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  • The Doctor’s Appointment

    January 24, 2008

    I’m off to see my doc today, so for those of you who are new around here, I thought I’d re-run this post from this time last year.

    * * * * *

    It is the unfortunate state of my being that a doctor’s appointment is a reason to get all gussied up – to shave, to shampoo, to lather, rinse and repeat. To wear nice underwear. I remember when getting gussied up meant cocktails and a good time that didn’t involve a speculum.

    Nonetheless. I gussied for the good doctor and enjoyed a 45-minute Wiggles-free drive across the yonder reaches of the metroplex.

    As I pulled up to the parking garage gate, I rolled down my window to get a ticket. To my left I saw a young man pulling a cart that was precariously laden with canned soft drinks. I held my breath and waited as he slowly lugged and coaxed the top-heavy cart in front of my car. It teetered, it groaned, it rocked. I breathed a sigh of relief when he finally cleared the gate. I impatiently pushed the big green button, the machine made one of those “Aaaaaant! You lose!” sounds and then spit a ticket at me. The gate went up and I grabbed my ticket anxious to get to my appointment on time.

    Just then, soda boy decided that the laws of physics didn’t apply to him. With both hands on the handle, he bent his knees, put his butt into it and jerked the cart in an attempt to hoist the caravan of cokes up and over the curb. The load wavered back and forth in slow motion as though in an earthquake. I knew what was about to happen. I prayed for a different outcome. Then an avalanche of soft drinks tumbled off the cart, onto my car, under my car, into the parking garage and everywhere else. Of course.

    What to do? I looked in my rearview mirror. Backing up was not an option. I already had my ticket and there were several cars behind me. The gate was up, but unless I wanted to run over soda boy, his cart and the mother lode of cola, I wasn’t going anywhere soon. Yet I considered it.

    Had I a lick of sense, I would have just sat in the car and waited. But no. I did not have a lick of sense. Or a slurp or even a taste. I got my gussied up self out of the car and started hunting cans of soda like they were Easter eggs. And then in some spiteful combination of bad karma and physics, some of the cans started exploding.

    Later that same day.

    As I was sitting on the table in the doctor’s office wearing a paper gown and scraping dried Dr. Pepper off my ankles with my fingernail, I tried to explain to the nurse why my legs were sticky. She closed her eyes and held up one hand in the universal gesture that means “Shut. Up. Now.” She really didn’t want to know. “No need to explain,” she said. “We’ve seen it all.”

    I wanted to explain. I needed to tell her that I don’t normally go out with sticky legs.

    “But – but – but I gussied,” I stammered, “I showered! I shaved! I wore nice underwear!”

    “I’m sure you did. The doctor will be with you shortly.” And with that she left the room.

    Unless he’s serving cocktails next year, I’m not going to bother to gussy. I’ll just spritz a little Dr. Pepper on my legs and be done with it.

    19 Comments »

    1. Beth_C says:

      Hope things go well with the doctor and have you seen the new flavor of Dr. Pepper? It’s Chocolate Cherry Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m sure that would be lovely spritzed on the legs!

      January 24th, 2008 at 7:22 am

    2. Heidi says:

      Hope this year goes better!

      January 24th, 2008 at 8:27 am

    3. Llama momma says:

      One of my girlfriends is an anesthesiologist. During her OB/GYN residency, she told me that while everyone pays immaculate attention to cleanliness “down there” before going for a pap smear, so many people had stinky feet. That was her only complaint. Stinky feet.

      So I always make sure to fancy up my feet before I go.

      Of course, you don’t have too good a luck with fancy…

      January 24th, 2008 at 8:47 am

    4. Cindy says:

      I was just reading your comment at another site about transitioning your blog to a scrapbook. Any chance you can post about that? I just started a blog and thought it would be a great way to do a scrapbook of sorts but hadn’t figured out how it could be done and then lo and behold you were talking about it over at Blogging Basics. You didn’t mention what co. you were working with though.
      thanks
      cindy

      January 24th, 2008 at 9:53 am

    5. Antique Mommy says:

      Cindy, It’s Blurb.com How to do it is all there on their site.

