Antique Junk Drawer

I’ve Never Liked August

If I were going to vote off one of the months of the calendar it would be August. August is the doldrums of the calendar – a stretch of time when nothing exciting is happening, no special holidays, nothing to look forward to all month except for August being over. I think we should be like the Europeans and skip August all together and go to Monte Carlo. Who’s in?

And then in addition to the ugh that is August, a lot of little crud has turned into a big pile of crud which I plan to dig myself out of as soon as my three-year-old boyfriend returns to school THIS WEEK! Yes, of course I’ll be crying my eyes out all the way to Starbucks and then to Nordstroms and probably Dillards after that. I will be devastated to have all that free time to myself, oh yes I will. But I will cope, because I am strong. And it’s just bad form to weep into your double latte.

So I won’t bore you too much with all the woe is Antique Mommy stuff other than to say that before my computer died, I had a couple of weeks worth of posts written that are gone. Pfffft. Outta here. And at my age, you don’t remember that much. So I got nothing.

Oh wait, there is this — a little snippet from my ridiculous life that will make you feel better about your own walking skills:

One morning last week, Sean and I went to the open house at his school. As we made our way across the school parking lot towards the building, he started crying and clinging and climbing all over me like some sort of psychotic koala bear. He starts this every time we get within 100 yards of a school. He does not want to go to school. He wants to stay home and play with me all day which is all well and good, except that I don’t really like him that much. KIDDING! Sort of. No really, I have him in school because he needs to be out of my hair with other kids.

So I hoisted him up on my hip and continued towards the school but not before my sandal catches on the one section of pavement that is 1/1000th of an inch taller than the previous step. Yes, those sandals. And oh yes, I did one of those long-stride stumbling sequences that is just so very graceful, all while carrying a 40 pound koala bear on my head which does little to improve one’s balance. And I can’t even blame it on my iPod.

Of course this kind of move exactly conveys the kind poise and confidence that will no doubt make all the other mother’s who were also walking into the school that morning clamor to be my friend and invite me out for coffee because really, where can you find that much cool all in one place?

Luckily, I did not fall. And I was really really grateful for that small blessing because if I had to go to the open house wearing a 40-pound koala on my head, at least I wasn’t all bloodied and scraped up.  And see, that’s how you know it’s August becuase your idea of a blessing is not limping into the school open house wearing torn and blood stained capri’s and carrying your child on your head.

41 thoughts on “I’ve Never Liked August

  1. I agree…August is WAY too hot and even humid…well at least in SoCali where it’s never humid except for the month of August. Christmas is too far away to get excited about it. And summer is old news by now! Monte Carlo it is!!

  2. Poor Antique Mommy. The treacherous task of spending some time on your own. I will be shipping a 15 year old to you tomorrow so you’re not lonely.

    You’re welcome!

  3. I am scheming to entice August to form an alliance with July, who is worried that he’s next since you’re on this anti-humidity purge, and we’re going to vote off January instead. February is next on the chopping block.

    –a Northerner

  4. I signed on to say that had exactly the same thoughts about August a few days ago, however now that I’ve read about the sandals and the iPod incidents I’m laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my face. Good thing I work alone from a home office.
    I hope Sean thrives in school this year! (I’m torn about wishing there were no more unfortunate AM incidents – we’d miss out on such excellent, and funny, writing.)

  5. “because really, where can you find that much cool all in one place?” Where, indeed? I’ve always thought that you were the epitome of cool. Well, except for Sting, of course.

  6. I have heard it said there are only 2 seasons in Texas – August and the rest of the year. I am inclined to agree.

    As for school, there is always homeschooling…..

  7. First August, then February. Where will it all end? All we will have left is May, maybe October, and the tail end of December.

  8. Sigh. And yet again, here is where I wish that I lived where you live because I would be the first in line to “clamor to be my friend and invite you out for coffee” because I think you ARE that cool (and I would hope beyond the realm of reality that it would rub off on me a bit too. At least we could have some great laughs and a few serious moments too.)

    I’ve got nothing against August, especially this year. We’ve had the most delightful weather, kid-time and pool fun. I’ll take an August of this kind anyday. As for the lack of holiday, who says we need government to tell us when to celebrate something. We could start our own day to celebrate Chocolate or Wine or Coffee or something Important like that.

