Parenting Gone Awry, Reruns and Leftovers

Corn – The Great Mystery Of The Universe

Corn is one of the most indestructible elements on the face of the earth. At one time it was on Mohs Scale of Hardness, but was later replaced by Conundrum. Or something like that. Which is a good thing because had it stayed on the list, your birthstone might be corn. It’s true. I would not make up something as serious as that just to amuse myself.

Anyway, you don’t need Moh to tell you about the properties of corn. You’ve eaten corn. You know that it can pass through the length and breadth of your digestive tract unblemished, unscathed and in tact. I became acutely aware of this fact soon after feeding the little boy corn for the first time. From the changing table, I called to Antique Daddy, “Dude! Get in here! You gotta see this!” He never falls for that.

Since then, I have learned that corn can even hold up to the most stringent of wash cycles – the setting that I call The Last Chance Cycle — hot and harsh. But this is not the time to bring up Antonio Banderas, this is about laundry. Anyway, that which emerges from The Last Chance Cycle  unrepentant and uncleansed is cast into the rag bag of damnation and destined to wash cars and mop up the unspeakable for all eternity. Be warned. It only takes one indiscreet fling with chili sauce.

I bring up the fascinating topic of corn for a reason.  As I’m pulling some clothes from the washer yesterday, I notice there is corn on everything. And I wondered from whence does this corn come? I did not remember opening a can of corn and dumping it in the washer. But I’m a 46-year-old woman with a toddler, so I don’t remember a lot of stuff. Nonetheless, being the logical and scientific CSI person I am, I began to seek clues. So I yelled out, “Hey Dude! Did you put corn in the washer?” And oddly enough, he did not even bother to dignify my question with a response.

I continued my investigation by checking pockets, which based on previous laundry experience, was probably a dumb thing to do. I hear of women who pull out ten dollar bills and even lottery tickets from pockets while doing laundry. I pull out things that breathe. And now? Corn. Someone, and I won’t name names here, had apparently filled his pockets with corn at the dinner table last night. On the bright side, it’s unlikely that I will be seeing corn on the changing table again, as it appears that none of it made it into his mouth.

In our next episode of Great Laundry Mysteries, I ask this question: How is it that a kleenex will disintegrate in your hand while dabbing a runny nose, yet survive a Last Chance cycle no worse for the wear?

My theory is that kleenex is made of corn.

This post was originally published in April 2006.

37 thoughts on “Corn – The Great Mystery Of The Universe

  1. Oh, this brings back some not so pleasant memories. I have one kid who eats anything – except anything with red sauce – and when she was little and in diapers she loved corn.

    One day while I was cleaning her off I learned the secret of corn. It is not really intact, as it looks. The inside of the corn kernel is gone, but it fills with fecal material like a tiny grocery bag.

    This was arguably the most disgusting motherhood lesson ever learned.


  2. I am laughing so hard, I have to come out of lurk mode and comment. Too funny!

    Oh, and if you ever run out of glue, try milk. (Ever leave a puddle of milk on the table and set something on top of it by mistake? Yeah. It doesn’t budge.)

    We could make corn glue and make millions.

  3. That is hilarious!

    Not only does corn have this indestructible property, but when little one has only 4 teeth in the front (so no chewing teeth), spinach is just as indestructable. And soft carrot pieces. And those freeze-dried apple pieces.


  4. Bwahahaha!!!! LOL@ corn in the pockets! I can just see him sneaking small handfuls down below the edge of the table and pushing them into his pockets.

    I’m blessed to find very clean rocks in the bottom of the washer after the cycle has run.

  5. I missed this the first time, but am so glad I found it today. I learned a wealth of new information and anytime someone can combine Antonio Banderas and corn, I am impressed.

  6. I’ve found lots of corn in the diapers over the years with 7 kids, and lots of other things, like coins. But it took 7 kids to get to find a band-aid tab that goes over the sticky part that you pull off before apply the band-aid. Yep, I found that in a diaper. And it had gone through the digestive system. And it came out intact. Not clean, but intact. And he is only 8 months old. What am I going to find when he really gets mobile?

  7. Now that’s funny! But I have to admit that I would absolutely make up something like that just to amuse myself, if I could.

  8. My friend & I call Antonio Banderas (and Johnny Depp, etc.) “nasty hot”… you know, they need to take a shower, but you kind of don’t want them to. Or maybe you do want them to but you want to help them out a bit…

    TMI for the mommy-blog circuit, sorry! Guess I need to take my act elsewhere! 🙂

  9. I cannot, at this moment, read this post due to the fact that I’ve read it before and seriously activated my asthma from laughing so hard. I need to find my inhaler and take a preliminary puff to offset the effects that reading THIS post will have on my lungs. One of your funniest EVER!!!!!!

  10. I remember the first time I changed a diaper after my son had eaten a few Almond Poppy Seed Muffins. For one moment I felt sure that his poopy diaper had been infested with ants. Then, of course, I realized that poppy seeds (from here on out referred to as “poopy seeds”) are similarly hard and indestructible.

  11. I am sooo glad I swallowed that last sip of coffee before I started reading this. It brought back a lot of memories!

  12. We had the same experience as Wordgirl, except my daughter’s diaper contained kiwi seeds. She also had grape skins in there once, the fruit was gone, but the skins did not digest.
    Honestly, the things we Moms share…………

  13. I knew from the title where you were going with this one. How about pieces of the tag from a Beanie Baby. Freaked me out just a little. But corn, nothing can measure up to corn.

  14. Not quite on topic but still about corn. Once a brother of mine dropped corn kernels into the little overflow hole in the sink. A while later the sink became a garden bearing a single stalk of corn. There is photographic evidence of this somewhere.

    A little more on topic but not about corn. If you see your son playing with “matches” (crayons) because he might need to start a “fire” sometime during the day…be sure to check his pant pockets before they hit the laundry. Crayons melt in the dryer and create many, many rags.

  15. Ever notice that when kids throw-up corn ALWAYS seems to be floating around? When my youngest was in diapers every time he had Kool-Aid that was the color you would get. Freaked me out the first time after he had lime green. Then we wanted to see if ALL flavors effected him. Cheap entertainment.
    Btw, I’m impressed that you remained focused and that Antonio couldn’t even take away the ick factor of corn.

  16. My own dear mother once stuck her hand into my brother’s pocket to find it full of stewed tomatoes. She learned a valuable lesson which she passed onto me. Never make your kids eat something they absolutely loath. Save your energy for more important battles.

  17. I have heard that you should not feed children under two corn on the cob, but only corn that has been sliced off the cob. I thought it was to prevent scratching their intestines on the pointy end of the niblet. Now, I find that it is to keep from poking holes in their diapers and letting the whole mess out!

  18. oh, the Kleenex never makes it through our wash! My husband (who does the laundry, isn’t that lovely? But I mow the lawn…) gets very angry when I forget to empty my pockets of tissue.

  19. I’m sure you’ve gotten this before, but I’ve listed you as one of the blogs that make me think. Just wanted you to know.

  20. ROFL! Very impressive to put corn in the pockets. Maybe I’ve lost too many brain cells from having children that I would not have thought of that. You have some smart cookies er, I mean corn.

  21. Hilarious. You know, corn should be “high as an elephant’s eye” right now, but because of near drought-like conditions, it’s high as an elephant’s shin. And yes, nearly indestructible. We take our corn seriously in Indiana.

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