Always Real, School, Sometimes Tart

I’m Thinking Of Taking Up Tennis Again

Back in September, on the first day of school, Sean bounced right into the classroom and started playing with the train set. He didn’t look back or take notice when I left the room, so I left feeling smugly satisfied with how well it went. I flashed “poor you” glances at the mothers whom I passed in the hall on my way out, sobbing mothers pulling unwilling children down the hall like stubborn mules, mother’s whose children aren’t as secure and well adjusted as mine. Tsk. And that was the last time I took Sean to…

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Antique Daddy, Mildly Amusing, Sometimes Tart

The Credit Card

Sometime before Christmas, as I was getting into my car, I noticed something stuck between the seat and the console. So I bravely stuck my hand into that deep dark black hole where loose change, French fries and Goldfish go to die. And lo and behold it was a credit card! It was Antique Daddy’s credit card. At least once a week, Antique Daddy loses his money/credit cards/keys and I freak out and turn the house upside down looking for them. And while I’m busy freaking out and digging through the trash, he’s busy helping me…

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Sometimes Tart

Antique Mommy’s Mid-Term Report Card

Plays well with others: AM plays well with her imaginary friends who live in her computer. With real people? Not so much. Uses time well: Yes, if by using time well, you mean goofs off as much as possible. Stays on task: If goofing off is a task, then yes, AM stays on task. Effort: AM is able to goof off effortlessly. Attitude: Yes, AM definitely has an attitude. Follows directions: Let’s just call her a free spirit and leave it at that. Is able to work through problems: See Christmas lights and gutter cover remains…

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Antique Crazy, Sometimes Tart, Wal-Mart

I Don’t Actually Work At Wal-Mart

Jeff Foxworthy says that if you spend more than 40 hours a week at Wal-Mart and you don’t work there – you might be a redneck. This gives me pause for concern. So. Yesterday, I was at Wal-Mart for the few things I had failed to get on my previous five trips earlier in the week. I tend to have bad luck when it comes to check out lines and I’ve learned that the key is not to find the shortest line, but to spot the most skilled checker. With that criterion in mind, I landed…

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Reruns and Leftovers, Sometimes Tart

Of Polar Bears and Bullies

I came across a news story recently about a woman who attacked a polar bear that was threatening her child. A couple of years ago, this would have seemed completely insane. Now, attacking a polar bear to save my child seems completely reasonable. In fact, going after a pint-sized obnoxious bully at McDonalds seems reasonable. After two solid days of rain last week, I decided that Sean and I needed to get out of the house for a few hours to improve my attitude. In an act of desperation and in violation of my own principles,…

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Sometimes Tart

The Lint Brush – Fun and Functional!

I, along with every mom in the county, went to Toys R Us today to do some Christmas shopping. I feel safe in assuming that I was probably the only one there looking for a Peemo boat. I looked at every toy in the 10,000 square foot store until my eyes glazed over. After an exhaustive on-line search and a complete shake down of Geoffrey Giraffe, I have decided that there is no such thing as a Peemo boat. I have decided that Sean is yanking my chain in a big way and that probably after…

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Sometimes Tart

Tackiest Ornament Ever

Photo Temporarily Unavailable Nothing quite expresses the reason for the season better than a bloated drunken toad in a champagne glass wearing a Santa hat. Except maybe the glitter covered pickle. It was a toss up. Yours for $5.99 at Target.

Sometimes Tart

The Party Circuit Ain’t What It Used To Be

This morning I had to get up and put on real clothes. Nothing good can come of that. Today was Sean’s class Christmas musical recital. Recital might be an overuse of that word. I think they actually called it share time. And by share time, they meant that kids not named Sean would be singing and doing cute little hand gestures so their parents could snap adorable pictures. However, kids named Sean would just sit there sulking with their hands in their pockets staring a hole in the floor wishing they were anywhere else. That’s what…

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Sometimes Sweet, Sometimes Tart

Thoughts On A Third Birthday Party

Photo Temporarily Unavailable Earlier in the week, I reminded Sean that his third birthday was coming up and I asked him what he would like for his birthday. “Oh, some party hats,” he said. “Is that all?” I asked. “Some balloons too would be nice,” he added. Oh that his desires might always be so simple. It won’t be long before the world will be too much with him, late and soon, as one of my favorite poets, Wordsworth wrote. So, we have party hats and balloons. And even a gift. As you can see from…

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