Archive for the 'Antique Junk Drawer' Category

A Doughnut Themed Day

May 14, 2008 | Antique Junk Drawer, School

Warning:  No real point to this post.  Your time might be better spent cleaning lint from your belly button.

 

Some days just seem to have a theme.  Have you noticed? Friday, the theme of the day was apparently doughnuts.

 

Friday morning, Antique Daddy and I went to our end-of-the-year parent-teacher conference.  I was nervous, but it went extremely well.  I was so proud of the things Ms. Carrie told me about my little boy — it brought tears to my eye. My mother used to leave my parent-teacher conferences weeping too, but for entirely different reasons.  The good nuns did not appreciate my creativity and outgoing nature.  Quirky is not a quality admired by the Catholics.

 

I digress. It’s what I do.

 

Anyway, beyond the fact that Sean has more than mastered all of the skills appropriate for his age, Ms. Carrie reported that he is well liked, respects the teachers, demonstrates self-control, is kind, and shares. And is quite funny.  Is there anything more a mom could want?  I think not.  

 

After the conference, AD and I celebrated by stopping by Starbucks and basking in the after glow of parental pride.  As I ordered my coffee, I spotted an old-fashioned glazed cake doughnut in the pastry case.  Intoxicated by Sean’s good report, I ordered the doughnut with reckless abandon and ate it in about three bites.  I could not resist.  Glazed cake doughnuts are the one thing I almost never allow myself because if I eat one then that’s all I will be able to think about for three weeks and I will then spend all my free time talking myself in and out of getting in the car to go buy doughnuts. 

 

Later that same day, I overheard on the news that a man tried to attack a woman in a doughnut shop.  I didn’t catch the entire story, but that seemed like a gross miscalculation on his part.  Bad move.  Never get in between a woman and her doughnut. Depending on the time of the month, all that might be left of you is a powdered sugar outline.

 

Then finally, that night, I was watching a little late night food channel and Paula Deen and her son were making homemade doughnuts out of biscuits.  I love how Paula can tease six syllables out of the word doughnut.  Anyway, Paula pulled a doughnut from the hot grease and bounced it around in a paper bag full of powdered sugar and then presented it to the audience.  And they applauded. For the doughnut.

 

Some food I would not applaud, say turnips or miniature corn.  But a doughnut I would definitely applaud.  I would go so far as to stand and shout Encore! for a doughnut.

 

See? I told you. Pointless. And you could have had a clean belly button.

 

We’re Good At Naming Stuff

May 11, 2008 | Antique Junk Drawer

This weekend, we went to Tuna to see Memaw and Papa George for Mother’s Day.  Sean really wanted to pack his own bag, so I let him.  When I checked his duffel bag, he had packed some favorite stuffed animals, several books and a Lightning McQueen diecast car.  But no underwear.  Everyone has their priorities.  Depending upon the trip, I might choose books over clean undies too.

When he was finished packing, he zipped up his bag and announced, “I got all my stuff in it!  But I’m going to call it a STUFFel bag!”  Totally cracked himself up.  And his mother too, who loves a good play on words.

With all due apologies to the town of Duffel, we like our name better and will henceforth refer to said bags as stuffel bags.

On the way back from Tuna, as we drove along the local super highway in the HOV lane, it occurred to me that High Occupancy Vehicle is not that accurate of a description because most of the cars you see only have two people in them.  In my view, two is not exactly a high rate of occupancy.

I think they should have named it the MOV lane for Multiple Occupancy Vehicle - a more accurate description, plus the marketing folks could sell it as the ”move” lane, playing off the idea that the lane is “supposed” to ”move” traffic.  TXDOT should really check with me on these things first.

Note:  Quotation marks in use to denote lame concept and implies eye roll. 

* * * * *

Does your family have any new and improved words?

Husbandry

March 13, 2008 | Antique Junk Drawer

Dear Husbands Across America,

If your wife is being self-deprecating, you are not allowed to join the party. It is not a bandwagon, do not jump on.

Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow.

~ Antique Mommy

* * * * *

In the interest of equal opportunity:

Dear Wives Across America -

The art of being wife wise, is knowing what to overlook.

Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow.

~ Antique Mommy

Bring It Stacy!

