Reruns and Leftovers, Tuna

More Millie

Your last helping of Tuna for the week.  Have a great weekend y’all!

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Millie Conway

In our family, we celebrate Easter and our risen Lord as we do any other holy day – by racing home from church and eating entirely too much. And then complaining about how full we are as we waddle off to check out the dessert table.

And after all that eating, nothing much else can be done except to sit around the table and talk trash before going back for another piece of pie. When my mother-in-law Cleo and her siblings get together, talk inevitably turns to Millie Conway. After 70 or more years, it’s still Millie Conway. If you have ever wondered how long one can harbor sour feelings, it’s at least 70 years.

In case you are wondering, Millie Conway was a girl that Cleo and her older sisters grew up with. As legend has it, Millie had the good fortune of being an only child and consequently was afforded a few luxuries – new clothes, an occasional Coke or a bologna sandwich all to herself. In Cleo’s family there were seven children and no such luxuries. If Cleo were to have to choose a last meal, I can tell you right now it would be a sandwich of thick cut bologna with real mayo and a Coke. The contentious feelings towards Millie wasn’t borne out of the fact that she had so much and that Cleo and her sisters had so little, but that Millie was the original Nellie Oleson.

After a round table rehashing of Millie’s many acts of evil against the sisters, each one reported as though it had never been told before, one of the siblings will say of their oldest sister, “You know, Fanny always wanted to hit Millie but mama wouldn’t let her,” and then almost piously, “Mama never let us hit anybody or anything like that.”

And then someone will say, “Poor Fanny went to her grave wanting to hit Millie and never got the chance.” And then we all hang our heads in a moment of silence for Aunt Fanny and her unrequited and unopened can of whoop ass.

“Whatever happened to Millie Conway anyway?” someone asked.

“Oh she died some years back,” Cleo says.

Everyone paused to consider this.

Then Antique Daddy adds triumphantly, “Well, I bet the first thing Aunt Fanny did when she got to heaven was kick Millie Conway’s butt.”

And if there is any image that will convey the true meaning of Easter, it’s two old ladies in a throw down at the Pearly Gates.

Originally published April 2007.

13 thoughts on “More Millie

  1. Sooo..there in my room at the She Speaks conference, pretending that the cheese stick and apple from my carry on was lunch. Looking for my lip gloss in my big black bag, I pulled out your card from our shuttle ride together. I LOVE lunchtime reading so here Iam.
    You go girl!! I clicked right on ‘How did this happen?’ and was literally laughing out loud. I am an antiqueish momma myself ‘cept I had one early and adopted one late so i’m teaching one to read and riding middle school roller coaster w/ the other.
    Hope to see you more this weekend- you BLESSED me!!!

  2. My mom grew up poor (so poor that they lived in an abandoned street car during the depression), and she has a peculiar fondness for bologna sandwiches, too. Interesting…

  3. Just letting you know 🙂 … I’ve given you a ‘You make my Day’ award on my blog. I’m a regular reader, but I’m of the ‘sneak in and read, then sneak out again’ variety of reader! Thanks for the inspiring posts! 🙂

  4. Oh, the power of a strong last line–you nailed it here! Love that.

    Just popped over to say I’m thankful for the divine twist of fate that brought us together last night; it was a treat spending time with the SheSpeaks vigilantes…I do like me some rebels ;).

  5. “And then we all hang our heads in a moment of silence for Aunt Fanny and her unrequited and unopened can of whoop-ass.”

    One of your best (comedic) lines EVER.

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