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  • Pathetically Uncool On All Levels

    February 20, 2009

    I’m at Red Lobster.

    On a Friday night.

    At 5pm.

    I am wearing the same Wal-Mart workout clothes that I put on at 7am that morning.

    But I never got around to working out.

    I look down and notice my shirt is on inside out.

    I am drinking a glass of house Cabernet. That is the Red Lobster house wine people.

    I, not my date, pay the tab. (He can’t find his credit card. Of course.)

    When the waiter returns with the bill and my credit card, he asks for my ID.

    I consider jumping on the seat of the booth and punching the air Tom Cruise style, but instead I just shout “GOD BLESS YOU MAN!” And then I whip out my license (out of a diaper bag) and show it to him and anyone who will look in my direction.

    In the Red Lobster house wine provided haze, I think I’ve been carded.

    And then he says, “Ma’am, the back of your credit card says Ask for ID.  See?” He holds the card out at a distance so I can see it.

    Psssssssst.

    That is the sound of my ego deflating, adjusting to the appropriate level for a 46-year-old woman with a toddler wearing Wal-Mart clothes inside out at 5pm on a Friday night in Red Lobster drinking house wine, paying for her date and shouting God Bless You Man! for no good reason. That level is somewhere under the booth along with the stray Goldfish and dropped color crayons.

    I console myself with the fact that at least I didn’t jump on the booth. There’s that.

    “Oh. Well then,” I say. “I knew that. God bless you just the same sir.”

    * * *

    Originally published February, 2007

    25 Comments »

    1. Bee says:

      When I laugh, I really am laughing with you. When our daughter comes home from college and we take her to dinner, we usually go around 4-5:00 because her “pathetically uncool” parents like to beat the crowd. She calls it our “Senior citizen’s” dinner. Ouch! I may be 50, but I don’t think I qualify for that!

      And I hope the best tip your waiter got that night afternoon was “don’t play in traffic blindfolded!

      February 20th, 2009 at 7:47 am

    2. HarryJacksMom says:

      LOL I was just thinking about how pathetic I am as I load them into the van and pray that nothing happens on our short ride since I’m wearing my pj’s…for the second time this week 😮
      Happy weekend – it was a good repeat!

      February 20th, 2009 at 9:41 am

    3. Anne says:

      Very funny, thanks for the laugh.

      February 20th, 2009 at 9:50 am

    4. Nette says:

      I’m with you on the workout clothes. Mine probably have identity confusion.

      February 20th, 2009 at 10:41 am

    5. Barbara H. says:

      What a fun read!! At least you weren’t offered the senior citizen discount — I’ve been offered that a few times in various places even though I am only 51. My husband says I should just take the discount if they are going to make assumptions, but the one time I did I felt guilty.

      February 20th, 2009 at 10:45 am

    6. Shoe says:

      Hubby wrote that on the back of his card and no one notices. It is suppose to be a safety feature.

      I love the post. Wow Red Lobster! We live in the booties. They pump in sunlight and you claw your way 30 miles up the hollers to get to the highway! I kinda miss civilization but we are going to a party this weekend if the SNOW doesn’t get here first!

      February 20th, 2009 at 11:04 am

    7. Julia says:

      SO FUNNY!! It’s so sad that we can feel the same as we did in our early 20’s… sort of… on the inside, but then the realization that we are NOT hits really hard…

      February 20th, 2009 at 11:53 am

    8. Jenni D. says:

      Love it, AM. Reminds me of last weekend: my husband and I were out on the town with a few other couples. It was late and we were heading into one of the downtown hot-spots near the university in our city. In front of me was a gaggle of co-eds, and they were all getting carded at the door, so I pulled out my driver’s license just to be ready and keep the line moving, don’t you know. When I reached the bouncer and proferred my id he gave a “ppphhhhht!” and waved me through. At which point my husband and “friends” proceeded to laugh at me as I walked sheepishly to the bar. You can take the (41-year-old) girl out of her teens, but you can’t take the teens out of the girl!

      February 20th, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    9. tom says:

      Hilarious! I can picture the whole scene. Thank you for the early morning laugh.

      February 20th, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    10. T with Honey says:

      An observant waiter that knows how to follow directions? That is a blessing!

      February 20th, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    11. Leslie says:

      I remember feeling insulted the first time I wasn’t carded at the grocery store when buying wine coolers or something alcoholic. I had my id out and everything. The nerve.

      February 20th, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    12. Sarah says:

      LOL!! That is totally something I can just SEE happening =)

      February 20th, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    13. Kira says:

      That dopey waiter should have kept his mouth shut.

      I’m actually envious of anyone who gets to go to an actual sit-down restaurant. The last date (and I use this term loosely) my husband and I went on was to buy a new mattress for our guest room. Then we ate fast food in the parking lot with our newborn twins in the back (we didn’t want to take them out of the car), before picking up our 3-year-old from preschool. Ah, romance.

      February 20th, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    14. Michelle at Scribbit says:

      How funny! You’ve got my sympathy. I would LOVE to be carded at this point in my life. My husband looks so much younger than his years but no one ever thinks I’m younger than my age. Dang it.

      February 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    15. Kjaxx says:

      It’s nice to see that the waiter paid attention to what you wrote on your card. I really enjoy reading your blog.

      Just a little for your own interest information. I’d like to point out that some credit cards are not valid without a signature and say so on the back of the card. Also, it is against the merchant’s agreement with the credit card company for them to ask for a cardholder’s ID before they accept the card.

      February 20th, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    16. JanMary, N Ireland says:

      You painted a great visual image of the scene.

      Sorry your bubble was burst! – but thanks for sharing your humiliation and making us smile. At least you didn’t do it on Oprah!

      February 20th, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    17. apathy lounge says:

      This post made me laugh and crave fried shrimp all at once. Is that wrong?

      February 20th, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    18. Sue says:

      That’s one for your book. Enjoyed it!

      February 20th, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    19. Melanie says:

      Oh, too funny! I have so been there!

      February 20th, 2009 at 11:38 pm

    20. Phat Baby Photographer says:

      Yeah, I got carded the other day and I smirked the woman said we card everyone. Not sure why she had to go ruin it for me. nice post.

      February 21st, 2009 at 1:27 am

    21. Maria@Conversations with Moms says:

      Extremely funny. I felt you deflating. I hope the meal was at least worth it.

      When I was 20 and use to get carded, it bugged the heck out of me. What I wouldn’t give to get carded today.

      February 21st, 2009 at 11:07 am

    22. Sarah S. says:

      Aren’t we ALL that excited for our credit card security to be taken seriously? I wouldn’t have thought of that in a wine-induced fog, either, but there’s that, too.

      February 21st, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    23. Sarah says:

      that made me laught out loud…

      thanks…

      sorry it had to cost you something, but dang, that was funny!

      February 23rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    24. Sarah says:

      i have to continue…

      my daughters, best friend and her daughters went to have a mother/daughter get away at the beach…ahem, I know I am spoiled…but I digress..

      on the beach ride home, she and I went into a gas station and the gal asked what we were doing and I said we were on a mother/daughter excursion, but on our way home…and she said something to the effect of well, have fun with your mom there…pointing a my friend..in all seriousnes! Squawk, I hooted and told our girls in the car and they all hooted…but then my friend went on to lament about how she needed to invest in some surgery..hahahahah…

      February 23rd, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    25. AlyGatr says:

      I am crying here! I promise, you are one of my favorite blogging mommies ever 🙂

      February 25th, 2009 at 12:47 pm

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