March 3, 2008 | Antique Junk Drawer

I don’t get to watch much television these days, but occasionally at the end of the day, after I’ve put Sean to bed, I’ll flip through the channels and end up watching part of an episode of What Not To Wear. Do y’all ever watch that show? Isn’t it fascinating? Two snotty condescending people insult you, throw your clothes away, make you cry and then force you to buy uncomfortable shoes. And inevitably they jump out from behind a rack of clothes at a department store and scare the puddin’ out of you. Fashion + Fear = Fun! 

I am fascinated by this show for many reasons, but mostly because I do not understand these people who are emotionally attached to their sorry clothes. I  don’t know how many times I’ve seen Stacy and some poor schmuck tearfully playing tug of war with a ratty sweater. My theory is that these people are the same kids who drug around their blankie until they were 11. I was not one of those kids. I never had a blankie. But then again, I may have attachment issues.  On the other hand, if a tornado came through and wiped out my entire collection of broom skirts and Brighton belts, I would be able to skip the grief counseling.

Anyway, I’m thinking about all of this because one recent Sunday morning, after I had tried on no less than four different outfits to wear to church, I was thinking about submitting my own application to What Not To Wear. Now before you go all holy roller on me, it’s not like I was trying to show off and dress to the nines or anything like that. I was aspiring to dress maybe to the twos which is one step above pajama bottoms and slippers. I am hopelessly out of step with the now generation (as evidenced by the fact that I just used the term “now generation”) and believe that you should at least be dressed to the twos when attending church – that means no pajama bottoms and no cleavage and I’m not really all that keen on blue jeans.

Anyway, like most Americans, I have a closet full of clothes. But all of my stuff a) doesn’t fit, b) is hopelessly out of date, c) was purchased when I was temporarily insane, d) is hideous, e) has been worn so much it is sad, sad, sad and f) all of the above.

So on that particular Sunday morning, I was in my closet, knee deep in a pile of a, b, c, d, e and f – and I was thinking that if Stacy London were in my closet, I would not be playing tug of war with her over a broom skirt. I would not be crying. No, I’d be standing in the trash can stomping it all down to make sure there was room for everything.

And then I’d kick her out of my closet and call in Big Mama who would preface her insults with “Bless your little ole heart” as all good southern women do.

News!

February 25, 2008 | Antique Junk Drawer

First of all, bloodwork results.  The doctor’s office called Friday night at 5pm and reported that all the bloodwork came back normal — all the liver and pancreatic panels were just fine. Yay! But there is still a lot of sugar in his urine. While that is not nomal, it could be normal for him.  The doctor will chat up the specialists this week and then we will decide where to go from here.  We may need to make a visit to a nephrologist at some point. In the meantime, Sean seems to be feeling well and that puts my world back on it’s axis.

Second - Whut The Heck Izit photo contest will end sometime today and I will announce the “winner” of our fabulous prize-ish prize-like prize tomorrow morning.  I have no idea what the prize will be but it will include a one of a kind hand drawn work of art by Sean.

And third, if you haven’t been over to my design blog, Inspired Spaces, go check out my new look!  Today we are working on Jennifer’s combo living/dining room. She loves vivid color and needs some help pulling it all together and would love to hear your ideas.

The New Fruitcake

December 11, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer, Silliness

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Sean and I were shopping in Sam’s the other day when we spotted this. 

As I looked at the wall of Yard-O-Beef, I imagined the Hillshire marketing folks sitting around a conference table at 4am, bleary eyed, shirts untucked, everyone needing a shave and shower when someone said, “Why not call it Yard-O-Beef?” And then everyone said, “Great! That’s a wrap. Let’s go home!”

And really, who wouldn’t want to find a Yard-O-Beef under the tree on Christmas morning?

Yard-O-Beef! The new fruitcake!

What’s the most unusual Christmas gift you’ve ever received?

Ice Ice Baby

December 10, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

(Disclaimer:  I don’t even know what Ice Ice Baby means.)

Saturday, we went to the Ice! exhibit/extravaganza/event at the local Texas style hotel/convention center.

