Use Your Words

In A Roundabout Way

The town in which we live was originally a small quaint farming community.  These days,  that small quaint farming community — which used to be 10 miles from its closest neighbor —  is “nestled” under the hairy armpits of the other once quaint farming communities. And now, none of these communities are neither small nor particularly quaint.  We are more like a bunch of fat guys on an airplane – all squeezing over into our neighbor’s space and fighting over the elbow rest. It is not a town without some charm though.  Within the space of…

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Mildly Amusing, Use Your Words

How To Market Pantyhose

So a Sunday or two back, because it was cold, I pulled on a pair of tights to wear with a wool skirt.  I normally wear pants to church when it’s cold.  And by pants I mean slacks, not jeans.  I am not a wear-jeans-to-church kind of gal, but if you are that’s okay, not that there’s anything wrong with it, judge not, yada yada, whatever.  But for some reason I thought I would wear a skirt even though it was near freezing. Sidebar:  Sean really likes it when I wear a skirt or a dress,…

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Antique Embarrassment, Use Your Words

Mr. Malaprops

Sometimes, in a fit of motherly passion, I”ll scoop Sean up and smother him with kisses, telling him he’s so cute that I can’t stand it.  And then he squiggles and wiggles out of my arms and runs off, laughing and yelling “Yucky!” Last week, we were at the grocery store, and as we were checking out, he was chatting up the cashier, a grandmotherly type.  “You’re cute!” she cooed at him as I ran my credit card through the machine. “Yeah but my mom can’t stand me,” he told her.  “She says that all the time.”  And then for some…

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Use Your Words

Kicked Out

Earlier in the week, Sean and I were in Target.  He was being loud.  Happy loud, but loud.  Happy loud is annoying, but not nearly annoying as Unhappy Loud. Still, it was LOUD. I told him that he needed to pipe down so that we didn’t get kicked out of the store. “Kicked out?” he asked. “Yes,” I said.  “You are disturbing the other customers and the store manager might kick us out of here.” “Kicked?” he asked incredulously. “Out?”  His eyes widened in disbelief. He stopped along side the cart, and with a worried and questioning expression,…

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Use Your Words

The New Amen

Three-year-old ears hear everything. Every. Thing. They are omnipotent little creatures. No matter how preoccupied you may think they are with your contrived distractions, they are listening and taking in every word, mentally crouching like a hungry tiger, waiting to pounce at just the right opportunity to gobble up your tender juicy pride. Sunday morning at church, Sean was busy racing his Lightning McQueen matchbox car up and down my arm and gobbling up Goldfish by the fistful —  seemingly oblivious to the inspired and impassioned sermon about hell, fire and brimstone. Just as the preacher…

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Use Your Words

Flip Flops

When Sean was just a little guy, maybe around 18-months-old, we were sitting on the floor by the door that looks out into our back yard, watching the squirrels play hide and seek and flit and zip around. One squirrel had regrettably decided to bury an acorn in a fire ant pile. When he discovered his mistake, the poor little fella began erratically flipping and flopping like a crazed acrobat trying to shake off the angry ants. Having been bitten by my fair share of fire ants, I felt sorry for him, but at the same time…

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Antique Daddy, Use Your Words

What I Said

What I said:  Done with the milk? What I meant:  Would you pleeeez not leave the milk out? What I wanted to say:  Stop leaving the damn milk out. What I said:  I need to go to the store (sigh). What I meant:  I have to defrost or chop something for dinner and I don’t feel like it. What I wanted to say:  I’m not really hungry. Y’all are on your own for dinner. What I said:  Are these papers important? What I meant:  These papers have been on my kitchen counter for a week and you…

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Mildly Amusing, Parenting Gone Awry, Use Your Words

Antique Carnivore

Sean has never been much of an eater, but when he was around 18-months old eating stopped almost entirely.  Somedays we are lucky to get five calories in him.  We try not to worry about it because watching us nervously wring our hands at the dinner table has not increased his appetite.  Wise people say when he’s hungry he will eat.  Wise people are wrong. In an effort to encourage eating, we tell Sean that if he hopes to grow up to be big, he’s going to need to eat something — specifically something not made of orange dust or coco/fruity/frosty/gummy/happy…

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Mildly Amusing, Sometimes Sweet, Use Your Words

I’m The Poodiest

School is out for the summer and the days are getting longer. Boy oh boy are the days getting longer. Being the sole teacher/disciplinarian/guardian/playmate/muse of a three-year-old boy from sun up to sun down has given me a greater appreciation for Sean’s teachers — even though they slighted him missed the opportunity to feature him in the school slideshow as prominently as my precious beautiful special boy-genius deserves (wink wink). By dinnertime, I was exhausted. I set down a bowl of hastily made gourmet macaroni and cheese in front of Sean and then I collapsed into…

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Mildly Amusing, Outsmarted, Use Your Words

Scorpion Bits

“Mommy I’m pretending this scorpion bitted me,” Sean says from the back seat. I look in my rear view mirror to see him stretch a sticky rubbery scorpion the length of his reach. “No, Sean,” I correct him, “I’m pretending this scorpion BIT me — not bitted.” “This scorpion bitted you too?!” Oh never mind.