Antique Crazy, Antique Daddy, Parenting Gone Awry

Playing With Fire


So, lets say you are a fireman.

Let’s also say that at around 6:45 am, you are roused out of your slumber by the smell of smoke. So you spring out of bed and you start putting out fires. Even before your first cup of coffee.

At first, the fires are small and you can keep up. You kind of just step on them and smother them with your flip flop. But then, there are more and more little fires and you are river dancing on fires all over the place. And in between the little fires, big fires flare up here and there.

And so all day long you are putting out fires. You are running from fire to fire, stomping on them and spitting on them and whacking them with whatever you can find. And every time you sit down or try to grab something to eat or even try to run to the restroom, another fire starts and so you just keep putting out fires, all day long.

And then around 5:30, all the fires are subdued and the smoke has cleared and you are whipped and you realize you haven’t even brushed your teeth today.  So you sit down and wipe the soot from under your eyes. And you try not to cry.

About that time someone walks in and says, “Wow, you look beat!” And you say, “Yes, your son has been a pill today.” And then that same someone says, “He seems fine to me.”

Is that an okay time to whack that someone with your charred flip flop? Hypothetically speaking of course. Or should you finish your martini first?

68 thoughts on “Playing With Fire

  1. I would whack him first and then wind down afterwards with the martini. Assuming that I drank martinis, which I don’t.

    Wait! Hold the martini WHILE you whack him, then you won’t have to shake it.

  2. Man that is one little fireball you have, lol
    I think I would leave the two alone for the rest of the night alone while you go out to have that martini? That way you dont have to whack either of them lol

  3. Have you been following me around today? The ONLY relief from the crazy, allergy affected, whiney people today was during naptime and a BRIEF outing with Daddy. Otherwise, I was on your fire fighting team. Complete with non-brushed teeth. Yuck!
    And for the record, there was no martini or whacking. Just a warning to leave me the #### alone and a quiet closing of my office door.

  4. Passing the refills, and joining with a whack to my own “head fireman”. 😉

    Putting out a few hundred of my own, here.

    I pray your Monday goes smoother…

  5. I vote for making him *eat* the charred flip-flop.

    and taking that martini to the bathroom and locking the door…ALONE

  6. Mine are older now, (9,8 and nearly 6) so I am breathing that sigh of relief that comes between “little” and “teenaged”. But I had a technique for creating a “force field” around myself on those days when I just needed to SIT DOWN, now! I would make a cup of tea, and say “hot! HOT!” To anyone who came near. This had a weird effect. It was like the boys knew that nobody was allowed to do ANYTHING till I had finished my tea, and no sitting on laps or clinging either.(because of being HOT!) This actually worked so well that I have been known to fill a mug with tap water, brandish it at my sons and say “HOT!” and all became quiet and still for that blessed 5 minutes. while I drank tap water and dreamed of going to Tahiti. Of course, you have to let one-year-olds feel the “hot” on the side of the mug, and say “ooooh! Hot!” till they understand the sacredness of the thing. And do not get up! Or else they will know you’re not serious!

  7. I’d just THROW the flip-flop, so as not to potentially slop some of my martini out of the glass in the other hand.

  8. Aw! I hope they weren’t really CUTE flip flops that got charred! That would be a shame. Maybe you should invest in fireboots? They’d be better for firestomping AND make for a more substantial impact should the need arise again to fling one of them. While drinking a HUGE martini out of the other, of course.

  9. This is sooo my life, when hubby gets home from work mini-me has exhausted all the naughtyness in him & become an absolute angel, a model of good behaviour.
    At times it’s like our son is two people in the one body & hubby has never seen the devil-child so doesn’t understand or worse thinks I’m exaggerating…. Until recently……..
    I set up my webcam to record his behaviour when daddy’s at work without mini-me noticing then played it back that night so hubby could see. He was shocked, surprised & hurt (I him cos he was laughing) but I also got the whole weekend to myself to lounge, read & bath on my own so it wasn’t all bad.

  10. Yes, my response would be…I am off to lock myself in the bedroom and you can spend the evening with him and let me know if “he still seems fine” to you.

    Here’s hoping todays a better day.

  11. Actually, “he looks fine to me” is a supreme compliment and should be taken as such! Think about it: all your fire-stomping is shaping and moulding that little one into Christlikeness. Well done, Mom!

