Reruns and Leftovers

Something More About Mary

I’m working on a body of work right now that is taking more time than I anticipated, so today I leave you with my Ode To Mary Tyler Moore from last June, which by the way my friends Veronica Mitchell at Toddled Dredge and Mary Mom to Many at Owlhaven nominated for a Perfect Post.  Enjoy if you haven’t read it before, and if you have, then stop by Veronica’s and Mary’s instead and read their good stuff.  And don’t forget to show’em some love and leave a comment.

Ode To Mary Tyler Moore

I left the house feeling quite pleased with myself. I was having a Mary Tyler Moore day. I had on a pair of jeans that didn’t require me to hold my breath and a brand new blouse — sunny summer yellow with snap buttons up the front. My pedicured toes were showcased in my favorite pair of black Cole Haan sandals, my one summer splurge item. And? I was having a good hair day. It was 82 degrees and the sun was spilling in through the sunroof of the car. I put on my sunglasses and checked my look in the rearview mirror. Dang! I looked pretty good, not a day over 45. If I’d had a beret, I would have thrown it in the air.

After I dropped Sean off at school, I continued my mission to take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. First stop, Starbucks. As I was celebrating my splendid-ness with a refreshing Frappuccino, I noticed a man over in the corner checking me out over the screen of his laptop. I acted like I didn’t notice because I am just that cool. In what was supposed to be a sexy Sharon Stone-style move, I tipped the cup upwards to drain what was left of the sweet brown liquid. But. The ice broke loose from the bottom of the cup like a calving iceberg, smashing me in the face and gushing down my pretty yellow shirt and into my cleavage. I screamed. The man in the corner hid behind his laptop and chortled. He chortled! That is one small step above snorting. You have not been humiliated until you have been the object of a public chortling.

I stood and gathered up my dignity. I did a little side-to-side head move and flipped my good hair over my shoulders and then I put on my sunglasses and walked out of there like a model on a runway. Except that I was dabbing at my boobs with a wad of environmentally friendly Starbucks napkins which you should know, will disintegrate at the sight of liquid and leave behind what looks like spit up or oatmeal or spit up oatmeal on your shirt. When I thought I could plumb the depths of humiliation no further, I caught sight of my reflection in the door on my way out. I not only had an icy drink in my bra, I had a whipped cream mustache.

I was not going to let a little Frappuccino down my shirt ruin my Mary Tyler Moore day. I still had on a fabulous pair of sandals. I still had on a sexy pair of jeans. I could still make it afterall! I arrived at my next stop, my doctor’s office, for some routine blood work. As I sat in the blood drawing chair, I noticed the lab technician eyeing my sunny yellow oatmeal shirt. She didn’t ask and I didn’t offer.

On the way out of the doctor’s office, I decided to use the restroom before I continued turning the world on with my smile at TJMaxx. As I raised my pretty little pink painted tootsie to flush, the slick sole of my chic sandal slipped and I baptized my foot in the flushing toilet. I screamed for the second time that morning. I pulled my wet foot out and stood there like a flamingo helplessly watching Cole Haan go around and around. At the last moment, I reached in and made the rescue.

My Mary Tyler Moore day was literally going down the toilet. I stood dejected at the sink, on one foot, washing my sandal. The bathroom door opened and I looked in the mirror to see the lab technician. She stopped when she recognized it was me, oatmeal girl. She didn’t make eye contact with me, but rather raised her eyebrows with an expression of amusement and pity, as though she had finally seen it all. She didn’t ask and I didn’t offer. I slogged out of the doctors office, past the nurse and the non-Mary Tyler Moore patients wearing my one leg wet jeans, one shoe, a shirt covered in what looks like oatmeal and carrying a shoe wrapped in a paper towel.

When I picked Sean up from school he was demanding to go to Old McDonald’s and since I already smelled like Frappuccino and urine, I gave in. It wasn’t long before I spied him in the corner of the play yard in the poop pose, the one that looks like he is about to lift off wearing a silver space age jet pack on his back — knees slightly bent, clenched fists out front. He was also wearing the red-faced, eyes glazed over poop expression. Great. Not exactly the finale I had in mind for my Mary Tyler Moore day, but at the same time, it seemed fitting. I called him over and gave him the news that we needed to go home. Given the day’s track record, the last thing I was up for was changing a poopy diaper in a public restroom. He was not very happy about this decision, so I had to carry him to the car, kicking and screaming and flailing.

With a “fully loaded” boy under one arm and my purse, keys, his shoes and our drinks under my other three arms, I exited the restaurant. As I was leaving I noticed that everyone was looking at me. My spirits were buoyed. I started thinking, wow, even after the day I’ve had, I still look pretty good.

That’s when I looked down to see that in the course of all the thrashing about, Sean had unsnapped my shirt down to my navel. And I had not one free arm to do anything about it.

So much for my Mary Tyler Moore day. If I’d had a beret, I would have just pulled it completely over my head.

