Parenting Gone Awry, Reruns and Leftovers

The Roller Coaster

You must be at least 4-feet-tall to ride this ride. Please remain sedated seated and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times. Do not attempt to exit the ride until happy hour it has come to a full and complete stop.

7am: Aaaaw! Look at him sleeping. What an angel! I adore him. How lucky I am to be his mother.

8am: You wanna wear this shirt? No? Okay, don’t cry. How about this shirt? No? Please, don’t cry. How about this shirt? No? Okay. You’re crying. Don’t cry.  You want to wear this? Okay, but that’s not a shirt, it’s a bandana. This is not a fun game. I don’t want to play anymore. It’s someone else’s turn to be the mommy. I want to be the lady who goes shoe shopping.

9am: Ooooh! Thank you for the kiss my sweet little soldier. I wuv oo too punkins! It’s so great to be a mom!

10am: What do you mean mommy’s purse is in the toilet? WHAT was I thinking having a kid? I have no business having a kid. I shouldn’t be left in charge of anybody with less than four legs!

11am: Aaaaw-uh! Look at him quietly watching Elmo, his little eyeballs glued to the TV. He is such a good boy! I love being a mom!

Noon: Why is the VCR smoking? You did WHAT? You put your juice box in the VCR? Good gravy I’m not even a competent baby sitter – what am I doing with a kid?!

1pm: Aaaaaw! Look at him sleeping! My precious boy! What a blessing it is to be a mother!

2pm: Throwing Macaroni and Cheese is NOT an acceptable form of dissent! DO YOU hear me buster? Neither is throwing the spoon! Neither is throwing…. Okay! O! K! FOR YOU MY FRIEND! I am not mother-material! I do NOT! look good in Macaroni and Cheese!

3pm: Aaaaaaw! Look at him coloring in his coloring book. How he loves to color! He is artistic like me! Motherhood is so rewarding.

3:05pm. X#%*&! That’s not a coloring book! That’s my new book on Post-Impressionist painting! So help me! Whose kid is this?

5pm: For the 10th time, I don’t know WHY, okay? I don’t know the answer to anything! Is my shift over yet? This wasn’t on the motherhood syllabus!

6pm: Aaaaaaw! Look at my precious boy helping mommy set the table for dinner. What a good boy. Being a mom is such a joy. Hey can you bring the spoons back please? Hey… where ya’ going with those spoons. Hey….

7pm: It would be better if you kept the bath water in the tub. The water needs to stay…. I’m just saying…. What the hell AM I saying? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Am I still speaking English?

8pm: Aaaaw! Look at him sleeping in his little footsie pajamas like a little mookie wookie! He is so darn cute I can’t stand it. I adore him. I wish I had ten more just like him! Being a mom is the greatest thing ever.

Please watch your step as you exit the ride. The next ride starts tomorrow at 7am.

* * * *

This post was originally published in October of 2006.

43 thoughts on “The Roller Coaster

  1. My sister introduced me to your blog and I have to say, it’s the best I’ve seen. I sat here this morning, reading your latest post and giggling…thank goodness I’m the only one in the office this early. As a mother of four, I’m well acquainted with the roller-coaster syndrome…and I often feel like I should have had to pass a test before even getting on the ride. Your son is adorable, and your sense of humor will see you through many difficult times…even when something is not IMMEDIATELY funny, you’ll look back later and laugh. Fortunately, now I can laugh along with you. Keep up with the updates – I need all the laughs I can get!

  2. What a fantastic post! This is my life right now, as a teacher who decided to “take a summer off” and stay home with our three-year-old son.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  3. This is fabulous. I hit the Share button before I even finished reading because I had to get it to as many of my own blog buddies as possible.

    I constantly find myself checking to see if my shift is over yet. Would you believe they booked me for a double yet again today? That makes 1032 days in a row!

    I need to speak with management.

    However, I suppose the “overtime pay” would be those sweet “awww, look at him” moments. Better not rock the boat too much. Management can be a b*tch, anyway, especially if she hasn’t had her coffee.

  4. Like the saying goes: Who ever said parents “have” children? Isn’t it the children who “have” us? Tee Hee!
    I love. love. love. this post. No wonder we are mental mush by the end of the day.

  5. I laughed out loud when I read this! I can relate…five times over. At this moment I have a three year old sitting on the potty trying to produce more “pee” so he can flush the toilet by himself. I accidently flushed it for him. Heaven help us!

  6. Tee hee. I do this, too.

    Yesterday, in the same conversation I was telling my husband how unmanagable our one year old is sometimes/wondering if his behavior is normal and agreeing that we should have another baby/wishing we could just clone this one.

    It’s definitely a roller coaster. Thank heavens the highs are so lofty and thrilling. They TOTALLY make up for the occasional lows.

    🙂

    Great post!

  7. I am very familiar with the roller coaster syndrome you describe, and no matter how old your kids get, the ride just keeps going!! I am riding the “teenage” roller coaster now-wheeeeee!!

  8. Started reading your blog a few weeks ago. Sorry for lurking. Shameful. Anyway, I just have to comment on this one! You are TOO funny! Any time I need a break from my three year old and 8-month old, I come to your blog to see what hilarious encouragement you can give me! You just described my day in perfect detail…are you reading my mind?! Thanks for letting me know I’m not insane…just a teensy bit crazy like most moms.

  9. Most definitely an excellent description of life with a preschooler…from reading your blog, sometimes I start to think that life with Sean is rather idyllic…this helps me to know that you have days like all of us do. 🙂 Thanks for the smile.

  10. Thanks for the post. It really does answer the question: “What do you do all day?” Hilarious post!

  11. This sounds like my day. Every day.

    My son is lucky he looks like an angel when he sleeps. If we didn’t end the day on a high note, he might occasionally be in danger of being sold to gypsies at midnight.

    After which I would immediately be sad, and have to hunt them down and steal him back.

  12. Oh, Thank you – I needed this! I haven’t been able to think coherently for months now… But you’ve just put it all in perspective, and I so relate to this post. Mine just turned Three. He cries over clothes too. What the heck? And then he rubs the back of his hand across my cheek and says, “Mommy, you are so sweet!” and I melt, and I want to hold him forever!!

  13. Mmmhmmm. I know just whatcha mean. I used to want to tell my kids, “Parenting is closed now, but will commence tomorrow morning at 7 a.m.”.

  14. When my son was an infant I would throw, I mean hand over, him to my husband as soon as he come home. I needed a break. Now that he is older I tell him that I’m off duty at 9pm and will reopen at 6am.

    Your post was perfect in describing the many ups and downs of being a mom. Great job.
    jean

  15. Oh my god this si soooo good!! I never read anything before that really said how I feel exactly every day of my kid’s life.. sure it is a roller coaster, you are good!

  16. And just like any good roller coaster, we want to ride it agan and agian and will be oh so sad when the park closes and the ride is over! Great post!

  17. Boy do I know this rollercoaster.

    My ride is the extreme, my-kid-didn’t-get-enough-sleep version today. Guarenteed to have the best highs and lows and quite the interesting soundtrack of all the best whining but you gotta love that sweet innocent sleeping end every time.

  18. Favorite line:
    For the 10th time, I don’t know WHY, okay? I don’t know the answer to anything! Is my shift over yet? This wasn’t on the motherhood syllabus!

    I LOVE THIS! My 4 year old is constantly asking questions and by the end of the day I’m spent!

  19. That pretty much sounds like my life! I have an 18 month old who is going through the independent phase and the whole shirt issue is a huge one with him, but even bigger is food. And now I have a one month old who will soon be following in his big brother´s footsteps. I really wonder what I was thinking sometimes!

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