  9. August is the longest month of the year. It’s why I want to go on vacation in August next year. It will give me something to look forward to. Now I look forward to September which is the best month. Thank God for teachers. I love my son but I don’t want him home with me AND have to teach him. He of course thinks homeschooling sounds like a great idea. Maybe if I were younger and had more kids but as an only child he needs to be around other kids. Oh well, maybe in my next life?

  10. I like August okay because it’s my anniversary and the kids go back to school, but otherwise, yeah, it could go. I had a very graceful moment this morning while baking muffins. I pulled my stoneware muffin pan out of the cupboard and along with it a round stone came out and fell onto my baby toe. But, I wasn’t wearing my child on my head. 🙂

  11. Down here we say that if one survives August, then you get one more year of life. So August is not really a month anyone is looking forward to but rather everyone is happy when it´s gone! Superstition….

  12. What’s next on the agenda for the Sandals of Evil? They seem bent on your destruction and public humiliation. Three year old boyfriend…hahaha. Good one. Some days? It feels like that.

  13. i loathe august! after august comes september…..and then we plow feet first into the holiday season. (at least in florida) what ever happened to the lazy days of autumn i remember as a child? *sighs*

  14. Y’all, I just picked up *those* sandals to take back to the closet and I noticed that the front half of the sole is missing on one of them. I have no idea how long they’ve been like that. Which I think says that it’s not me, it’s the shoes. Okay, it’s partly the shoes. And the other sole is cracked in half. I would take a picture for you but then that would be like admitting that I really am THAT boring, that I post pictures of the bottoms of my shoes. Okay, off to slam dunk my Papagallos into the trash.

  15. Preschool days are long gone here. My daughter just started her senior year of high school last week, and my younger daughter just began 7th grade. But I remember fondly the days when they wanted to stay home and play with me all day!!

  16. Yeah, yeah, yeah, August would be nuked from the calendar. What about us poor August babies? Don’t we get any sympathy for being born during this month? No? All right, then.

  17. I’ve always liked September better than August. I’ll second the notion of offing February, too.

    This morning, in a twist of fate, my 5-year old cried when I dropped her off with her sister at before school care, and my 3-year old ended up making funny faces at me as I left. Usually, it’s the other way around… *sigh*

  18. That does make me feel happy about my walking skills… thank you 🙂
    I feel about January the way you do about August.
    Hope all the crapola gets straightened out soon!

  19. Patois — Yeah, I know. I thought of that as I was writing the post. All August birthdays get free trips to Monte Carlo. I have a Feb. birthday which is the Winter equivalent to August.

  20. I was wondering the other day if it makes me a bad mom that I’m looking forward to tomorrow when my son starts preschool! Thanks for letting me know that I’m not the only one. I think it will be good for all of us to have a little separation (he has a younger sister who will still be home with me).

  21. I still remember my oldest child’s first day of mother’s day out. There is the scar on my knee to remind me of the parking lot that I did fall in! I even wrote a post about it on my blog. Check it out…it is one of my earliest stories.

    Rachel Langston

  22. I also dislike August and I also have many of the same graceful moves that you describe. Of course, they never happen when there are NO observers. Glad you made it in to the school safely. When my kids were little, Labor Day was my favorite holiday.

  23. Shoes in the trash???? *Gasp* Was there a memorial service? When are we going out to find another pair in memory of the ones you lost?

  24. August does stink. The only good thing about school in the south starting mid-August, is that it makes the month much less painful when one of your children isn’t there!

  25. I agree, let’s just forget August. The kids started back to school at the beginning of the month and I have a 3 year old who is going through big brother withdrawal.
    Came here to see how other mid-4o’s moms deal with raising younger children. Can tell I will enjoy your posts a lot!

  26. August stunk and was super hayfevery for the kiddlings, I can’t wait for my open houses, they’re this week, my son informed me that a little rodent that also happened to be on his baseball team this year is playing crazy games with him at school such as.. I’m going to tell the teacher you hit me in the face Brandon… What?! I pray his parents are at the open house, I have a few things to discuss with them in regard to their rodent..

