Wal-Mart

The Birds

So every trip to Walmart, there is always some drama unfolding somewhere.  Walmart is perpetual interactive theater, 24-hours a day, seven days a week, with a cast of thousands.

Yesterday, it all unfolded before I even set foot in the store.

I pulled into the parking lot and headed up my usual row and just as I’m about to pull into my space, I see something kind of weird on the ground. So I slow down and take a closer look.  A big bird of some sort, maybe a falcon, has another bird pinned to the ground and is standing on it.  I have never seen anything like this before, so I stop the car completely and gawk.

Both birds look up at me.  The bird with his face smashed to the ground looks up at me with pleading eyes as if to say “haaaalpme.”  The bully bird gives me a dirty look, as if to say “Get outta here or you’re next.”  I’m certain that if the bully bird had a middle finger, he would have used it. (And that would be the bird giving me the bird. Ha.)

Crud crud crud!  Only  9:15 am and I’ve already got a moral dilemma.

Do I mind my own business and let nature take its course and then spend the rest of the day feeling guilty and un-Samaritan like? or Do I use my mom voice and give the bigger bird a good talking to and shame him into repentance? Given that I am terrified of birds, that second one wasn’t really an option.

At that moment, in a flash of brilliance, I decided that I would rev the engine and honk the horn a couple of times, thus scaring the bigger bird away and giving the smaller bird a chance to get away and notify the Walmart security team.

But if you were the elderly lady putting groceries in your trunk two spaces ahead, all you saw was some crazy lady in a dirty SUV revving her engine at you and honking furiously.   For the second time that morning, I got a dirty look.  But to her credit,  she did not use her middle finger.

I pulled up next to her and rolled down my window to explain.  She backed out and took no notice of my pleading eyes.  I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t honking at her, but that there was this big bird standing on this little bird….

Oh never mind….

Exit stage left.

43 thoughts on “The Birds

  1. “And that would be the bird giving me the bird.” I love your sense of humor, AM… and I totally get it.

    What I love more is that you think outside the box. Don’t like options A or B? Come up with option C and call it a day… even if it did garner you a look from the lady two spaces down.

    Hey, at least it was at Wal-Mart. The bright side is that you’ll probably never see that lady again. Now if it were at Sean’s school parking lot, you’d have to put up with those looks for years to come…

  2. So what you’re saying is that you stole food right out of the mouths of some baby falcons somewhere?? LOL No I’m just busting ya…. I would have done the same thing. I know all kinds of things go on down the ‘food chain’… but if that bird is going to shop at the WalMarts she’s gonna have to play nice. They wouldn’t allow that behavior inside the store now would they… would they? She should be ‘shopping’ out in the field with those manners…

    ***
    Look, there is plenty of other falcon food in the Walmart parking lot as many of the patrons simply open their car windows and toss out their trash. Sigh. ~ AM

  3. This had me in stitches.

    Some how the parallel universes collided in a Wal-Mart parking lot. Footage from a National Geographic documentary was accidently spliced with a scene from Dukes of Hazzard. I know that within 2 minutes of witnessing nature, you saw someone in Daisy Duke shorts, a toddler with a mohawk, or at least someone yelling “Cody, put mama’s cigarettes down.Now!”

    ***

    Hee hee! – love it. We should write a screen play together. ~ AM

  4. Now I feel like a monster! I probably would have just left them alone, assuming the little bird was already injured by either the impact of the bigger bird’s strike or by it’s claws as it grabbed the smaller bird. But then again, I like raptors. Like is a weak word, actually. I’m fascinated by them.

    There’s a really interesting web site that monitors a family of peregrine falcons on the Kodak tower in Rochester NY. The mother has been coming there for years, first with one mate, then with another when the first died. Every year, the nest box (“scrape”) is monitored by web cam so that people can see the young go from egg to flight.

    http://rfalconcam.com/

  5. For those inquiring minds who want to know the rest of the story:

    The big bird raised on up his birdie tip toes and flapped his wings and made this hissing sound at me. No not really, I had the window rolled up, so I don’t know if he was hissing or not. I sort of imagined that part. Then I got distracted by the lady two spaces up giving me the dirty look. When I came out of the store, there was no feathers or birdie body parts, so either the falcon ate the other bird whole (now there’s an appetizing thought to go with your Saturday morning pancakes) or the other bird flew away forever grateful for my intervention and thanked me by pooping on my windshield. I choose to believe the latter.

