Some of us gals who attended She Speaks last summer decided that a fun way to keep up with one another would be to link up and do a Crazy Things themed post every so often.  And today is our first one.  (I thought) Today’s theme is (was) about the crazy things you find your car. (Turns out not. Just crazy wherever you find it. Oh well.)

I didn’t even have to look under the seat to find something crazy. And frankly, I’m glad. My fear is that somewhere in the deep dark unexplored depths of my car, the Goldfish and Gummy Bears are mating and evolving into higher life forms. And that is information that I don’t need.

I used to be very particular about my car. I kept it immaculate.  I did.

Then I had a child.

Now my car is more or less a sludgemobile.  It is a moveable feast, a roving footlocker, it is a portable classroom, it is a conference room on wheels — it is an I Spy photo shoot waiting to happen.

I spy a tiny planet and crocodile, an iPod and a nail file…

That’s all I can do.  Making up those I Spy poems is not as easy as you might think.  Have at it.

So then, as you can see, there are several things I never leave home without – Carmex lip balm, germ gel, my cell phone, a hair band and reading glasses.  And Saturn and an alligator. Those things all work in harmony to keep me glued together.  There was a miniature Tootsie Roll but I ate it before I took the picture.

If you care to reveal what crazy thing(s) you have in your car, I’d love to know.

If you want to play the full version of the game, click over and see our lovely hostess (Vanna gesture) Hillary, also known as The Other Mama.

If you want people to like you better,  make these biscuits.

Cheese Garlic Biscuits (or Red Lobster Biscuits)

2 cups of buttermilk baking mix (I use Pioneer.)

1 cup of grated cheese

2/3 cup of milk

Mix it up. Yes, that’s all, mix it up.

Dough will be thick. Drop on lightly greased cookie sheet with a spoon.

Bake at 400 for about 8-10 minutes till peaks begin to brown.

As soon as you taken them out of the oven brush them liberally with a mixture of melted butter, garlic powder and salt.

Antique Mommy’s Awesomely Good Herbed Butter

But if you are like me and just can’t leave well enough alone, then mix up some herbed butter to brush on top or to serve on the side.

1 cup of margarine

1/4 cup of real butter (softened)

garlic powder

cumin

chili powder

2 drops of liquid smoke

salt

parsley flakes

Enjoy!

Some random thoughts on the importance of learning to work.

* * *

Back in the olden days, many people bore children to help them work the farm. They needed people to work the land to survive, so they bred them.

I recently read an interview with AD’s grandmother who was born in the 1890s.  She talked about how she walked behind a plow and picked cotton when she was seven.  It was harsh, but it had to be done.  She had to help, everyone did, that’s just the way it was.  Probably your grandparents or great grandparents did similar work to help the family keep body and soul together.

Today, children are not expected to walk behind a plow or work in factories.  And that is a good thing. However, in my corner of the world, most children I know are not expected to work at all. They watch TV and play video games and go to lessons while their mothers wait on them hand and foot. And I think that is not so good.

Early on I decided that Sean is not a prince and I would not be his valet.  I decided that he should learn to pick up after himself and to pitch in — to embrace the concept of work.  And I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve got a lot to learn as a parent, but one thing I have observed in my own child is that the first step in training is to establish the expectation.

And so I set about establishing this expectation of work.

When he was around three I showed him how to use the Swiffer mop and how to dust.  He still thinks this is tremendous fun.  I began to teach him how to cook.  When he was four I taught him to set and clear the table. When he was five I taught him how to fold dish towels.  Now that he is almost six, he can fold bath towels fairly well.  I sometimes pay him a penny a towel, sometimes not.

When I tell him what a big help it is to me that he has folded a basket of towels, he beams.  It is a bigger reward than the two dimes I give him.  His new job is to take the trash and recycling out to the garage.  Next year, we’ll start working on laundry.  My dream is that at some point he will be a man who looks around, sees what needs to be done and does it.

My point in saying all this is that sometimes we think that children are too small to help or too small to learn how to contribute, but I don’t think that is true.  It is true that most often it is easier to do something myself rather than to take the time to teach little hands. But oh the reward that comes later for both mother and child is a wonderful thing.