  27. I, personally believe…that February sux WAY more than August. In fact, many years ago I made a mix tape and named it February Suckx:Songs to Kick Out the Winter Blues. I think I’m prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder to, and really who wants to be outside in Feb? It’s always nasty, cold, windy, and rainy. When I lived back east the only thing that made February exciting was a blizzard. Don’t even try to say “But what about Valentines?” Valentines is only fun when you’re in school, otherwise it’s a pian in the you know where. I end up buying my Valentines Day gift every year. One year we did have a great GroundHog Day Party, rather the restaurant where I was working had a great Groundhog Day party. But really I more loathe February than August. August is still fun in the sun and back to school shopping and barbecues etc-yay!

  28. I am cracking up at this post. I am not sure I really like August either. Especially this August when the temps were record highs. The only thing good this month were a few birthdays in the family otherwise I am with you lets skip it I am sure I could coerce the family members to move their birthdays to July . 🙂 If I saw you that day at open house I would come up to right away and ask if I could be your new best friend forever. With a 4 and 5 yr old physical entertainment(falls, spills, you name it) is my speciality. All done in the presence of others. Very humbling.

  29. OOHHH I hate August too!! SO glad it’s fiiinally September! 🙂 And your post made me and my husband laugh out loud!! You are seriousely the best writer ever! btw: sorry to hear you had computer problems!

  30. When I was a kid, I looked forward to August. My birthday is August 1 and I loved going back to school. Now that I’m a LOT older and we just had the hottest August on record in our area, I’m so glad it is over! We had 25 days of 90+ degrees in southern Ohio in Aug. I teach school, so I’ve been going “back to school” for approx. 32 years. This is also the first fall in 8 years that I DON’T have a kid going back to college. They both have graduated. Woo-Hoo!!!

    When my daughter was about 1 yr. old, we were going to a wedding shower. It was on a Sunday afternoon and we were dressed in our good clothes. While I was walking on a sidewalk carrying her in my arms, I suddenly fell. I tried so hard to keep from dropping her that I actually sat down, VERY HARD, on the sidewalk. My mom was with us and immediately ran to help. She took the baby and kept asking if I was all right. I tore a huge hole in my hose (which were black) and had jarred myself to the depths of my soul but was okay. Anyway, I had been wearing spike-heeled, sling-back black high heels (this was in 1984). One of my shoes was caught in a crack in the sidewalk. The heel of the shoe was stuck so tightly, that I had to get on my hands and knees (on the sidewalk, which was at a busy intersection) and yank my heel out of the crack. By then, Mom and I were laughing so hard, we were near hysterics! I really stoved myself up trying not to hurt my baby. Parenting is not for cowards (or the uncoordinated)!

  31. Oh, man, this was so funny! The 40-lb. psychotic koala bear was too much!

    I too, hate August and was thrilled when it was Sept 1, but I must be the only person who’s not happy about school starting. I miss my six-year-old boyfriend! He’s been in school for a month already and we’re still trying to figure out what to do with ourselves (his younger sister and brother and I). He just started first grade and is gone for eight hours a day (his school has long school days)! Probably it’s because I had always planned to homeschool, but life interfered and health-wise I can’t do it.

    I’m glad those shoes went in the trash. They really had it in for you. I hope Sean likes school. 🙂

  32. Well, August is my month. Birthday. Anniversary. I’d rather not vote it off the calendar because after all those birthdays I attended as a kid, taking presents to everyone else’s party, dog-gone-it, I want a party of my own.

    And did you know that in wordpress, you can write ahead of time and edit the timestamp in the process, saving it to appear magically at the designated time? Yes-sir-ee-bob, no more lost blog posts from a computer gone bad. Go on and put them in your wordpress “write” section.

    Yay to the start of school for Sean. He will love it. Even if he has to warm up to it.

  33. Well…I do those “slides” all the time. I am so good at them and they go so fast that you never realize that I didn’t mean to do it in the first place. Graceful is not my virtue. However, sometimes, I am ashamed to say that it is better to just fall.

  34. As embarrassing as they are, I cherish those slip/trip/nearly fall moments for their hidden benefits, ie every near crash results in a bit of DIY chiropractic for my neck.

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