  6. And somewhere in the world, there is another blog post about some crazy lady in a dirty SUV honking and babbling in the WalMart parking lot who just couldn’t WAIT to get into a spot…

  7. Why do these things always happen to you? Haha!

    ***
    My theory is they happen to everyone, but my life is so dull I actually write about it. I’m a 49YO woman with a 5YO who lives in in Texas and shops at Walmart. I’m never short of blog material.

  8. That sent me into a coughing fit as I tried to stifle my laughter so that I wouldn’t wake up the entire family! I wouldn’t want them to find me like this all red-faced and hunching over my laptop. Whew!

  9. That is so funny!

    I am terrified of birds, too. Last summer I was walking through my neighborhood to the CVS when a bird swooped down and hit me right on the head. At first, I thought it was an accident. But, then it continued. It would squawk at me and then dive-bomb my head. This happened no less than 10 times. I tried to run away, but then I would have to stop, drop and cover my head with each attack.

    When I got to the CVS, a guy who had seen me screaming hysterically and running down the street, told me his friend had been attacked by the same bird. Two more ladies in the store said a little boy also had been attacked.

    I ran a mile out of my way to get home and called the police. I tried to convince them they should come and kill the lunatic bird guarding the CVS, but they said I was invading the bird’s territory. So, there you go.

    Now, if I hear a bird squawk at me, I just run for cover and don’t even ask questions. I am convinced the birds are out to get me. =]

  10. I broke up a bird fight last week. The big bird got mouthy with me too. lol He was sqawking at the top of his bird lungs at me. lol My daughter thought I was nuts telling the bird to talk it out instead of resorting to violence. lol

  11. I LOVED this post! This is real life; this is relating to readers right where we live. Hilarious! Thank you for a Saturday evening out-loud laugh, that I really needed!

  12. Too funny!! I have some pretty good Wal-Mart stories since that is how I put myself through college but none that funny.

    Although my most favorite of my own Wal-mart stories is the 40 year old guy with two upper elementary age boys chatting me up (at the age of 19) then saying “I don’t do this very often but do you want to go out sometime?” My reaction of “*snort* Ah, no” (didn’t think before I reacted…and I was 19) and him leaving his bags behind make it even more interesting….or sad. Not sure.

  13. Great story! I love reading your blog. Your humor and wisdom make me smile on a daily basis!

    I’d have yelled at the bird which would’ve made me look pretty crazy. Which is okay sometimes.

    ***
    I briefly considered that option but decided that yelling through a rolled up window probably wasn’t going to be very effective. 🙂

  14. Yes, thanks for getting me to laugh. I don’t laugh out loud reading things too often, so this was a good one. You must compile a book. Just think, you have all these faithful readers who would buy a copy at the first printing. Then, it’s on to being our own Beth Moore or Erma Bombeck. See you at the bookstore one of these days.

  15. By the way, forgot to tell you I totally relate to Walmart dramas playing out 24/7. In our small town that is about the only place to go in the evening– not really, we have a movie theater that has a few people watching not too recent but not too old movies– but only a handful are in the theater usually. When someone is not at home at night, we know the person has probably gone to church on a church night, a ballgame a different night, or… Walmart!

  16. Now THAT was hilarious! And much more entertaining than my trip today to Walmart: I had to put all my stuff back in my cart when the lady ahead of me got on the phone to her bank because her credit card was declined. Then it happened again in the next line I joined but , thankfully the lady had another card. I swear it took me 45 minutes just to check out. Walmart drama!

  17. Wow, you Do have some drama at Wal Mart!

    Hahahaha!! SO funny.

    If it had been me, my 2 year old would have been there and seen the falcon ripping the other bird’s eyes out and flinging blood everywhere… for some reason that seems to be the norm for Smith family animal encounters!

    Thanks for the laugh, and also for the follow up so we can all rest easy about the poor victim of bird violence.

  18. Oh my, you can never win can you? Don’t doubt your mom voice though. Once I saw a salamander in our front yard that I wanted the kids to see, only they were at school and I didn’t want to pick it up. So I hurried and got a big canning jar, set it down in front of its nose and yelled, “Get in!!!” It did! Then I put it in our aquarium until the kids got home and then we took it to a pond and let it go. That mom voice can totally command!

  19. There are ALWAYS fights in Wal-Mart parking lots. ALWAYS.
    I saw a housecat chasing a SANDHILL CRANE once. i don’t know WHAT the cat had planned if he caught the bird, though.

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