As a not-prince, I have established the expectation that Sean will help me do what needs to be done to make living in this house a pleasant experience — which means if he wants to have a pleasant experience living in this house, he needs to help me do what needs to be done. Sometimes Sean thinks the work is fun and other times he grouses about it. Either way, he knows it is expected and he has to do it.

Some families choose to do chores and I can see that there is value in that.  For me, because I am not great at keeping track of stuff I would just end up paying him for work he didn’t do and that would be bad because you seldom get paid for doing nothing in the real world.

For me,  it works better to hire him for certain jobs, or, if he wants to earn some money, he’ll ask me if I have any work for him to do.  I think it’s good for kids to know they are expected to contribute to the keeping of the house but also to be rewarded for their work once in a while.  There are probably as many ways to balance that as there are families.

If you were to look at the Biblical model, life is six parts work and one part rest. I hope to inspire Sean to strive towards that model.   Work provides purpose and structure and satisfaction.  These things are good.

* * *

He who works his land will have abundant food, but the one who chases fantasies lacks judgment.  ~Proverbs 12:11

Awhile back, I created a little something for someone which I sent off in the mail, a little gift of sorts.  It was a little something that took me, oh, about 20 hours to create.  But whatever.  That is neither here nor there.

Several weeks, maybe even a month has passed, and I have heard nothing, no acknowledgement, nada. It is like I am dead to them.  Although.  How can a dead person spend 30 hours making a lil’ something to drop in the mail?  Can’t.  So naturally, my feelings are devastated shredded whipped bruised an itsy bit hurt given that I spent about 40 hours working on this little creative gifty thing.

So, I’m thinking that is kind of weird. Either they hated it or are offended or both. Or they hate me.  Or all three.  Or!  They don’t appreciate that I spent 50 hours of my life working on this little bit o’ art.

So I tell AD about it and he does this thing that always aggravates me.  He’s logical. And charitable.  And worse? He takes up for the offending party.  “Well they probably never received it,” he said.

It is lonely on my bandwagon. Yes it is. Many seats are available. Form one line please.

Shortly thereafter my cell phone rings but I can’t get to it before it goes to voice mail. Later I check the voice mail and it is someone from a galaxy far far away, in another area code, someone I don’t know.  She has left a long and rambling message for someone who is not me. For five minutes she talks about the new baby and the yarn she has bought and what would I like for her to make for the new baby and on and on.

I considered calling the yarn lady back, but I have a phone phobia.  I do not like to talk on the telephone. I am fearful that I might just blurt out some random thought (a lot like this post) or that I might launch into an unfortunate choice of story and not be able to stop myself. Like this post.

And based on the length of the message, I have to assume she would engage me and there would be talking, a lot of talking, maybe even about yarn which I know nothing about, and I just can’t do it.  I’m just telling you that up front because I know y’all will blast me for not returning the call. But I just can’t. I would email her but that is the one bit of information she didn’t leave.

Anyway.

So when AD came down for lunch, I told him about the yarn lady and the wrong number.

He shook his head and laughed and may have even pointed his finger at me.  “Somewhere,” he said “there is a woman with hurt feelings because someone never acknowledged her.”

So I said the most obvious and logical thing.  “Fine! Fix your own lunch.”

Busy today. Another excerpt from my speech.

* * *

I think most of us recognize the material blessings in our life, that we live in a wealthy country, that all of our needs are met with abundance.  Some of us have a little more, some of us have a little less, but all of us are well off by the standards of the world,  so it’s not too hard to be grateful for our stuff.

I do think however that we forget to be grateful for something far more valuable than our stuff, and that is our time. We all assume that we will grow old.  We’re all going to live to be a 100, aren’t we?  But you know what? None of us are guaranteed another day.  There’s no guarantee that we’ll even make it to the end of THIS day.  We all know that.  But few of us really live as though we know it.

I recently read the story of a man who knew his days were numbered.  He knew he probably wouldn’t  live to see the next season. And what struck me in his story was the gratitude he had for each new day, even though he suffered tremendously and was dealing with a lot of anxiety.

When gratitude becomes the frame through which you view the days of your life, when you can wake up every morning, thrilled to greet another day in whatever condition you find it, then you open yourself up to experiencing joy in it’s purest form. Your sense of well-being is no longer dependent upon external things which are little more than vapor.

