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  • The Resume

    January 27, 2009

    I like words and toying with words and the arrangement of words.  So the other day, a friend of mine who knows I like words, asked me to help him polish his resume.

    I always find resume writing to be a challenge because there is a fine line between detailing the many fabulous things you can do and how astonishing well you can do them and how the world has benefited from your existence — and coming off like a desperate, yet pompous delusional braggart.

    I guess that is to say that on paper, humility is hard to pull off.

    I started thinking about my own resume. I haven’t worked for anyone other than myself since 1987. If I had to write my own resume today,  what would I put on it?

    I am a super duper butt wiper.

    I have been actively engaged in end user maintenance for five years.

    I go to the grocery store every day.

    As logistics manager, I oversee materials procurement and distribution.

    I color with markers. A lot.

    I am responsible for creative design.

    Today I called the phone company about weird charges on the phone bill.

    I lead a strategic technology management engagement with one of the largest cell phone service providers.

    I call the GE guy when the washer breaks.

    I oversee physical plant management to ensure uninterrupted client service.

    I hand out gummy bears.

    I manage the employee incentive program.

    I spend a lot of time on Twitter.

    I consult with other organizations on various management issues.

    I have a blog.

    I founded a publishing and communications empire.

    I’m a mom.

    I oversee human resources, including disciplinary action, budget, special requests, scheduling, maintenance and logistics.

    I’m a mom. I can do anything. And if not, I can improvise.

    75 Comments »

    1. CarolinaMama says:

      This is great! so fun – got me laughing first thing this morning. Cute!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:00 am

    2. Luke Holzmann says:

      Good stuff [smile].

      ~Luke

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:04 am

    3. MamaJo says:

      LOVE it!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:11 am

    4. Lisa B @ simply His says:

      This is so awesome 🙂 Thanks for the smile. I needed it this morning! I went a little overboard in getting Doodle ready for school. I’m pretty sure she was scared by the time we got to school. Maybe she’ll start to like it there. All I asked for were 3 bites of egg for breakfast. You’d think I’d done something more tragic.

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:14 am

    5. 3limes says:

      Excellent! What a great domestic engineer you are, and so much more!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:25 am

    6. Theresa says:

      And there is no company on earth that could pay you what you are worth for all that you do! Fun post!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:32 am

    7. Rose says:

      This was hysterical! What a great post.

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:35 am

    8. Donna W says:

      I certainly hope all my readers come over and check this out.

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:38 am

    9. Gini says:

      Boy did I ever need that this morning. My 15 year old daughter woke up with her right leg dislocated from the socket (second time in two weeks). Thankfully after some pain medication and a warm tub she was able to pop it back in. The last time it happened we ended up in the ER. You should have included something on your resume about nursing care! You have an amazing way with words. Thank you for sharing with us.

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:39 am

    10. suburbancorrespondent says:

      Now that you put it that way, I’m wondering why my pay is so lousy.

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:41 am

    11. jean says:

      Isn’t it amazing what our job entails? And we do it all for a smile and hug.

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:44 am

    12. Kay says:

      So cute.. and yet soooo true!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:44 am

    13. Just Mom says:

      “End user maintenance.” LOL. LOVE IT!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:45 am

    14. mrdfuddie says:

      You are a true mom thru and thru…The joy of parenting,grandparenting,great- grandparenting,is one of greatest gifts God has given us. This is evident in your blog and I love reading it daily. Thanks for being you! I see you also appreciate this great gift from our almighty Lord!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:53 am

    15. Linds says:

      Brilliant. Perfect!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:53 am

    16. Linda says:

      Awesome! Love the “creative design” and the “employee incentive program”!!

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:02 am

    17. Nette says:

      I’ll be contacting you when my desire to return to the work force spurs the need for an updated resume.

      But, don’t hold your breath.
      Big important word in previous sentence: desire.

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:10 am

    18. Beverlydru says:

      I love this post!! A Super Duper position, isn’t it?

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:13 am

    19. Sarah at themommylogues says:

      I would hire you.

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:25 am

    20. Lisa/CW2sMom says:

      Love this and all of it’s sooooo true! Imagine what most of us can really do in the “real” world! Keep up the excellent work! Blessings, Lisa

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:26 am

    21. zoom says:

      This made me smile.

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:30 am

    22. rrmama says:

      Love it! It reminds me of an email I got long ago about a mother who applied for her drivers license renewal and the clerk asked her what her job was and she replied very similar to yours.