  12. JoAnna, do you not speak husbandese? “He looks fine to me” doesn’t mean the kid appears to be unharmed. It means “What’s the big deal?” or “Get a grip woman!” And thems flip flop flinging words.

  13. Oh, definitely fling the flip flop directly into the mouth of the someone who can’t figure out you need a direct route to the nearest hot tub and lots and lots of chocolate!

  14. Whack him and then enjoy your drink. And while you’re at it, get him to make you a second one.
    I totally understand where you are coming from. I tell people, it was not the “terrible twos” at my house. It was the “Terrible Threes.” And still, they are so sweet and so funny too.

  15. Holy cow… ROFLMAO @ nan with the “HOT!! HOT!!!” I’m so seriously going to do that. My 3 y.o. is old enough to understand that. And TAP WATER!!! LOL!!!

    A.M., you crack me up with the “flip flop flinging words”!!!

    What a terrific post!!!!!!! (and a few more exclamation points for good measure!!!)

  16. I think I just peed my pajama bottoms 😀 You crack me up woman! Sorry for your rough day..been there, actually still there…only I’m a single mom & that conversation usually takes place between me & God…ending w/God telling me that I should have seen the fires he put out before I even woke up! ahhh…not a fan of humility 😉

  17. Aren’t you going on a trip soon? I HOPE your husband will be taking care of your son alone (as opposed to Grandma) because that is the only way for him to get a taste of firefighting. It felt like I had won the lottery the time when I was gone for a week and when I came back my husband commented that he noticed his hygiene had gone downhill all week.

  18. Yeah. After a DAY, “Get a grip, woman,” in any language, dialect or form is just plain provocative and offensive.

  19. Oh, prolific Antique Mommy, you have perfectly described my life. . .and I say that you have EVERY right to whack the commentor with your charred flip flop while simultaneously finishing your martini. . .but you probably won’t. . .at least not TOO often. . .because you are wise. . .and you are way too tired to do that much work. But if, on occasion, you whack both the pyromaniac who starts the fires AND the roving reporter who merely views the aftermath and feels it his dominion to point out the obvious, we will all understand.

  20. . . .oh, and “river dancing all over fires. . .” I just got a mental image of you in some crop pants and cute summer blouse with flip flops dancing a jig across your house. . .with martini IN HAND!!!!!

  21. Can you do both at the same time? Whack him with the flip flop with one hand and drink the martini with the other???

  22. By all means whack him with the flip flop, down the martini, then demand HE makes you another one while you you smack him with the other one. Come on ya got two might as well use ’em. Hope you have a better day!!

  23. Definitely whack him immediately! What nerve! Then while he nurses his wounds, enjoy the martini and tell him he looks fine to you. Also, he gets to put out the next fire! Good thing we love husbands and kids isn’t it?

  24. whack first … but with your heels (you know, the ones you wear once a year? they’re buried in your closet somewhere) then have a double martini.
    k 😉

  25. So I read this to the hubby…for reasons that needn’t be mentioned. And he said, “ask her what a fireman’s doing in bed at 6:45.” Don’t worry, I whacked him.

  26. Oh boy, can I relate! I love how you can take a day like this and use it to bring laughter to others!! Um, yeah, whack him with the flip-flop!! Or, like Erika said, make him eat it! I love your blog!!

  27. Just wait…..When you get back from your trip, you will find Antique Daddy unshaven, unbathed, teeth with fuzz on them, flip flops melted to his feet, and the kitchen torn apart as a result of looking for the necessities of a martini.

  28. AM:

    When you mentioned “flip flops” I immediately thought of your family word for squirrel, which you discussed in a post earlier this month!I then imagined you putting out fires with and eventually flinging a battered squirrel at your hubby.

    By the way, I have discussed the “family words” comcept with several others since your post. It has made for some very funny conversations.

    Some in our family:
    gravy legs = diarreha (can’t spell it)

    A “ding dang” means I just did the oppisite of what I should do. Or no matter what I do someone will be upset.

    We use the word “actor” for a**hole. Nothing against actors. “That cashier was such an actor”!

