Antique Crazy

The Possum

Early, early one chilly morning last week, just as the sun glimmered on the eastern horizon, I sat at my desk in the kitchen wearing my hot pink chenille robe, plaid flannel jammie bottoms, long-sleeved thermal top and leopard print fuzzy slippers. I was minding my own business. I was drinking a cup of coffee.  I was reading your blog.  I was enjoying the warmth and snuggliness that is Pinkie (my robe, it has a name).

As I got up to refill my coffee cup, I looked out the back windows and caught sight of something traipsing across my back yard towards the house. I’d noticed recently that something had been digging in my yard (again) and so I ran to the windows to investigate. And sure enough there WAS something traipsing across my backyard! An interloper! So I grabbed my shotgun and ran outside. Vittles! No, not really. I don’t have a shotgun. But a shotgun would have been a nice accessory to my outfit, don’t you think?

When I got out there, I came face to face with a possum. We paused momentarily to give each other the fish eye. And then I remembered from my days of hiking in Yosemite that if you can make yourself look bigger you can scare off wild animals, like mountain lions. Now, I know this wasn’t a mountain lion, but why take a chance? The last thing I want in the genealogical record is to be the ancestor who was killed by a possum in her own backyard while wearing a hot pink chenille robe.

So I unfurled Pinkie and held out my robe with both hands, and for all intents and purposes, I flashed the possum. And I also did an impression of a lion for effect. But the possum, he was not impressed with my impression of a perverted lion in a pink chenille trench coat. And he waddled off.  Waddled. Not scurried, not hurried, but waddled. He didn’t even bother to traipse he was so unimpressed. And then he disappeared into the hydrangeas.

So, for good measure, I flashed him again and growled ferociously letting him know that I meant business, that I was a chenille force with which to be reckoned.

But if you were the person who was out jogging at that particular moment, all you would have seen is a crazy lady out in her backyard at the crack of dawn wearing a hot pink chenille robe, growling like a psycho and flashing the hydrangeas.

55 thoughts on “The Possum

  1. I think they’re half blind, because they seem to always respond like that. Lucky for them, I like them and think their marsupial-ness is cool, the ugly little things.

  2. One of my funniest childhood memories involves my dad flashing a possum in our south Texas backyard – but he was armed with a hoe and had his overcoat over his pajamas! As he chased the possum his overcoat flew open – not fastened of course – and he tripped and fell with the hoe outstretched and the lucky possum got away. My mother has laughed about that through the years and we are glad the neighbors didn’t see “the good minister” on a deadly expedition in his pajamas. He would do anything to protect his citrus trees including starting a fire – but that is another story!
    Thanks for the memories 🙂

  3. Brigitte, I’m cool with their marsupial-ness. I’m not so cool with them digging in my yard and ripping open my trash bags. On the other hand if he would kill the mole that is destroying my yard, I could overlook a ripped open trashbag or two.

  4. I had been wondering just what exactly is was that you were doing that morning. I had decided to just mind my own business. It really wasn’t all that strange to see you growling like a psycho and flashing the hydrangeas. I just thought is was part of your morning ritual.

  5. And you know, that possum went back to it’s other possum folk with a “You guys are *never* gonna believe this…” story. 😉

    You’re a brave, brave woman, darlin. My hero.

  6. I think possums may be near-sighted which may explain his lack of fear. Otherwise I’m sure he would have headed for the hill or at least the hydrangeas.

  7. I had a friend from Arizona once that when seeing a possum for the first time exclaimed that it was the largest rat they had ever seen! Hmmm.

    I think I would trade the renegade animal roaming around my property for a possum. We have a neighboring horse that keeps wandering on to our property. It’s keeping the grass short, but it’s starting to make a mess of things. Maybe I should try flashing it… think that would scare it away?

  8. So THAT’s what I should have done differently when I stepped on the possum in my garage. Dang. I was even wearing my robe that shall not be named.

    (And I totally thought as I was reading this post, “What about that jogging trail right outside your back yard?! I sure hope no one was on it when she pulled this one…”)

  9. That’s why you live somewhere with no neighbors. So your teenaged son can go pooper scoopering on Thanksgiving morning in his Corona boxers and hunting boots.

  10. Thank you so much Antique mommy for a wonderful morning laugh.
    I had an experience walking our dog a couple of weeks ago. It was in the early morning and Max(our dog) saw a cat and almost pulled my arm off. I growled his name – I would like to add that this is what the Dog Whisperer said I should do(our entire family watched every single episode before we adopted Max) and of course at that particular moment our neighbour, a very nice lawyer just happened to be coming out of his front door. Luckily I haven’t bumped into again since then – I so dread seeing the look in his eye while he backs away from me slowly.

    Take care

    Roxanne

  11. That’s awesome. I bet the jogger is STILL telling that story: “And then she started growling! What the hell do you think THAT was about?”

    Meanwhile, bizarrely, here in Boston two mornings ago, in the bright sunlight, right on the sidewalk in front of my house: a possum. Just walking along like he didn’t have a care in the world. That’s the first time I can remember seeing one of those things during the day.

  12. GREAT visual. I’m sure the little guy thought you were nuts..and I’m sure the people jogging by were jealous and were wishing they were still in their robes and fuzzy slippers!!

  13. Hilarious, T! Too bad the possum didn’t sull up: flip over on his back and play dead, from whence we get the term, “play possum”.

    They sometimes open their mouth, bare their teeth and hiss, trying to intimidate pink-robed early risers in leopard print house shoes.

    Would it have worked?

  14. Yes, I do believe a shotgun would have been the perfect accessory to your outfit. And with a few old- fashioned hair curlers, even better. A more classic crazy-lady-in-her-robe statement.

    Your neighbors are never lacking for entertainment, are they? 😉

  15. Thanks for the laugh! Rats are like that too. We had an infestation in an East Village apartment once, and where a mouse will scurry away if you startle it, a rat just looks up at you and eventually might deign to saunter away.

    (We sued the landlady in small claims court. We won a small judgment for food and other things chewed, but more importantly we got her to re-hire the exterminator.)

  16. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying, and my husband wants to know what’s so funny. I just sent him a link. Now I’m waiting for him to start roaring.

  17. One morning about a year ago, I walked out into our garage and discovered a hole chewed into the sheetrock, complete with insulation hanging out. Then I discovered the beedy eyes of a possum staring up at me from inside a flower pot in the corner. When I screamed, he jumped out and ran beneath some low shelves and wouldn’t come out, no matter how much I prodded him with a broom. He finally started hissing at me and I must admit that although I was determined to rid our garage of his unwelcome presence, I was terrified. Then a thought hit me…. the water hose. I drug the hose into the garage and blasted him full force with the power jet nozzle. He waddled, very quickly out of the garage, with me blasting him in the tail-end all the way. I chased him through the yard as far as my hose would go. I’m pretty sure I even yelled, “Take that you stupid possum, and don’t come back!” I’m sure I was quite the commical picture too – Warrior Mom brandishing her water hose.

  18. Posts like that need warning labels!

    Now that I have cleaned the coffee from my monitor … great post! I had to read it to hubby too, he really enjoyed it. Especially the ‘vittles’ comment. But, he says they really aren’t good eating. I do NOT want to know how he knows that!

    Thanks for the laugh this morning,

    Kiy

    P.S. May I ask, aren’t you a bit over layered for a Texas morning? I mean, if you were say, in Michigan or the North Pole, I would have understood all that. But … Texas? 🙂

  19. OMG!!!!
    That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!
    I now have this hilarious image..of you…pinkie and the possum that will be impossible to erase for a long time.
    It may be dormant for a while…but when I least expect it (PTA meetimg, church service, in line at Target) that thought will pop back up and I will lose control again.

  20. Now I know how to spell traipsing…lol. I was standing in my yard with no makeup, in my lovely new blue robe WITH a rifle on my shoulder (protecting my small dogs from two much larger intruders) when the owner of one of the intruders walked up behind me. He laughed and said “you wouldn’t shoot it would you?”
    I didn’t know this man from Adam when I replied, “YES! If they get any closer to me or my dogs I most certainly would.”

  21. I had one playing dead on my porch one night. he continued to play dead rught up until i tried to scoop him up on a piece of cardboard. At that point he screeched loudly and high pitchedly, jumped up and proceeded to waddle slowly across the porch and down the steps. I, on the other hand, screamed like a banchee, leaped into a porch rocker, and just stared at him. The doberman who had started it all was having a wonderful time jumping in and out of the rocher too. The kids across the street came running with a baseball bat to save me, I live in a college town! I’ve yet to live it down!

  22. I find that robe-flashing-growling technique also works extremely well instead of the boring old standby, “Not tonight, honey–I have a headache.” 😉

  23. ROFL….oh my i am wiping tears trying to write this…yes possums have vision issues he probably never saw you tho hearing you growl i am guessing he didnt think you were that powerful an animal. i keep a pellet rifle next to the back door these days and have asked for my very own 22 for Christmas(that way if something happens to it I wont be ruining C’s very expensive one)
    Anyway have chased a few possums off the porch here for some reason they like cat food. I am not having an issue with them this winter so far, but I am thinking that has more to do with the mama bobcat that has taken up residence by our brushpile than any fear of my shooting abilities.
    Steff

  24. Oh my gosh! That was soooo funny! Thanks for the laugh! I wish I read it earlier during the day. Now I won’t be able to go to sleep for laughling so much!

  25. This is the funniest thing you’ve ever posted. I. LOVE. IT. I wish I coulda been there. Thank you for the many laughs!! YOU ROCKED MY THURSDAY MORNING!
    You have such a way with words – I love to visit your blog.

  26. I would have paid good money to see that! GOOD money. (As opposed to bad?)

    It reminds me of a few weeks ago, I glanced into our back yard and saw my husband, who had just had hernia surgery the day before, running across the lawn in his cozy clothes throwing rocks in the direction of our friendly neighborhood racoons. It was such a funny sight, but I had to open the door and holler at him since he wasn’t supposed to be doing that kind of thing, post-surgery. The neighborhood cats go missing from time to time, so he tries to scare the racoons away, but they just stand there, even if you accidentally make contact and hit them with a pebble/rock. So cheeky!

    Maybe I need to urge him to try wearing a bathrobe and growling! It would help if I stopped secretly feeding them cat food! 🙁 I can’t help it, I feel sorry for them and they are so cute! Much cuter than possums.

  27. Oh yes ma’am, that outfit definitely needs a firearm of some sort, and the more rustic the better. Now if you were a FriedOkra family member, you’da sicced [sic] the bluetick hound up on that possum and run to the kitchen to make up a mess of biscuits! MMM-mmmp! Possum an’ biscuits! (OH I’M JUST KIDDIN’.)

  28. did anyone say possum pie?? YUMMY!! (just kidding–I have no idea what it tastes like)

    I agree that if you were going for crazy, you needed just a little more oompfh…..the curlers and shotgun would have been a nice touch…you really need to plan these things out…LOL

    reminds me of the time we were outside late at night and could hear arguing…mind you we live in the COUNTREE…and on a paved road(thank you very much) and when my husband shined his flashlight in their direction, the lady said for him to get his blankn’ light out of her face…yep…we have all kinds of classy neighbors…I wonder if thats the way possoms would talk if they could??

    Something to think about…..

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