The following statistics are based on my own personal scientific research over a period of four decades.
If you are wearing a black shirt and you attempt to put on deodorant, there is a 97% chance you will get the deodorant on the bottom of your shirt. If you attempt to put on deodorant while wearing a black shirt and a blindfold, the odds of getting deodorant on your shirt increase to 97.2% If you have no other clean shirts to wear and you are rushing out the door to give a speech, the odds increase exponentially.
If you are drinking coffee while wearing a white shirt, there is 98% chance you will get coffee on the front. There is a 98.5% chance the spot will be right on your boob. If the shirt is dry-clean only the odds increase to 100%.
If you are putting on earrings and the drain in the sink is not plugged, the chances that you will drop an earring into the sink are 89.9%. The odds that it will disappear down the drain are 99.9% If it is cheap costume jewelry, the odds decrease slightly. Unless you really like the earrings, then the like factor cancels out the cheap factor and you are back at 99.9% give or take.
If you drive away from the drive-through lane without checking the bag, the odds that something was left out are 93.7%
If you have a dog and an ink pen and a light colored expensive rug, the odds that the three will at some point intersect are 94%. Ironically, these are the same odds that you could own a dog with a tattoo on her tongue. The odds that a dog would chew up an ink pen on a Walmart rug? Zip.
If you have a child and an ink pen and textiles of any kind any where in your home, the odds that the three will intersect in an unpleasant manner are calculated using square roots and other complicated mathematical formula — let’s just say very high.
The odds of choosing the one restroom stall out of eleven that is out of toilet paper are around 87%.
If you have your hands full of groceries and manage to open the door with your foot, the odds that one of the grocery bags will catch on the handle of the door as you walk past thereby jerking you off your feet and spilling all your groceries are 92%. Ironically these are the same odds that you will catch the pocket of your best slacks on door knobs that reach out and grab things.
The odds of dropping your cell phone into the 1/8 inch space between your seat and the console of your car (you know, that space that is too small for your hand) are 82%. The odds that it will lodge under your seat and you will have to stop the car and push the seat all the way back to retrieve it are 99%. The odds that your husband will call you while the phone is under the car seat is 99.7%. The same odds apply to car keys. Any necessary item of any size will magically be able to pass through the narrow space between the car seat and the console. This space is known to have the same vacuum-like physical properties of a black hole. French fries with ketchup on the other hand are more likely to land on your white pants than into your car’s black hole.
If you are up on a ladder in the attic with a box of heirloom ornaments in your hands and you hear the phone ring and you break your neck and possibly some heirloom ornaments to answer it, the odds that it will be a computer call or a telemarketer are 93%. However, if you choose not to answer it, the odds are 100% that it will be your doctor calling about that suspicious mole. And he will be out of town for the next two weeks.
Feel free to report the findings of your own studies.
UPDATE: The day you plan to take a family Christmas picture, there is a 94% chance your child will fall and get a big bruise on his face. Seriously.