunk says:

      Dyin over here!!! *gasp*gasp*…oh, can’t breathe…that would SO be me…

      April 12th, 2007 at 12:27 pm

    34. Kara says:

      LOL! I can totally picture it! At least you didn’t know the lady walking by!

      April 12th, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    35. daring one says:

      I call for a youtube video recreation of said event. I have a feeling that dance would really catch on in the spaztard community.

      April 12th, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    36. common mom says:

      I am laughing hysterically! My coworkers are thinking I’m crazy – I’ve forwarded them to your site.

      Thank you for the great reading every single day. You and Antique Daddy are definitely blessed 🙂

      April 12th, 2007 at 2:03 pm

    37. AuntieB says:

      Boy, I’m glad I didn’t have to pee!

      And then the asthmatic lungs kick in and there’s just a lot of wheezing coming from my office! BECAUSE I CAN’T BREATHE!!!!!!

      I can totally see me doing that. Imagine…adding about 50+ pounds to that image…on second thought, don’t!

      April 12th, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    38. Ragamuffin says:

      I’ve been away from your blog for awhile, and unfortunately have to tear myself away to attend to real life instead of catching up on all the posts I missed. Just had to tell you I love your writing, the way you laugh at yourself and relate real-life events. I’ll be back as soon as I can.

      April 12th, 2007 at 3:19 pm

    39. Stacey says:

      That is totally something I would do! With or without an ipod unfortunately 🙂

      April 12th, 2007 at 4:56 pm

    40. Karen says:

      phew, saw your post title and was franticly worried that your ipod was busted or had been stolen!…this is much better post than that~

      April 12th, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    41. tricia says:

      LOL Thats one of the funniest things I’ve ever read!

      April 12th, 2007 at 6:40 pm

    42. Tracey/RealEstateGirl says:

      I am laughing OUT LOUD, envisioning every detail you were describing!!! Can’t believe that woman didn’t even ask if you were okay…some good samaritan she was!

      Too funny!

      April 12th, 2007 at 8:48 pm

    43. Sue says:

      This is why I don’t exercise.
      Thank God you weren’t on a treadmill!

      thanks for the fun 🙂

      April 12th, 2007 at 9:53 pm

    44. Chris says:

      You are too funny, still laughing picturing the whole thing. Not because I’ve done anything like that myself…no, just picturing it. Yeah right!

      April 12th, 2007 at 11:45 pm

    45. Military Mommy says:

      I knew Michael Jackson was bad for your health! 🙂 Glad to hear you’re all well and that this episode did not cause an undue hospitalization.

      Keep rockin’ the ipod!

      Michelle

      April 13th, 2007 at 2:06 am

    46. Sarah says:

      *sigh* a woman after my own heart. I cannot maintain cool but then I was never cool anyway…come to think of it I’ve never been hot either. Life is sad 🙂 but you gotta laugh.

      April 13th, 2007 at 2:52 am

    47. bee says:

      Hil-freakin-larious!

      April 13th, 2007 at 8:28 am

    48. Kim says:

      Thank you so much for the great laugh!

      I lose my cool in a slightly different way – while on the treadmill, grooving to my tunes on my MP3 player – I don’t pull the headphones off, I rip out the emergency stop cord with my swinging arms! Finally get into the groove of doing the treadmill and I make it stop every 5 minutes!

      Hey at least I am inside with only my 10 yr old to laugh at my embarassing dance-walking.

      Kim

      April 13th, 2007 at 8:38 am

    49. meredith says:

      That is so funny. And now I am off to walk to the school and get my girls, I’ll be laughing all the way. I’ll be careful when waving, but I’m ipodless, so maybe I’ll be okay 🙂

      April 13th, 2007 at 9:43 am

    50. Mimi Lenox says:

      Hi Antique Mommy. I have a three-year-old grandson so I know how cute they can be.

      I couldn’t access your email for some reason, so I thought I’d leave a message inviting you to participate in BlogBlast for Peace June 6, 2007. It’s explained on my site http://mimiwrites.blogspot.com

      Thanks!

      April 13th, 2007 at 10:53 am

    51. Jennifer says:

      You just made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

      April 13th, 2007 at 2:35 pm

    52. Fiddledeedee (It Coulda' Been Worse) says:

      That clinches it. I was considering purchasing an ipod. But no more. I’ll stick to my canary yellow walkman, which I outfitted with giant radio shack ear phones. Ear buds, evidently, are dangerous. Very dangerous indeed.

      April 13th, 2007 at 7:49 pm

    53. Sarah's in the Midst of It says:

      “I am poetry in motion — bad bad coffeehouse poetry at 2am after an evening of cheap wine.”