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:37 am

    23. Shoe says:

      Resume writting today is so different with the older work force looking for jobs. You are encouraged NOT to put the years or the number of years you worked at something but rather a bullet about you did it.
      40 even 30 and over beware. Employers don’t want to pay for your experience. The wet behind the ears will work for less than peanuts and they are embarressed to offer that to you.
      I loved yours though not bad with the lined out there.
      Did you know you can get a degree from Governors University for doing those things? Really. You get a counslor and then pull your life apart.

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:38 am

    24. Tracy says:

      I am definitely going to steal “end user maintenance”. And “materials procurement and distribution” – too funny and true!

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:47 am

    25. Melissa says:

      SOOOO funny! When I set up my facebook account recently, I listed my “occupation” as a “human development manager,” and, for a friend I haven’t seen since high school, I itemized (like you) my top responsibilities. Funny, funny….I think it took him a while to realize what I was really saying (as he is not married and has no children), but I thought I was cute!

      Thanks for the smile today!

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:58 am

    26. Traci Best says:

      Oh..that is SO GOOD! LOL! I’m linking this article to my old resume document…just in case I ever need it!!!

      Trace

      January 27th, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    27. Meg @ Spicy Magnolia says:

      I love it! I’m bookmarking this post in case I ever need to update my resume! 🙂 Thanks for the chuckle today.

      January 27th, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    28. Jenny says:

      This is great! You really do have a way with words!!

      January 27th, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    29. mom.huebert says:

      This is a great!

      January 27th, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    30. Janna says:

      Fabulous post! I may have to use the “end user” one.

      January 27th, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    31. Krista says:

      Wow, that’s an amazing way with words… would you like to work on my resume??? 😉

      January 27th, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    32. shayne says:

      Classic!!!

      January 27th, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    33. WeaselMomma says:

      I love it!

      January 27th, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    34. Minnesotamom says:

      Nothing like embellishing the truth a bit, eh? 🙂

      January 27th, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    35. Staci says:

      Fantabulous! I am always looking for ways to reword things to update Keith resume or one of the older kids. I love taking the mundane and underrated tasks that I do at home and make them sound better (although still accurate) then I think they may be. The Tragedy of today’s workforce is that it is up to you to provide your own letter of recommendation because rarely will any one else say what a great and hard worker you are.

      The best advice my former employer every gave me is that I needed to learn how to toot my own horn because she didn’t have the the time or availability to do it for me.

      GO AM!

      January 27th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    36. Ora says:

      You certainly have a way with “word interpetation?” LOL..and it was good!! Enjoyed this so much…Donna sent me over…and glad I dropped by…you are a treasure…God Bless….hugs..Ora in KY

      January 27th, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    37. Elaine says:

      None of these are too much of a stretch! ; ) You certainly do have a way with words!

      January 27th, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    38. Lori says:

      Love it! If I ever have to go back to work, may I borrow your resume? I think it describes a lot of us.

      January 27th, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    39. Janis says:

      Sorry, ma’am you are over qualified for the advertised position…we are not hiring saints,or moms at the moment.

      January 27th, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    40. Jenn @ Casa de Castro says:

      LOVE it! The last batch of resumes I received had some “skillz” listed that I know were simply fancy ways of saying, “It was really ME who created the Internet, not Al Gore.” I read one and said out loud, “embellish much?”

      You’re clever, AM!

      January 27th, 2009 at 3:37 pm

    41. Sue says:

      Loved it, loved it.

      January 27th, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    42. Jessica says:

      So clever, as always! I’d hire you in a heartbeat, AM. 🙂

      January 27th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    43. Heide says:

      You rock. “End user maintenance!” Still chuckling.

      January 27th, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    44. JanMary, N Ireland says:

      Love it 🙂

      I stumbled it.

      January 27th, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    45. Karen {simply a musing blog} says:

      Not only do you enjoy using words, but you’re just dern good at it too! This is priceless! 🙂

      January 27th, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    46. tom says:

      I *love* “end user maintenance.” I will have to weave that into my prattle this week, as I get to deal with that quite a bit myself. I cannot stop snickering.

      Excellent resume!

      January 27th, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    47. Amanda says:

      Priceless! Well done, you have been promoted to “A” grade Mummy! You are CEO of the Institution of Real Life…

      love it!

      January 27th, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    48. cyn says:

      Superb resume indeed. So well written! 🙂

      January 27th, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    49. Lindie says:

      It’s called puffery in my business and you do it well!

      January 27th, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    50. Nan says:

      You are such a genius! Thanks for the giggles!

      January 27th, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    51. Jim says:

      So funny……whatta knock out!!
      Old saying:
      “If you can’t baffle em’ with brilliance,
      Dazzle em’ with Bull S…” !!

      January 27th, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    52. Faerylandmom says:

      My husband wants to know if you’ll write his resume for him, since he needs a job within the next 5 weeks. 🙂

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:45 pm

    53. everydayMOM says:

      Too funny… and you DO have a way with words! Thanks for the laugh.

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    54. kris says:

      I just made a new resume and there is nothing I can list under experience since 2001. (But I have had a lot of experience since then!)

      How I wish I could use your perfect descriptions and get some credit for my 24/7 “job”!

      January 27th, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    55. Roxanne says:

      That’s just plain awesome. You’re hired.

      January 28th, 2009 at 1:03 am

    56. Paula says:

      Handing out gummy bears is important. Like your blog. Came here by way of Mosie (Donna)

      January 28th, 2009 at 2:36 am

    57. kiy says:

      Okay, I laughed and laughed. But this one got me to have to wash off the monitor (it needed it anyway) … I manage the employee incentive program. Oh gosh, I am so going to be using that one!

      Thanks, needed the laugh tonight.

      January 28th, 2009 at 3:14 am

    58. Teri from Indiana says:

      Love it. It made me smile and trust me, I needed it this morning. I hired a sitter last night for the two terrorists and Babycakes. If the sitter wasn’t one of my older girls, I’m pretty sure I would have fired her & called her mother to tell her what a flake her kid is. Instead I paid her, sent her home & complained to her Daddy about what a flake she is. lol

      January 28th, 2009 at 7:40 am

    59. Margie says:

      My, you do have a way with words. Love it.

      January 28th, 2009 at 9:38 am

    60. Megan (FriedOkra) says:

      Ha ha ha! I was hopin’ I’d see you incorporate “lasagnate” in there! What a fantastic roster of abilities you’ve got at your command, ma’am. I’d hire you on the spot for sure. ‘Course the pay stinks, but I’m guessing a woman of your talents’d be able to find a work-around for that.

      January 28th, 2009 at 10:27 am

    61. Brigitte says:

      Heh, you’re writing my resume next time I go out to face the “real” world!

      January 28th, 2009 at 10:28 am

    62. Deanna says:

      Looks better than my real resume! lol Great post!

      January 28th, 2009 at 11:20 am

    63. TheChickadeefeeder says:

      You are SOOOO good!!

      January 28th, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    64. Jamie says:

      Brilliant. And funny. (That should go on your resume too — as is.)

      January 28th, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    65. Grace says:

      I’m with Jamie. This should indeed go on your resume. Very funny. Very clever. And very true.

      January 28th, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    66. Lisa Beth W. says:

      So clever and soooooo funny! I’d hire ya. 🙂

      January 28th, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    67. Iota says:

      Fantastic! Love it.

      January 28th, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    68. Wendy says:

      This is great and so very true… Very funny stuff!

      January 28th, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    69. Jean Stockdale says:

      Indeed you are! Great post. Blessings.

      January 28th, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    70. LORI says:

      SO, SO FUNNY! AND DON’T FORGET “INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION CONSULTANT” (PLAY DATE HOSTESS). YOUR RESUME SOUNDS BETTER THAN ANY CEO I KNOW! THANKS FOR THE LAUGH!

      January 29th, 2009 at 2:31 am

    71. Beck says:

      This is so very funny! I need to work in a way to mention that I break up fights 59 times a day and that I’m constantly picking up puzzles.

      ***
      fights: I specialize in conflict resolution and oversee arbitration.
      puzzles: I am the OSHA compliance officer.

      January 29th, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    72. As Smooth as Crunchy Peanut Butter. « The Faery Inn says:

      […] The Resume ~ Antique Mommy […]

      January 30th, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    73. Shalee says:

      Seriously, on my last job interview, I was asked how I would manage all the various details and tasks that this job would entail. I looked the man in the eye and said, “I’m a mom. I know how to multitask.”

      I was offered the job about 5 minutes later.

      Being a mom is definitely a credit on my resume.

      January 31st, 2009 at 9:18 am

    74. Katy says:

      I need to update my resume! Motherhood is finally adequately described for the work and professionalism that it is. Thank you!

      January 31st, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    75. whatsinaname says:

      ROFL!
      Simply marvellous. Goes to prove how wrapper matters more than the gift lol!

      February 3rd, 2009 at 5:14 am

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