What I hope and pray for anyone who has read thus far is that you can learn to do this without a prodding circumstance.

Gratitude’s partner is contentment, and together they combine to give you this sense of fullness and completeness that we call joy.

There are two nasty habits that kill contentment.  One is not living in the present and the other is comparing yourself to others.

Contentment is found only in the present, in this very moment on this very day. If you are spending time regretting that you didn’t have the perfect childhood or thinking about how good life will be when your kids can finally walk/talk/get out of diapers, you are robbing yourself of contentment.

The other contentment killer is comparison. You can always look out your window and see someone who has it better.  Comparing yourself to others encourages you to focus less on what you have and more on what you have not.  Comparison allows discontent to take root, choking out gratitude and joy.  Nothing good comes of comparison.

And here’s the thing about gratitude and contentment – the only person who can rob you of these things is you.  No one but you.

So then, gratitude leads to contentment, contentment leads to joy and joy leads back to gratitude. And at the center of this cycle is peace.

The wise King Solomon wrote, “He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart.”

Joy is being occupied with gladness of heart.  Joy is living in the moment with gratitude and contentment.

The other day I was chatting with an aquaintance when his cell phone rang.

He reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out the phone and checked the number.

“Just a minute,” he said holding up his index finger, “It’s my son.”

No problem.  They chatted for a few minutes while I stared at the ground and then my cuticles and then the ground some more.  By the lilt and chatter of the conversation, it was apparent to me that there was no real emergency, but whatever, it made no difference to me.

When he snapped the phone shut, he said proudly, “That was my son. I’m always available when he calls.”

To which I responded, “Oh.”

After we finished our conversation, I got in my car and drove off.

And as I drove away I began to mull over what had just happened.  I wasn’t offended that he took the call, not at all, but I recalled that his son is in his mid-20s and lives in another state.  And then I wondered at what point, as a parent, should we stop being always available to our children.

And then I laughed to myself because I was thinking somewhere around the age of four.

Yesterday we looked at some ways to make entertaining more fun and easy, so today I thought I would take a look at the flip side — how to be a good guest and endear yourself to your hostess.

1. RSVP as soon as possible. Responding the day before or the day of the party is better late than never, but it is really bad form and just plain not nice.  Be considerate and repondez s’il vous plait pronto y’all.

1.1 This is not an official don’t, but it is a pet peeve of mine — Do not call the hostess on the way to the party and ask for directions. Chances are she’s really busy attending to last minute details and greeting guests and doing a thousand other things.  Take the time to Google directions before you go.

2.  Do not show up early for a party under any circumstances for any reason ever.  Be fashionably late. For a small cocktail party or a come-and-go, fashionably late means 10-30 minutes.  For a dinner party, 15-20 minutes at the most.  Beyond that, the hostess gets nervous.

2. Do not show up with your kids unless they have explicitly been invited.  Do not show up with your out of town in-laws or other relatives unless they have been invited.  Do not call and ask if you can bring a few extra people because it puts the hostess in an awkard position — she has to say yes or look like a meanie.  If you have unexpected company, call the hostess and offer your regrets explaining that you are sorry that you won’t be able to make it and tell her why. If she wishes to include your company, she will offer.

2.1. If your children are invited, you are still responsible for them.  Check on them from time to time to make sure they are not setting the house on fire.

3. I think a small hostess gift is a really nice expression of gratitude. Make it something small and special but not terribly personal or embarrasingly expensive.  Here are some ideas:  note cards, wine glass charms, candles, a holiday ornament, small rosemary plant, a gourmet food item (chocolates, olives, sauces, biscotti and coffee or tea, jellies), a small book or something home baked like  pumpkin bread or cookies.  Other ideas?

4.  Do not bring food to a dinner party expecting it to be served unless you have been asked to do so.  It is presumptuous and the hostess will be put in the position of having to serve your King Ranch casserole next to her Beef Wellington.  She will resent you for it and she will wish a pox of termites upon your house.

5. If you have been asked to bring a dish to the party, bring it ready to set on the table.  Do not come to the party with a bag of groceries and then ask for a knife and cutting board so you can make your famous homemade salsa.  The last thing the hostess wants is another mess in her kitchen.