Even though it was a balmy 80 degrees outside, inside the hotel it was 9 degrees. Y’all, did you know that 9 degree is cold!? Brrr!  And everything was made out of blocks of ice, including a slide and a sleigh and a life-sized nativity.  It was indeed cool!  (Get it? Cool? Ha.)

The shuttle to the hotel was festively decorated with Christmas ornamentation. When we got on the bus Sean sat on my lap and whispered in my ear, “Mom, isn’t this a beautiful bus!?”

And indeed it was.

If he was impressed with the bus, it bode (boded?) well for the actual exhibit/extravaganza/event. However I could have saved us $52 and just rode the bus.

 Wish I’d though of that sooner.

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Balloons: Eventually Someone’s Gonna End Up Crying

December 4, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

Photo Temporarily Unavailable

Warning.

What?

Wait!

 Waaaah!

Woe. Wailing. Weeping.

Wincing.

Why, why, why!?

Whatever.

Worrying.

Waiting, waiting, waiting….

 

I’m Addicted To Rice

November 10, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

I scored 40 and donated 220 grains of rice here.  So far.  How did you do?

Otherwise Occupied

November 7, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer, Silliness, Wivian

In case you were wondering who my company was yesterday, it’s my mommy.  She’s still here.  Sometimes I like to be coy. 

The upside to that is that she is occupying my child which means I can do other things, like go get my teeth cleaned – just a little hobby of mine, something I like to do in my spare time.

The downside to that is she can’t vote for me which means I’ll probably win this prize. So, maybe you could get your mother to vote for me? (That’s once every 24-hours through November 8th! Operators are standing by! Call now and get a set of Ginzu knives with every vote!)

I leave you with this “that’s my boy” moment.   The other day Sean came home from school and told me that the teacher asked the class to name a fruit for the each letter of the alphabet.  As expected, he said “A” was for apple, “B” was for banana and I think he said “C” was for canna-wope.  I asked what fruit started with “D” and he said doughnut. 

Yep. That’s my boy!

Oops! How’d that get there??

Jell-O Does Not Make The List

October 10, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

Off the top of my head — Things I find fascinating (in no particular order):

Plate tectonics

Medical mysteries

The human body

Dreams and memory

DaVinci

God

Oceanography

Sean

History

Words

The “Blue Planet” series

What’s on your list?

One Thing

October 7, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

Recently, on a long car trip, I asked Antique Daddy this question: If you were ridiculously wealthy, like Bill Gates wealthy, what would be your one extravagance?  Without hesitation,  he said he would have a private jet.

He asked me the same question in return, and I couldn’t think of a single thing.  I’m not sure what that says about me. Either I’m extremely contented or extremely dull-minded. 

So I ask you, if you were ridiculously wealthy, what is that one (just one) extravagant thing you would have?

Uncleand Bob Is Inappropriately Funny

September 26, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer, Mildly Amusing

As I waited for Sean to finish his Party Burrito at Taco Bueno the other day, I picked up a newspaper that someone had left behind in our booth.  I never read the newspaper anymore, so it was kind of a treat. 

The first page I came to was the obituaries and I scanned them out of morbid curiosity.

There was a picture of a handsome man that caught my eye and so I read his obituary hoping to discover what had happened to him.  So I could then feel better about my own mortality. Somehow.

Anyway, this is what I read, exactly in this format:

“Bob was also an

uncleand friend.” 

Whaa?  Was this a statement on his salvation or his hygiene? And is this really the time to bring it up?

Rest in peace Uncleand Bob and thanks for the inappropriate laugh.

Halloween

September 22, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

Is it too early to start thinking about Halloween?  Apparently not according to retailers. But if you go by the retailers, I should probably be putting up my Christmas tree.

Anyway, back to Halloween.  Halloween is not a big thing for me, I could take it or leave it frankly, but for several months now, Sean has been saying he wants to dress up as a pirate for Halloween.  So being the over-involved, over-engaged mother that I am, I have been looking at pirate costumes at said local retailers and oh my goodness! - $30! No way people.  And it’s not just the money, it’s the principal.  You know whenever someone says it’s the principal, it’s the money.  Only cheap people stand on principal. And that would be me. Not that there is anything wrong with it. Disclaimer, etc.

