Silliness

The Resume

I like words and toying with words and the arrangement of words.  So the other day, a friend of mine who knows I like words, asked me to help him polish his resume.

I always find resume writing to be a challenge because there is a fine line between detailing the many fabulous things you can do and how astonishing well you can do them and how the world has benefited from your existence — and coming off like a desperate, yet pompous delusional braggart.

I guess that is to say that on paper, humility is hard to pull off.

I started thinking about my own resume. I haven’t worked for anyone other than myself since 1987. If I had to write my own resume today,  what would I put on it?

I am a super duper butt wiper.

I have been actively engaged in end user maintenance for five years.

I go to the grocery store every day.

As logistics manager, I oversee materials procurement and distribution.

I color with markers. A lot.

I am responsible for creative design.

Today I called the phone company about weird charges on the phone bill.

I lead a strategic technology management engagement with one of the largest cell phone service providers.

I call the GE guy when the washer breaks.

I oversee physical plant management to ensure uninterrupted client service.

I hand out gummy bears.

I manage the employee incentive program.

I spend a lot of time on Twitter.

I consult with other organizations on various management issues.

I have a blog.

I founded a publishing and communications empire.

I’m a mom.

I oversee human resources, including disciplinary action, budget, special requests, scheduling, maintenance and logistics.

I’m a mom. I can do anything. And if not, I can improvise.

75 thoughts on “The Resume

  1. This is so awesome 🙂 Thanks for the smile. I needed it this morning! I went a little overboard in getting Doodle ready for school. I’m pretty sure she was scared by the time we got to school. Maybe she’ll start to like it there. All I asked for were 3 bites of egg for breakfast. You’d think I’d done something more tragic.

  2. Boy did I ever need that this morning. My 15 year old daughter woke up with her right leg dislocated from the socket (second time in two weeks). Thankfully after some pain medication and a warm tub she was able to pop it back in. The last time it happened we ended up in the ER. You should have included something on your resume about nursing care! You have an amazing way with words. Thank you for sharing with us.

  3. You are a true mom thru and thru…The joy of parenting,grandparenting,great- grandparenting,is one of greatest gifts God has given us. This is evident in your blog and I love reading it daily. Thanks for being you! I see you also appreciate this great gift from our almighty Lord!

  4. I’ll be contacting you when my desire to return to the work force spurs the need for an updated resume.

    But, don’t hold your breath.
    Big important word in previous sentence: desire.

  5. Love this and all of it’s sooooo true! Imagine what most of us can really do in the “real” world! Keep up the excellent work! Blessings, Lisa

  6. Love it! It reminds me of an email I got long ago about a mother who applied for her drivers license renewal and the clerk asked her what her job was and she replied very similar to yours.

  7. Resume writting today is so different with the older work force looking for jobs. You are encouraged NOT to put the years or the number of years you worked at something but rather a bullet about you did it.
    40 even 30 and over beware. Employers don’t want to pay for your experience. The wet behind the ears will work for less than peanuts and they are embarressed to offer that to you.
    I loved yours though not bad with the lined out there.
    Did you know you can get a degree from Governors University for doing those things? Really. You get a counslor and then pull your life apart.

  8. SOOOO funny! When I set up my facebook account recently, I listed my “occupation” as a “human development manager,” and, for a friend I haven’t seen since high school, I itemized (like you) my top responsibilities. Funny, funny….I think it took him a while to realize what I was really saying (as he is not married and has no children), but I thought I was cute!

    Thanks for the smile today!

  9. Fantabulous! I am always looking for ways to reword things to update Keith resume or one of the older kids. I love taking the mundane and underrated tasks that I do at home and make them sound better (although still accurate) then I think they may be. The Tragedy of today’s workforce is that it is up to you to provide your own letter of recommendation because rarely will any one else say what a great and hard worker you are.

    The best advice my former employer every gave me is that I needed to learn how to toot my own horn because she didn’t have the the time or availability to do it for me.

    GO AM!

  10. You certainly have a way with “word interpetation?” LOL..and it was good!! Enjoyed this so much…Donna sent me over…and glad I dropped by…you are a treasure…God Bless….hugs..Ora in KY

  11. Sorry, ma’am you are over qualified for the advertised position…we are not hiring saints,or moms at the moment.

  12. LOVE it! The last batch of resumes I received had some “skillz” listed that I know were simply fancy ways of saying, “It was really ME who created the Internet, not Al Gore.” I read one and said out loud, “embellish much?”

    You’re clever, AM!

  13. I *love* “end user maintenance.” I will have to weave that into my prattle this week, as I get to deal with that quite a bit myself. I cannot stop snickering.

    Excellent resume!

  14. So funny……whatta knock out!!
    Old saying:
    “If you can’t baffle em’ with brilliance,
    Dazzle em’ with Bull S…” !!

  15. I just made a new resume and there is nothing I can list under experience since 2001. (But I have had a lot of experience since then!)

    How I wish I could use your perfect descriptions and get some credit for my 24/7 “job”!

  16. Okay, I laughed and laughed. But this one got me to have to wash off the monitor (it needed it anyway) … I manage the employee incentive program. Oh gosh, I am so going to be using that one!

    Thanks, needed the laugh tonight.

  17. Love it. It made me smile and trust me, I needed it this morning. I hired a sitter last night for the two terrorists and Babycakes. If the sitter wasn’t one of my older girls, I’m pretty sure I would have fired her & called her mother to tell her what a flake her kid is. Instead I paid her, sent her home & complained to her Daddy about what a flake she is. lol

  18. Ha ha ha! I was hopin’ I’d see you incorporate “lasagnate” in there! What a fantastic roster of abilities you’ve got at your command, ma’am. I’d hire you on the spot for sure. ‘Course the pay stinks, but I’m guessing a woman of your talents’d be able to find a work-around for that.

  19. SO, SO FUNNY! AND DON’T FORGET “INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION CONSULTANT” (PLAY DATE HOSTESS). YOUR RESUME SOUNDS BETTER THAN ANY CEO I KNOW! THANKS FOR THE LAUGH!

  20. This is so very funny! I need to work in a way to mention that I break up fights 59 times a day and that I’m constantly picking up puzzles.

    ***
    fights: I specialize in conflict resolution and oversee arbitration.
    puzzles: I am the OSHA compliance officer.

  21. Seriously, on my last job interview, I was asked how I would manage all the various details and tasks that this job would entail. I looked the man in the eye and said, “I’m a mom. I know how to multitask.”

    I was offered the job about 5 minutes later.

    Being a mom is definitely a credit on my resume.

  22. I need to update my resume! Motherhood is finally adequately described for the work and professionalism that it is. Thank you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *