I wrote this in April and set it aside.
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These days, life seems to click past from weekend to weekend, holiday to holiday, school year to school year. It is as though I am seeing my life through a View-Master. With the click of the thumb, one season disappears from view and is replaced with another. And then another, and another.
It is April. In another month or so, the school year will be over and we’ll look forward to lazy summer days, swimming and popsicles. Click. Then Father’s Day. Click. Then Independence Day. Click. And then Labor Day. Click. And then back to school again.
I was almost 39 when we married and AD was 42. We were both on the dark side of 40 when Sean came along. And perhaps because we are older or because we came to parenthood in the 11th hour, time is the filter which sifts the meaning out of the mundane for us. Time is our most precious and finite resource and informs our every thought.
The other day I watched a young woman in the grocery store pushing a cart with her baby in the seat. I watched her stop the cart and lean in to rub noses with her baby and coo sweet round syllables to her. I estimated her to be about 25 and I thought about how if she lives to be 80, she will get 55 years with her baby. And I was a little envious.
If I’m lucky enough to live to be 80, I will get 36 years with my child. I am so grateful that I ever got to be a mom. I am grateful for every single day, even the days when I cry and complain about how hard it is because I know that no matter how many years I get, in the closing moments of life as I am ushered off into the shadow of death, if I wish for anything at all, it will be more time.
This right-now season that fills the frame of the View-Master, is especially vibrant and crisp and golden. My eyes want to linger here, to stay just a little bit longer…