When I was growing up, and given that was a few years back, we made our own costumes and that was half the fun.  We’d go through the Goodwill bag (which was ironic since most of our stuff came from Goodwill) and cobble together an outfit of sorts and then we’d crowd around the bathroom mirror and draw blood on our face with a tube of mom’s old lipstick. No matter what you were going as, it required a trickle of lipstick blood — and there is nothing more frightening than Raggedy Ann with a facial flesh wound. 

So I’m undecided on the pirate costume - to make or to buy. To make one would require a substantial amount of effort on my part that could be better spent sitting.  To buy one would mean spending $30 that could be better spent on me. 

Do you celebrate Halloween? If so, do you make or buy costumes for you/your kids? What did you go as when you were a kid? Did you buy or make your costume? What’s your favorite Halloween candy?  Or just make up your own Halloween question and answer it.  I’m flexible.  

When You Have Geeks For Parents…

September 21, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

your vacation photos look like this:

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Taking A Long Lunch

September 17, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

Hello reader friends!

I have a number of projects that require my attention this week, so I will be otherwise occupied and unable to entertain you with tales of run-ins with public toilets or chi chi sandals that conspire against me.  I am working on writing and illustrating a children’s book as well as writing another family memoir.  Not to mention I need to workout. Badly.

Now that Sean is in school a few days a week and getting a bit more independent, I want to take advantage of that of free time and get back into my studio again and paint and do the creative things I love– in addition to writing this blog.

Please feel free to browse the archives or drop me an email and say hello.

See you next week!

~ Antique Mommy

I’ve Never Liked August

September 3, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

If I were going to vote off one of the months of the calendar it would be August. August is the doldrums of the calendar – a stretch of time when nothing exciting is happening, no special holidays, nothing to look forward to all month except for August being over. I think we should be like the Europeans and skip August all together and go to Monte Carlo. Who’s in?

And then in addition to the ugh that is August, a lot of little crud has turned into a big pile of crud which I plan to dig myself out of as soon as my three-year-old boyfriend returns to school THIS WEEK! Yes, of course I’ll be crying my eyes out all the way to Starbucks and then to Nordstroms and probably Dillards after that. I will be devastated to have all that free time to myself, oh yes I will. But I will cope, because I am strong. And it’s just bad form to weep into your double latte.

So I won’t bore you too much with all the woe is Antique Mommy stuff other than to say that before my computer died, I had a couple of weeks worth of posts written that are gone. Pfffft. Outta here. And at my age, you don’t remember that much. So I got nothing.

Oh wait, there is this — a little snippet from my ridiculous life that will make you feel better about your own walking skills:

One morning last week, Sean and I went to the open house at his school. As we made our way across the school parking lot towards the building, he started crying and clinging and climbing all over me like some sort of psychotic koala bear. He starts this every time we get within 100 yards of a school. He does not want to go to school. He wants to stay home and play with me all day which is all well and good, except that I don’t really like him that much. KIDDING! Sort of. No really, I have him in school because he needs to be out of my hair with other kids.

So I hoisted him up on my hip and continued towards the school but not before my sandal catches on the one section of pavement that is 1/1000th of an inch taller than the previous step. Yes, those sandals. And oh yes, I did one of those long-stride stumbling sequences that is just so very graceful, all while carrying a 40 pound koala bear on my head which does little to improve one’s balance. And I can’t even blame it on my iPod.

Of course this kind of move exactly conveys the kind poise and confidence that will no doubt make all the other mother’s who were also walking into the school that morning clamor to be my friend and invite me out for coffee because really, where can you find that much cool all in one place?

Luckily, I did not fall. And I was really really grateful for that small blessing because if I had to go to the open house wearing a 40-pound koala on my head, at least I wasn’t all bloodied and scraped up.  And see, that’s how you know it’s August becuase your idea of a blessing is not limping into the school open house wearing torn and blood stained capri’s and carrying your child on your head.

From Under The Laundry Pile

August 27, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

This past weekend I drove through little Arkansas towns with names like Pickle Gap and Toadsuck Hollow on my way to the White River where we went rafting with some friends.  We had a great time but today I am tired and I have a mountain of laundry that smells like Toadsuck, so I’ll be back here in a day or two!

