Sometimes Tart, Southern Living

Alzheimers and Home Improvement Found To Be Closely Related

Last week, as you may recall, I embarked on a home improvement project. I decided it was time to re-do my guest room and bath.  By my estimate, I’m about half way through.

The thing is, home improvement projects always take a little more time and money than you delude yourself into believing going into it.  I’ve done fairly well on the money budget because I can turn a sow’s ear into a Dupioni silk pillow. I can flat out design on a dime.  But the time budget? Not so much.

So far I have removed the wallpaper from the bathroom and I have painted the guest bedroom walls and ceilings.  I still have to texture the bathroom walls, then prime the bathroom walls, then paint the bathroom walls and then probably glaze the bathroom walls at which point I will wonder what in the heck was wrong with the wallpaper in the first place and then I will  possibly punch myself in the face.

Here’s the breakdown of how much time I’ve spent on this project so far:

Moving furniture out of guest room:  1 hour

Dislodging mattress from stair case:  45 minutes

Removing switch plates: 30 minutes

Wandering around trying to remember where I set down the screw driver: 1 hour

Combing the carpet for the teeny tiny switch plate screws that I dropped:  1 hour

Removing wallpaper:  6 hours

Wandering around trying to remember where I set down the scraper:  2 hours

Painting:  6 hours

Wandering around trying to remember where I set down the paint brush/paint can opener/stir stick/drop cloth:  2 hours

Wiping paint off the bottom of my foot:  45 minutes

Wandering around looking for my glasses which were on my head: 2 hours

Wandering around trying to remember where I set down my iced tea:  2 hours

Wandering around looking for the cordless phone:  45 minutes

Have you ever noticed they never show Bob Villa wandering aimlessly around the set wondering where he set down his screwdriver? Of course they don’t, it’s a one hour show.

30 thoughts on “Alzheimers and Home Improvement Found To Be Closely Related

  1. I am laughing so hard!!!
    I spend so much time on about any project trying to remember where I put down something I just had in my hand a few minutes ago…

  2. I literally spend my life looking for lost items…I would like to say that most of the things I search for belong to my children, but I can not…I am the QUEEN of losing things and my husband follows behind me saying, “if you put it where it belongs in the first place…blah, blah, blah.” (It is easy to be smug when you are right…but, not helpful!)
    Meg
    Milford,CT

  3. Hey there, I just came across your blog and LOVE it! You are so funny! I am pretty new to this blog thing. I started one 2 months ago because we moved from Florida to Tennessee. I have loved reading other women’s blogs and getting to know new people. I was going to put a list of the ” Blogs I Love” on my blog and would love to add yours if that’s ok? Let me know! 🙂 Thanks so much! Jen

  4. My mother has early-onset Alzheimer’s. She wouldn’t even attempt to tackle such a project, and if she did, she wouldn’t have done nearly as well as you did. I do appreciate the humor of the post, but the title stung a little. (Probably a bit hormonally over-sensitive of me, I know. Sorry.)

    * * * *
    I’m sorry you found this post offensive and were unable to take it in the light-hearted manner in which it was intended. I lost an uncle to Alzheimers and it was indeed painful, although at times quite funny too, like the time after his colonoscopy he turned to the doctor and said, “Thank you sir. Enjoyed it!” ~ Antique Mommy

  5. I spend a lot of time looking for my keys. Our two-year-old now offers his help. “Mmmm….in you bag, Mama?” That’s pretty sad when a toddler knows to look in the most obvious place.

    I loved this post. I’m still giggling from the one about standing in front of the not-so-automatic doors! I feel your pain and, sadly, have felt it more than once.

  6. You have a way of always perfectly “hitting the nail on the head” (sorry for the home improvement sort of ananlogy – I couldn’t think of anything else). I spend more time aimlessly wandering these days than I would ever admit to anyone. They would scoop me up and haul me off to the nearest nursing home!

  7. I did the “venetian plaster” thing in my kitchen because the wallpaper was faded in a few areas and flipping up on the corners a bit. It was about 8 years old. It took me about 2 years and I still have to get the crown moulding up.

    I should have just put the kid’s artwork over the bad places.

    I really don’t want to have anything to do with walls of any kind ever again.

  8. I’m on my second coat of paint in the same process! My fingernails are yellow and by tomorrow they’ll be blue! I always wondered how Candace Olsen did her makeovers in high heels!

