Ever since “the incident” with the sunglasses, I have not felt the same about them. Since that day in infamy, any time I have put them on, I involuntarily shudder, unable to forget their dark and
soggy sordid history. I lost that loving feeling towards them and decided that I should probably go ahead and splurge on another pair of cheap sunglasses.
So today, I found myself at RossDressForLess (you have to say it like that) and as luck would have it, I found a gen-u-wine pair of Ralph Lo-wren sunglasses for only $7.99! And I even looked half way decent in them. There are some people who look good in glasses and hats and other things on their head, Jennifer Lopez for example, but I am not one of those people. I could don a ball cap, a hair bow or an otter and look equally ridiculous. Yes, the best I can hope for in the way of head gear is half way decent, not that bad — not terribly hideous is my fashion goal. So I excitedly headed out of the store with my new designer sunglasses anxious to remove the tags and be all uptown girl or as uptown as one can be when cruising the suburbs in a mom-mobile.
As I left the store, I ripped the old pair of sunglasses off my head and slam dunked them into the trash can with the kind of flourish that made Michael Jordan famous. Good riddance, so long and adios ya big losers, it’s me and Ralph now! I pulled out my cute little Swiss army knife that I keep in my car especially for tag cutting emergencies and just as I went to snip the tag, the itty bitty sissors slipped and gashed the lens right down the center, deep and long. And I was filled with the joy of the Lord, all mirth and glee and delight as you might imagine.
So then. After I cursed the Swiss army and Ralph Lauren, I
stomped walked back into the store to buy yet another pair of sunglasses. I paused at the garbage can where the $5 Wal-Mart flush-me-nots rested in crumpled peace and I gave a moment of consideration to pulling them out of the trash can and stomping on them with both feet for good measure but decided against digging through the garbage, because you know, I have my standards.
As I went through the checkout line for the second time in less than twenty minutes with a second pair of sunglasses, the check out girl gave me a puzzled look. “Didn’t you just buy a pair of sunglasses?” she asked. “Yup,” I said. And then I put on my new not-terribly-hideous sunglasses and I wore them out of the store, tags and all because at my level of cool, price tags don’t make much difference.
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When you wake up in the morning and the light is hurt your head
The first thing you do when you get up out of bed
Is hit that streets a-runnin’ and try to beat the masses
And go to Ross and get yourself some cheap sunglasses
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah