Always Real, Sometimes Sweet, Sometimes Tart, Tuna

Jane

When my mother-in-law dozed off, I shut the door to her room at the assisted living facility and looked for some place where I could sit unnoticed and NOT think. When you are visiting a place such as that, you can only really think one thought:  Life is a river flowing in one direction.  Eventually – and more quickly than the mind can conceive – the river empties out into the great delta of geriatric unpleasantness. Unless one capsizes mid-journey and is swallowed up by the river, the delta is our destiny.  The great contradiction of…

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Always Real, Sometimes Tart

The Truth About Late-In-Life Motherhood

I recently got a request from a well known publication to write a short piece on older motherhood.  I have responded to enough of these kinds of requests in the past to know they aren’t really looking for illumination. They are looking for inflammation. They are looking to stir up women who have (for whatever reason) delayed motherhood against those who have not, which creates drama, which creates traffic. But not illumination. So I decided I would just skip all that and lay out the truth about older motherhood as I see it, right here.  It…

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Always Real, Parenting Gone Awry, School, Sometimes Tart

Whining Is Not A Strategy

There is an old saying that we all know:  The squeaky wheel gets the grease. In other words, those who complain the loudest and the longest and in the most annoying repetitious way possible —  get what they want.  Except from me, then no, they get nothing. My policy is this:  I don’t negotiate with terrorists or toddlers. Or those who behave as such. At the House of Antique, if you are whining, the answer is automatically NO.  If you continue whining, you will get the Antique Mommy fish eye, which has been known to stop…

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Just Weird, Sometimes Tart, Wal-Mart

If Mother Teresa Had Shopped At Walmart, She’d Just Be Teresa

I love the Mother Teresa quote which says, “I’m a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.” I would like to be like Mother Teresa, to be able to say that my life is a love letter to the world, but some days, I’m afraid my life looks less like a love letter and more like graffiti. The other day I went to Walmart to pick up just a few things, and is always the case, when I walked into the store there was no…

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Always Real, Sometimes Tart

There’s A Good Reason Driver License Pictures Are Bad

Because I have super sharp powers of observation, I quickly realized that things probably were not going to go well. You see, as I pulled into the parking lot, it was jam packed with cars.  Most of the cars were missing hub caps, some had windows covered with garbage bags secured with duct tape and others were missing the passenger seat.  And their owners were loitering in the parking lot smoking cigarettes.  Not that my car is new and fancy by any means.  But it does have hub caps and windows and all the seats. So…

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Always Real, School, Sometimes Tart

Will Jupiter Be On The Test?

A week or so back, Sean and I were driving home from somewhere just as the sun was setting and the moon was as big and orange as I have ever seen in my entire life.  It was such a wondrous sight, that I pulled the car over to gaze upon it. “Wowee Sean!” I exclaimed. “Look at the moon!  That is awesome!” We rolled back the moon roof and looked up at this giant golden orb that seemed to hang just above our heads and threatened to drop right into the car. Sean, although impressed,…

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Outsmarted, Sometimes Tart

Television, Lofty Ideals and The Pitchman

Back when we were pregnant and studying fervently for our advanced degrees in parenting, we came across this article which suggested that children under the age of two should not be allowed to watch any television, none at all. Their theory was that the electronic medium of television alters the tender brain chemistry of toddlers and could play a role in some of the sensory issues that beset our children today, issues that we haven’t seen so much in previous generations.  That seemed like a reasonable hypothesis to us and so we went with it and…

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Hospitality & Manners, Sometimes Tart

Martha, Self-Restraint, Best Business Practices

Whatever your feelings are about Martha Stewart, you have to admit she’s a good business woman. She built a media empire and became a zillionaire in the process, although not entirely by playing by the same rules as the rest of us middle-class schmucks, but that’s another story. So then the other day, I passed through the living room where AD was flipping through the channels and there was Martha on the television speaking to someone in her usual snotty and condescending tone. It didn’t really catch my attention because Martha always speaks that way, even…

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Antique Daddy, Parenting Gone Awry, Sometimes Tart

The New Bed

Recently I acquired a twin bed for Sean.  Heretofore, the poor giraffe-legged child had been sleeping in a toddler bed.  Toddler bed, we all know, is code for “crib on the ground”. I know what you are thinking. “What is wrong with y’all? Can you not even manage to get your six-year-old child a decent bed?” And the answer to that is apparently not, at least not in a timely manner. Several times when we’ve had other children at the house, I have overheard them laughing at Sean’s itty bitty bed. And although it didn’t bother…

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Always Real, Sometimes Tart

Always Available

The other day I was chatting with an aquaintance when his cell phone rang. He reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out the phone and checked the number. “Just a minute,” he said holding up his index finger, “It’s my son.” No problem.  They chatted for a few minutes while I stared at the ground and then my cuticles and then the ground some more.  By the lilt and chatter of the conversation, it was apparent to me that there was no real emergency, but whatever, it made no difference to me. When he snapped the…

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