There Were Clues All Along

August 21, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Richard in elementary school in East Texas.  One day Richard was suffering from a bad case of spring fever and all he could do was lean on his elbows with his chin in his hands and stare out the window at the beautiful blue sky.  “Richard!” snapped his teacher, jarring him back to reality. “Pay attention! What kind of job do you think you’re going to get staring out the window at the clouds all day?” she admonished.  Richard is Sean’s Godfather and today he flies commercial airplanes – he sits in the cockpit and stares out the window at clouds all day.

When my brother was a little guy, my parents bought him a toy tool kit for Christmas one year.  His favorite hobby became disassembling anything he could get his hands on. Today he makes his living taking helicopters and airplanes apart and putting them back together. 

One of my earliest memories is going to the grocery store with my mom. I was fascinated by the cashier. Back in those days, before scanners and bar codes, the cashier manually pushed buttons for the price of each item.  I thought being a cashier would be a great job if it meant getting to push buttons all day.  Today I spend a lot of time sitting behind my computer pushing buttons.  On the other hand I wanted to be a nun too, so maybe it’s just coincidence.

What did you want to be when you were growing up and are you doing it?

Garage Sales

March 11, 2007 | Antique Junk Drawer

This past weekend was our annual neighborhood garage sale. I like garage sales, but with a three-year-old in tow, I don’t go to very many. The effort of lugging a toddler around, getting him in and out of a car seat and keeping him out of stuff and/or running off trumps the possibility of finding an original Declaration of Independence which I would probably just toss in the trash after I let Sean play with it for a few days.

Garage sales, much like trips to Wal-Mart, are interesting studies in humanity and when you go to your neighbor’s garage sale, it’s somewhat less interesting and just weird. It’s like peeking in someone’s window. Yet we do it anyway.

Saturday morning in North Texas was the perfect day for a garage sale. It was sunny and clear and about 75 degrees. So we loaded up Sean in his wagon and set off to see what and whom we could see. When I told Sean that we were going to some garage sales and that maybe we could find some toys to buy, without missing a beat he offered, “Yeah, or maybe some books!” See why it’s hard to not indulge him?

The first place we stopped was at the house of a friend of mine. Carol had her husband’s motorcycle sitting out front with a price of $14,500. I would have gotten it for Antique Daddy as a companion for his other motorcycle that sits in his mother’s garage going on 25 years now, but I couldn’t talk Carol down to the $80 I had in my pocket which is what I think motorcycles in general are worth. And just because Carol was also selling Tim’s golf clubs and a bunch of his clothes probably isn’t any reason to start a rumor. Although I didn’t see Tim anywhere. Sean picked out a 1950s children’s book and a pocket version of a New Testament, which I thought was unusual because he usually prefers to read the Greek version of the New Testament. Carol wouldn’t allow us to pay for the books because a) she is so very kind and/or b) to get rid of us. So we thanked her and continued on our adventure.

The next stop was our friend’s house that we like to use as the local Emergency Room. They were kind of doing a combined sale with the people next door. Between the two families there are six kids and so they had a lot of stuff. In spite of the abundance of toys, at this stop, Sean only wanted to buy a box of lemon flavored Girl Scout cookies and once again, we tried to pay but were denied. Apparently our neighbors think we are indigent, a reputation we like to cultivate.

Aside: Darn those Girl Scouts and their delicious lemon cookies! Darn them all to heck!

As we went from house to house, we found that some people were friendly and enjoyed the interaction and others acted like we were from the wrong side of the tracks and could barely bring themselves to speak to us. Some had tons of fun stuff, others had teeny tiny tables of junk and I wondered why they would even bother. Some wanted to just give stuff away, others had inflated notions about the value of their crap stuff. Nonetheless, we got out and about and met some of our neighbors and it was fun.

At the end of the day, Sean spent $7 and got a Lego’s table which included a giant box of Lego’s (because the 14 million Lego’s we currently have are just not enough). He also got a backpack full of Lincoln logs and a nifty little toy tool kit. I got two just-like-new companion tapestries for $50 which look as though they were custom made for my house.

Do you garage sale? If so, what’s the coolest thing you ever bought? Me first: Last year I got two St. John outfits, just my size, tags still on, for $1 each.