6.  Do not bring your own food to eat in a little Tupperware container. If you have food issues, eat at home before you come and just play along graciously. I’m going to retract this one on behalf of  Celiac patients.

7. If you don’t see it, don’t ask for it.  If the hostess is serving hamburgers, do not ask where she’s hiding the chicken.  If you don’t see wine or soft drinks or your favorite diet drink, don’t ask.

8.  Do not clear the table.  Offer to help clear the table, but accept no for an answer. If the hostess says to leave it, then leave it.  It could be she doesn’t trust you with her grandmother’s china.

9.  Be at the party – engage!  See if you can listen more than you speak, ask more than you tell.  Participate and contribute.  Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself and be quick to introduce others. It’s okay to ask someone to remind you of their name, even if they just told you. It happens to all of us and no one should be offended by that.

10. Know when to go. If the hostess is slumped in a chair with her shoes off and yawning, it might be time to wrap up your  fascinating life story and say goodnight.

10.1  A follow up note or email to say, “Great party! Thanks for the invite!” is a super duper nice thing to do and ups the odds that you’ll get invited back.

10.2 Reciprocate! Have a get-together of your own!

With the holidays just around the corner, I thought I’d share with you my list of the top ten things you can do to make entertaining fun and easy for you and your guests.  These are just off the top of my head and I may drop a few more on you as we draw nearer the holidays.

1. Do as much ahead of time as humanly possible.  I can’t emphasize this enough.   If it can be frozen, freeze it.  Except for lighting candles, almost everything can be done ahead of time.  I have even set the table a week ahead and covered it with a sheet.

2.  Start with an empty dishwasher. Always, always, always start with an empty dishwasher no matter you are serving 4 or 44.

3. Let people help. If someone asks for a job, give them one:  put ice in the glasses, pour water, etc. – anything that requires little instruction.

4. Music is lovely, but make sure guests don’t need to shout to be heard.

5.  Use the good stuff. That’s why you have it.

6.  If you can only clean one room, make it the bathroom. Put out fresh hand towels. This is not optional.

7. Keep the lights on the low side and no one will notice that the only room you cleaned was the bathroom.

8.  Receive compliments graciously.  When someone says, “Oh your home is lovely!” the only acceptable response to this is “Thank you!”   Do not say that you wish you had a larger laundry room or that you hate your kitchen layout.

9. Never ever stress about something not turning out right in front of your guests.  They won’t remember what wasn’t up to par.  They will remember that you fretted over it.  A harried hostess makes guests uncomfortable.

10.  The single most important thing you can do as a hostess is to enjoy your company.  Once your guests arrive, it’s time to focus on them.  Whatever is undone shall remain undone.

10.1 No flaming pineapples.

I’m off to do car stuff and school stuff and other stuff today.  This is an excerpt from a speech I gave a while back.

* * *

There is a verse in the book of James that says, “Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds.”

Are you kidding me James? Pure joy? In trials? Seriously?

I have always struggled with this verse because I can’t imagine that I’m supposed to feel joyful when the world is trying to whack me upside the head, as it seems to like to do.

If I were to pick nits,  it says “consider” it pure joy. It does not say “feel” pure joy.  So if you are not feeling pure joy in the midst of your struggle, you are off the hook. Not required.

The joy is not in the trial itself, but rather it is the bi-product of the struggle, of working through the difficulty.

There is joy in the opportunity to grow spiritually in the midst of turmoil, joy in the eventual victory over the difficulty, and I think most especially, joy in the deepening of support relationships as you make your way through the hardship.  The people who come to your aid and stand beside you and gather you up are comfort and joy embodied.

And I submit to you, from my own experience, that the joy that comes from difficulty, when it comes, is life altering.  It is terribly sweet and lasting and becomes a part of who you are and how you view the experience of life here, and hereafter.

Is there joy in losing a spouse or a child or a loved one, the worst kind of trial?  No. Absolutely not.  But there is joy in the memory of the beloved that remains. The person may die, but the joy remains. Having said that, I know first hand that grief can numb you to that joy for a long time.

Joy in difficult places is like childbirth — after tremendous pain comes a tremendous and life changing joy.