      AM, this is my all-time favorite post you’ve written–I am laughing so hard my husband is in the kitchen embarrassed FOR me! What a great, great picture–and it’s totally something I’d have done, too. Thanks for keeping it real 🙂

      Oh–Caiden is mourning the fact that he forgot to “keep” the truck from your house and is afraid there will never be a playdate. I’ve assured him we’ll get together soon!

      April 13th, 2007 at 9:29 pm

    54. marcia says:

      One of the funniest things I have ever read in my L-I-F-E!

      April 13th, 2007 at 9:38 pm

    55. Lisa (qtpies7) says:

      Oh that is priceless! LOL It just goes to show you what I’ve always thought “Exercise is dangerous.”

      April 14th, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    56. Jamie says:

      This is too too FUNNY!!!!!

      I gave up trying to be cool a while back. And my iPod is collecting dust.

      But thanks for the trip down memory lane…I’m having flashbacks to 7th grade P.E. and being forced to choreograph a dance routine for the entire school. SHUDDER!

      I will be back to visit. 😉

      April 16th, 2007 at 10:40 pm

    57. Dana says:

      I haven’t laughed like that in months! Thanks for adding laughter over here in Romania!

      April 17th, 2007 at 8:06 am

    58. Ann Kroeker says:

      What can a person say after reading such a spectacular play-by-play of what may be the most memorable fall I’ve ever read about on the Blogosphere?

      But I just feel compelled to acknowledge this in some way, to comment on your delightful humanity, humility and hilarity.

      The spiderweb is the kind of detail a novelist would add for poetic, symbolic effect. Unbelievable!

      No one can fall quite like you, Antique Mommy, and no one can describe a fall quite like you, either.

      And few would be willing to capture and share it with millions of readers on the World Wide Web.

      Thanks for making me feel unbelievably graceful today, even though I knocked my hip against the door frame first thing this morning. I’m sure I’ll have a bruise, but at least it happened in the privacy of my own home, and not on a sidewalk in the neighborhood.

      April 17th, 2007 at 8:16 am

    59. Damselfly says:

      Oh! LOL! Maybe your subconscious was taking that “shake your body down to the ground” line a bit too seriously?

      April 17th, 2007 at 9:00 am

    60. but Momma says:

      Everytime I trip over something at the gym at 5:00 in the morning, I’ll think of you…and not feel so bad about myself.

      🙂

      April 17th, 2007 at 9:11 am

    61. gwen oatsvall says:

      just found your site … super funny!!! will check in for more laughs and insight later…

      April 17th, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    62. melissa says:

      you make me laugh.

      April 17th, 2007 at 11:43 pm

    63. Aunt Murry says:

      I laughed so hard I snorted. I haven’t done that since I had my diveated septum fixed. Thanks for the visual. Too too funny!

      April 19th, 2007 at 8:30 am

    64. Shayne says:

      Spaztard? Is that in the dictionary? I need to remember that one…

      April 19th, 2007 at 11:49 am

    65. KimC says:

      Were you blogging furiously in your head as it all happened in slow motion? And once you had lost all personal dignity, did you find yourself hoping that it got worse so that at least it could be better in the telling? Or am I the only one who does that?

      April 24th, 2007 at 11:21 am

    66. Magi says:

      Okay, that was laugh til you cry or pee in your pants funny. I thought it was new because it popped up on Bloglines. When I saw it wasn’t, I wondered how I could have missed it. The date gave it away. I was still in China then. Thanks for updating it so I could get the laugh. It was great!

      April 25th, 2007 at 8:14 pm

    67. Jodi says:

      Thank you for giving me a GOOD reason to justify not having an IPOD. (I had heard the term but I had no idea what they were until I read your post…”Modern Walkman” made sense to me!)

      And…I’m 28. 🙂 I NEED an excuse not to know this stuff, so THANK YOU!!!

      April 25th, 2007 at 11:08 pm

    68. Linda says:

      SPAZTARD! LOLROFPML!!!

      [Holding sides because they hurt so much from laughing…]

      April 26th, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    69. Jen says:

      I found you from a link on What’s Up Buttercup? and read through a few posts. By the time I finished reading this one I was laughing so hard that tears were falling. I really needed that laugh! Beautifully written – I could see the whole thing playing out in my mind’s eye. Thank you for sharing how you lost your cool!

      April 27th, 2007 at 1:04 pm

    70. Jenny says:

      Oh golly, that was hilarious! I definitely got my daily dose of laughter here this morning. (And, for the record, I still think you’re cool.)

      September 13th, 2008 at 6:25 am

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