I have two or three boxes of maternity clothes in my closet that I can’t bear to part with or pass along.
Part of it is that my pregnancy was the most joyful time in my life and I want to hang on to that. The other part is that I had some darn cute maternity tops and dresses that I didn’t get to wear nearly enough. The pants? Not so much. Good riddance. There is no such thing as cute maternity pants.
So the other day when I was in my closet the boxes called out to me. And like Pandora, I wandered over and opened them up. The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the mirror holding up a few of the blouses and dresses and reminiscing about when I last wore them and how fabulously pregnant I was.
And then, just for kicks, I tried on one of the tops and it fit pretty well. Yes, it was kind of loose, but isn’t that loose-peasant-y look kind of in style right now? If anyone can look like a loose peasant, it’s me. And then I tried on one of the dresses and I was thinking, this doesn’t look so much like a maternity dress. It has the little ties in the back and lots of non-maternity dresses have the little ties in the back. I could wear this to church. Who would know? And for a full minute, I gave that thought some serious consideration.
But ultimately, I put everything back in the box and stashed it away for fear that I might get into an accident on the way to church on Sunday morning and be found unconscious wearing a maternity dress. And it would be reported on the local news:
Jane: “Steve, This morning a Texas woman was found unconscious at the scene of an auto accident. She was wearing a dress with tie backs, but the label found in the collar clearly reads Motherhood Maternity (pauses to grimace). The woman was last known to be pregnant in 2003. (raises eyebrows slightly). It is also reported that she was not wearing good underwear (shakes her head). Her mother had this to say. (Video clip of Wivian) “I always told her to wear good underwear in case she was in an accident. But does she ever listen to me? No. She never listens to me. I can’t explain the maternity dress.” (she waves off the camera and closes the front door) Back to you Steve.”
Steve: “Speaking of crazy, Jane, we have had some cuh-razy weather lately. We are in for another round of showers, but apparently not baby showers! So you can put those maternity clothes away, ha ha ha…”
And then instead of dying of a concussion, I would die of embarrassment.