      January 24th, 2008 at 10:02 am

    6. gretchen from lifenut says:

      I’ve heard the same thing, Llama momma. It’s stinky feet that kills doctors, not the downtown neighborhood. No Payless BOGO shoes when I go to check-up, however cute they may be.

      Good luck at the ordeal.

      January 24th, 2008 at 10:03 am

    7. amy says:

      I’m laughing OUT LOUD! My last “paper dress” visit included my 2yr old sitting in the corner (lack of sitter = trauma for life) saying things like, “What doin’ Mommy?”, “Do you gotta POOP?” I don’t know why, but that’s what she said. Have fun today ;O).

      January 24th, 2008 at 11:47 am

    8. Julie says:

      Lord have mercy, woman, do all of these things really happen to you? I lead a very dull life.

      January 24th, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    9. Antique Mommy says:

      Julie, An inordinate amount of ridiculous things do seem to happen to me. ButI figured they happened to everyone, but no one else was dumb enough to report them to the internets.

      January 24th, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    10. Andrea says:

      So, did you gussy up this year?

      January 24th, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    11. Mrs. Who says:

      Oh, I always gussy up for those visits too. I hate when I have to go later in the day and can’t shower right before I go. I never thought about my feet. Now I’m wondering if I had stinky feet. Thanks a lot, commenters!!!!

      January 24th, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    12. suzanne says:

      What could be more fun than a day at the doctor? However, I must say, you picked a fine time to go visit, seeings how it’s so cold today. YOu’ll freeze under that paper dress, but you won’t be hot, sticky and sweatin!! He ought to like that!

      January 24th, 2008 at 3:13 pm

    13. Jake's a Girl says:

      LOL! AM ~ You are too funny! I love coming here.

      Don’t worry about the nice undies…He never see’s them anyway. 🙁 😉

      I always take along a pair of socks if I don’t wear socks. I once ask the doctor…Can I at least leave on my socks? He picks up one of my feet out of the stir-ups, checks it over and says, Sure, next year you can leave on your socks but the next I’ll need to check them again. Or at least when you turn 50. Then he burst out laughing. Tis a good thing he’d been my OB/GYN for 25-years at the time. Geesh!

      January 24th, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    14. happy Mommy says:

      Once upon a time a grown daughter offered to take her mother to the OBGYN…
      The mother being in her early 60’s knew the importance of getting ones self all cleaned up for such an event, she spent several minutes in her daughters bathroom washing up and ended with a little feminine spray if you know what I mean the powder scented kind.
      At the appointment the mother slipped out of her clothes and into a paper gown. The male Doctor entered and upon examination EXCLAIMED Oh my no one has ever went to this much trouble for me before….
      The Mother came out of the exam room red faced and very quite, her daughter said mom what’s wrong, with a shaky voice the mother said I have never been so embarrassed in all my life, Why mom the daughter asks, the mother tells her of how she had sprayed some feminine powder scented spray on before the appointment and of the comments the Doctor had made and the Daughter then has to tell her Mother that she did not have any feminine spray but she did have some powder scented sparkle hairspray….

      I heard that joke a few years ago and I thought with your post today you might get a laugh at it…
      Happy Mommy

      January 24th, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    15. Girlymom says:

      What are the chances? Things like that always happen when there is nobody to witness, everyone to embarrass or you are actually on time and now late! Wonder if that could be some kind of new spa treatment!! Hmmm

      January 24th, 2008 at 4:25 pm

    16. Lysa TerKeurst says:

      Too funny! I’m dreading the paper dress day this year. Maybe I’ll bring a Dr. Pepper along just in case I need a little spritzing too~
      Smiles!

      January 24th, 2008 at 10:58 pm

    17. JCK says:

      O.K., this was flat-out LMAO. And I cried for you,too. This would SO happen to me.

      January 25th, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    18. MandyMae says:

      Priceless!

      January 27th, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    19. anna says:

      This is probably the funniest thing I have ever heard!

      February 6th, 2008 at 3:47 pm

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