    When discussing whether to start a show to entertain our daughter for a while, instead of saying Dora and Boots my husband and I began saying Arod and Stoob (their names spelled backwards). THis avoided a temper tantrum at the mere mention of the names…

    I digress….You keep fighting those fires, you brave woman. Perhaps AD needs a little reminder that lots of fires during the day means no “fire” at night. 🙂

  29. Oh, if i had a buck for every time those kind of comments flew around my house….. The $$$$$ I’d have….

    Not only is it ok to whack him with the flipflop, you should then shove it down his throat! 😉 joking, of course (kinda)…

  30. Aren’t toddler boys and husbands grand?! Sorry you had such a rough day – I loved your post – that is such a great analogy and I’m sure just about every mother of a toddler boy can relate! Hope tomorrow is better… 🙂

  31. Run to the martini!!!!…so those little chips of ice on the top don’t melt. The whackee will still be there long after the last olive has been eaten.

  32. This is often how I feel on my days off–and sometimes even an hour after I’ve been home on a work day. Since I hear from our neighborhood that we’re all in the same boat, so I’d say it’s the age. (Which BTW–Age 3, just Terrible Twos w/a year of experience.) SO purchase stock in the martini making industry!

    The way we usually solve this one is to go out front and wait for Daddy to come home (cause it’s around time for him to come home when I’ve completely lost it–and in public I can’t kill my children). Since I have two, I get the big one to push the little one in her play car & I sit in a lawn chair sipping my sangria & yelling at them to “turn around that’s too far”. (You could get Sean to go on a snipe hunt or if he’s wise to you, about the search for a perfect stick?)

    Don’t ruin a good pair of flip flops over it. Send him w/child to the store for more martini ingredients and then shop for new flip flops (retail therapy) while they’re gone.

  33. Emphatic smackage should commence immediately upon utterance of such a grievously ignorant comment. And then much grovelling should take place.

    Been there. Husband will never know the sheer effort it took to get through Diminutive One’s toddlerhood.

  34. Whack him first, take a drink, whack him again, take a drink. Continue until your drink is gone. Feel free to refill at any time. 🙂

  35. You’ve just got to hate days like that! And Hubby has been a daddy long enough to know better than to make that kind of a statement! Whop him a good one!

  36. Mamá Antigua, you just sez ta him, “Darlin’, he seems fine to me, too. But since I look so beat, why don’t you just massage my feet with one hand, rinse the soot off my flip-flops with the other hand, and while you’re at it, you could just put the cocktail shaker on your head and whip me up another martini.” 🙂

  37. AM do you have cameras in my house and one of those unauthorized white house listening devices on my cell phone????
    the additional factor that daddy is gone for 3-4 weeks at a time and so here the response when i am feeling this way is along the lines of he never does that stuff when i am home…i think your just picking on my boy….sometimes a whacking with the flip flop just doesnt say enough
    thinking today might be one of those days i should settle down with a bottle of wine and a good chick flick….if i could get our lil arsonist to sleep…remind me again when is dosing them up w/ benadryl stricty for sleep purposes allowed???

  38. So one day…..just don’t put out the fires…..let the mayhem happen……….let Antique Daddy arrive in the middle of a four alarm fire…..then put on your flip flops, grab your martini and head out the door, away from the heat of the fire, and let Antique Daddy man the hoses!

  39. 56 comments and yet i must add mine!!!!!
    I am snorting with laughter!!!
    Oh the memories come flooding back.
    I slide into my morning coffee (mit a bit of whipped hot milk) slip into my red prayer chair (with a blankie because it is 58F here in Germany on this July morning) and settle into handing God my day – then as this day would have it… I open your blogspot!
    FUNNiest thing for me is that the most crazy memories are from my oldest son – whew! And he… and he… and heeee is NOW a firefighter (first in the fam).
    Could it be that those years gave him the scent for soot? hahaha

  40. This comment made me laugh OUT LOUD for about five minutes. I seriously couldn’t breathe. How incredibly hilarious. . .and how incredibly true. Bless his pea pickin’ heart. . .he TOTALLY missed the fire truck on that one. . .:)

    His Girl says:

    So I read this to the hubby…for reasons that needn’t be mentioned. And he said, “ask her what a fireman’s doing in bed at 6:45.” Don’t worry, I whacked him.

  41. LOL Forgive me, AM! I was trying to find the pearl in the oyster.

    I actually have had ambitions to become a booze hag so no one would expect anything from me except to find me at the end of the bar, calling everyone “honey,” and cackling over my Camel cigarettes.

    Since I don’t smoke and I’m allergic to alcohol, this has never worked.

  42. Widowed now and with my only son (23) still living at home, there are times when he is still a pill! I’d go with the Martini, it’s not worth the energy to do anything but!

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