Antique Crazy, Mildly Amusing, Sometimes Tart

Wherein I Answer The Question: So, You’re A SAHM? What Do You Do All Day?

This morning I thought I would go to the grocery store and buy milk. We were out of milk. So I thought I would go to the store and get milk and that would be that. We would come home with our milk, eat cereal and then get on with our lives and find the cure for age spots or build a fort in the den out of blankets. Either one. So I mentioned to the little boy that we should get in the car and go buy some milk and if – IF! – he…

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Always Real, Antique Crazy, Sometimes Tart

I’m Giving The World A Spanking And Then I’m Going To Put It In Time Out

Recently, I got a message on the answering machine from the phone company saying they were going to cut off my phone service for non-payment.  Since I pay my phone bill automatically every month on my credit card, and I have ever since I signed up with this company a few years ago, I did not see how this could be.  So I put in a call to see what the problem was. After obediently listening to all my options because they might have changed since the last time I called in, I pushed every button…

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Antique Crazy, Mildly Amusing, Outsmarted, Parenting Gone Awry, Reruns and Leftovers, Sometimes Tart

Some Assembly (And Tequila) Required

Hi. I’m hiding out down here in the archives with a bottle of Merlot and some cheese and crackers. Want to join me? Oh lookee! Here’s a post from last August. We are officially in the dead of summer here in Texas. My flip flops have melted into the pavement like bubble gum. What the mole hasn’t destroyed of my lawn, the sun has burnt beyond recognition. I can barely stand the sight of my shorts and tank tops that I couldn’t wait to wear back in April. I have soured on summer. I am ready…

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Always Real, Antique Crazy, Sometimes Sweet, Sometimes Tart

Shortly After 8:30am, They Lived Happily Ever After

7am. – Coffee Pour first cup of coffee. Bump cup on edge of counter. Favorite cup breaks and splashes moderately hot coffee down the front of the cabinets and all over my feet. Do the walking on hot coals dance. Clean up mess. 7:30 – Eggs Remove egg from carton to crack into pan. Drop egg on my foot en route. Hobble over to the sink to wipe yolk from between toes leaving a trail of egg slime from stove to sink. Clean up mess. 7:40 – Toast Toast pops up. Reach for butter tub. Knock…

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Always Real, Reruns and Leftovers, Sometimes Tart

Cherries – Or Life Is But A Dream

Cherries are in season.  Cherries as gorgeous and red and decadent and as seductive as any apple in Eden there ever was. I saw them at the store and brought them home. I rinsed them under the cool water of the tap and then without even bothering to turn on the lights, I sat down alone in my kitchen and ate them one by one.  It was May of 1991. I was 31-years-old. My first husband and I, along with another couple, were in Europe. When you decide to take a two-week car trip with another…

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Always Real, Sometimes Tart

The Real Reason Behind On-Line Shopping

Every time I venture out into the world of retail, I always come away astonished that it is a service-based economy that keeps this great nation of ours spinning and churning. The majority of the sales clerks I encounter make it clear they could not be more bored or put upon with having to help me. I am an unwelcome interruption to their busy schedule of yawning and looking at their cuticles. It has come to the point that I’m surprised by decent service because it’s an exception rather than the rule. And when I do…

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Always Real, Sometimes Tart

Family Of Four Narrowly Misses Smack Down At Home Depot. No One Injured.

Early Friday evening, Sean and I went to the Poor Man’s Amusement Park – PetSmart and then Home Depot. At PetSmart, we make several laps around the store looking at the various animals, riding the moving ladder by the fish tanks, weighing ourselves on the dog scale, trying out the saddles in the tack shop and seeing which dog houses Sean will fit into. When we get kicked out of there, we walk next door to Home Depot to try out all the riding lawn mowers, relax on the patio furniture and then play “snowcone stand”…

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Modern Medicine, Sometimes Tart

Good Nurse, Bad Nurse

Dear Recovery Room Nurse: Several weeks ago, you were assigned to care for me in the recovery room after my hysterectomy. And I just wanted to take the time to thank you for making me feel like a big bothersome pain in your behind. I think studies have shown how this attitude helps the post-surgical patient in the recovery room, which is to say, not at all. You would think that under the influence of anesthesia and narcotics, that I might have been totally unaware of your attitude. Not so. I was painfully aware. And I…

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Always Real, Sometimes Tart

Do It Anyway

The Paradoxical Commandments written by Dr. Kent M. Keith in 1968 state: “Give the world your best and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.” If ever there were a list of how to live counter to the culture, counter to human instinct, this is it. There is a group of mothers that I come into contact with on a regular basis. I smile at these women and try to make eye contact but mostly what I get in return are eyes that look down and then away. I…

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Mildly Amusing, Sometimes Tart

Post Surgical Pain

By Thursday afternoon, I was 24 hours post op and doing okay. I was sitting up and eating yummy hospital broth and speaking in complete sentences in English, although some people dispute that last part. As the nurse prepared to remove the morphine pump, I picked up my cell phone to call home. I couldn’t wait to call my little boy and reassure him that I was fine and that I loved him more than anything in the entire world and that I missed him and couldn’t wait to get home to see him. Even without…

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