A Perfect Post

46 thoughts on “Something More About Mary

  1. Well, what a perfectly awful day, but I see why it got a Perfect Post award. Thanks for running it by again.

    P.S. Now I’ve got the M.T.M. theme song rolling around in my head endlessly. Oh, well, “love is all around, no need to waste it…” 🙂

  2. That’s so hysterical. I could see that happening to me, but I would not be able to tell it nearly as well. Loved it. I was not only unseccussfully trying not to chortle, I was snorting as I was reading, sitting at my greet-the-public, front desk, first-impression-as-you-walk in the door job. Thanks for sharing!

  3. I needed that so badly. Sorry to laugh so hard at your expense, but you blessed me.

    Praying your “body of work” does not become so wet, messy or smelly. Or maybe that you are writing more MTM material for book form–hmmmm…?

    Let us know where to purchase!!

    ~Julie~

  4. Thank you for making my day special and lifting my mood. I have three kids 11, 9, and 7, and I have been there and done that. It’s nice to know I’m not alone!

    Keep up the SUPER work!

  5. Lot’s of time you read LOL – but this REALLY DID make me LAUGH OUT LOUD!

    Thanks for writing this.

  6. That was a really good post!!! So funny…me too LOL!!! I am sorry you had to have all that happen but you write about it well! So very funny!!!

  7. Ok, that was a very unfortunate day for you… but an oh so funny read for the rest of us! Thank you so much for sharing it!
    Here’s hoping you won’t have a repeat of that type of day anytime soon.

  8. Thank you for making me laugh out loud on a Monday! You are my new favorite author! Could you be more fabulous? I think you should go ahead and throw your beret up in to the air!

  9. I can’t just read this, laughing hysterically, and then leave without a comment. You are the best. Thanks for making my day seem worthwhile (it really was kind of stinky up until now).
    Are you working on a book by any chance?

  10. I know we are all sounding like a stuck record now, but thank you! Laughs on a Monday, YAY! It reminded me of the days I used to keep a sleeveless top in my bag, JUST IN CASE!!

  11. My husband was in the kitchen getting a little snack when he heard me belly laughing – he asked what was so funny and I said “who is the best writer in the world?!”…he said “Antique Mommy?!”. Thank you for sharing your gift with us – your ability to make a normal day seem magical (or in this case, laughable) is truly appreciated from readers like myself!!

  12. I am so laughing with you and never at you. I needed a serious belly laugh and I just got it. I hope your next ” Mother’s Day Out” is much better. 🙂

  13. The cat is wondering what I am hysterically laughing at…Oh, you made me giggle and I needed this! We’ve all been there! Laurie

  14. I love this post. I happened upon it several months ago while browsing your blog and the sidebar comments. I have gone back to it several times when I wanted to laugh so hard tears fall. Thanks for rekindling it for us.

  15. Wow. Poor you. I don’t think I’ve ever had a day like that and I sure hope I never do. I don’t think I’d cope with dignity. In fact, I’m certain I wouldn’t and a temper tantrum of my own would probably have been thrown.

  16. Hi Antique Mommy. I just came across your site and I’ve started reading your wonderful blog… and the ‘how did that happen’ section! Nature works in mysterious ways doesn’t it. Your writing is beautiful. And the Mary Tyler Moore post is hilarious – thank you 🙂

  17. I love your blog. I think your writing style is fit for a book/screenplay.
    I immediately thought about the time I thought I’d be the hero of the morning and buy coffee for all my teacher friends (with my newly received ‘end of the year’ teacher gifts – the always appreciated Starbucks gift cards). Long story short, getting into my car proved much more difficult than expected, and I lost everybody’s drinks to the seats of my Camry. I could see the laughing faces from the people looking directly at me from inside. Niiice.
    I decided to go home, change, and never mention it again. Thank god my clean obsessed husband had stored some Clorox wipes in the door….

  18. This IS, most definitely, a perfect post. Mary’s award was what sent me here for the first time, actually, and I’ve enjoyed being here ever since.

  19. My eyes are brimming with tears from laughing so hard! I will never sing the Mary Tyler Moore theme song the same again.

  20. It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t have the MTM beret or it might have hit you in the head while you spun to catch it rendering you unconscious. What a day!!! This is one of the best blog entries i have ever read!!! My friend Jessica steered me over here and I’m so glad I found you. I can’t wait to read the rest of your entries!!

    Jessica The Rock Chick

  21. Still love this post! It was the first of yours that I read and I’m still coming back! Thanks for all your blogging! Love to visit!

  22. Wow, that was a perfect post. One of the best and most funny posts I’ve ever read.

    I have walked around with my blouse unbuttoned before, but never with a poohy little one under one arm, peeps drenched sandal in another, and napkin slop on my cleavage!

  23. My sister calls these events E.B.T.s- Embarassing, But True. You always give me such a laugh. Thanks for sharing from foibles and successes-it gives me encouragement in my mothering.

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