  9. I have to admit that when we bought our house, I brought people in to scrape the wallpaper in our kitchen, paint the entire house, and fix the popcorn ceiling in our bonus room. Good for you for doing it yourself!

    Removing wallpaper is always a good idea, especially since if it’s older. It’s better for your home’s resale value. It’s also better for health. We had an air quality inspection before we bought our house (our daughter has lung scarring) and the technician told me that mold likes to grow in wallpaper glue.

  10. Those home improvement shows are all about editing. I’m positive the stop the cameras and hunt for Bob Villa’s glasses ALL the time! 🙂

  11. I’m cracking up…I do that too, but I’m only 27. What on earth will I be like when I’m antique too? (No offense, of course. You are very looked-up to in my world. Which is extensive.)

    Ahem.

    Anyway…

  12. The side-note story of your uncle’s colonoscopy should have led the way. THAT is hilarious! I never knew my husband’s grandfather — he was alive, but too far into Alzheimer’s to be ‘him’ by the time I came along. Yes, it was heartbreaking, but there were some very funny moments, too. Laugh, cry, or both. Sorry to drift from your home-improvement project that I wouldn’t dream of trying to tackle, either. But the wandering — that’s how I spend my day.

  13. Even with little projects like wrapping gifts, the tape and scissors are constantly disappearing and messing with me, man!

    I recently read an article that was about refinishing your floor in one day and still have the rest of the weekend to yourselves! Step one) take all the furniture out of the room.

    At which point I started laughing, because that step alone would take us at LEAST one full day. 😀

  14. This is my life every day!
    I start and stop right in the middle of things to do something I just remembered, so I won’t forget it, then I try to go back to what I was doing, only I can’t remember what I was doing so I start something else. THEN, I remember what I was originally doing, so I go back to that, but am torn between that original task and the new thing I started. UGH! This is my whole day!

  15. this is why i don’t like home improvement projects. it reminds me what an airhead i am. except that i spend more like 6 hours looking for stuff, can’t find it, end up going out to buy something else, then give up on the actual painting part of it.

    * * * * *
    What I do is spend two hours looking for “it”, give up, get in the car and drive to Lowe’s, buy two of “it” so I’ll have “it” on hand for next time, get home and find six “its” from when I stocked up the last time I couldn’t find “it”. Which is why I have six bottles of ketchup in my pantry. ~ Antique Mommy

  16. Bob Vila has a s.t.a.f.f. And though you have a wonderful 4 year old helper, I don’t think that qualifies as staff. 🙂 Meanwhile, I better get back to what I was supposed to be doing…whatever that was…

  17. Somebody already said this, I think, but…I’m sure they just edit out the parts where Bob Vila says, “where did I put that $*^(ing screwdriver?!?!”

    Heck, I do this now and I’m a)24, and b)not working on a home improvement project. I’m hopeless.

  18. I’m also a wanderer! I’ll add a tripper. I trip over everything i’ve left in the way when working on a project. Even if I move things to one side of the room I will eventually trip over them when working on that side of the room. I will then move the stuff to another location. Never ending. Bob Vila isn’t a tripper either. No fair.

    You make me laugh so. Thanks.

  19. I could totally relate to this post. When I painted the kitchen, I spent more time trying to find things than painting! I look at it as working on my brain power as well as my muscles. (I obviously need more brain work.)

  20. I’m a painting/decorating junkie, and HGTV is my drug of choice. Ya know why Bob Vila doesn’t lose his screwdriver or iced tea? Cuz he has a staff behind the scenes tying up HIS lose ends. Sheesh. I’m sure your project will be gorgeous, and we’ll need pictures!

  21. I was also going to mention the s.t.a.f.f. That staff also happens to have many, many multiples of whatever Bob is using for just such issues. I’ll bet there’s even a girl hired JUST to keep track of the screwdrivers. Seriously. I know this is true because in my former life (before kids) I was the person in charge of all those tool toting girls as the Communications Manager for Semiconductor Companies on a tradeshow floor.
    I also know that, because Bob can’t be all that smart; his name is Bob! B.O.B. I’m thinking that was all he could deal with spelling-wise. I’m just saying…

  22. You’re doing good if your half way done after only a week. My daughter and son-in-law started remodeling the house they are living in shortly after their son was born, and he just turned 9 – still working on the remodeling. Talk about brain numbing. I’d go berserk! Sounds like you’re on the right track.

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