Mildly Amusing, Wal-Mart

Some Occasions Just Call For Fancy

I went to Wal-Mart today and there was no incident. I just wanted to report that. However. Last week when Sean and I went grocery shopping, he was very insistent that he wear his dress shoes. With his sweatpants. I tried to tell him there was no reason to get all fancied up, that we were just going to Wal-Mart and he might not want to go to the trouble. But he was insistent saying, “I need to be fancy.” And well, I can understand that. Sometimes one needs to be fancy, even if it is…

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Mildly Amusing, Wal-Mart

Electric Cart Lady Karma

I lost Sean’s diaper bag, but thanks to some good electric cart lady karma, I got it back. I really hate to lose things. I check my wallet three or four times after using my credit card to make sure that I have put it back in it’s proper place and my plane tickets are always gray and frayed by the time I hand them to the gate agent from making sure they are still in my purse where I put them three minutes before. But the worst part of losing something is the obsessing that…

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Antique Crazy, Sometimes Tart, Wal-Mart

I Don’t Actually Work At Wal-Mart

Jeff Foxworthy says that if you spend more than 40 hours a week at Wal-Mart and you don’t work there – you might be a redneck. This gives me pause for concern. So. Yesterday, I was at Wal-Mart for the few things I had failed to get on my previous five trips earlier in the week. I tend to have bad luck when it comes to check out lines and I’ve learned that the key is not to find the shortest line, but to spot the most skilled checker. With that criterion in mind, I landed…

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Christmas, Mildly Amusing, Wal-Mart

Peace On Earth Good Will Towards Electric Cart Ladies

Yesterday I discovered that we were dangerously low on plastic sparkly Christmas stuff. How on earth could we celebrate the birth of Our Savior without a plastic toad wearing a Santa hat for our fake tree? We couldn’t y’all, we just couldn’t. So off I went to Wal-Mart in search of Christmas. If you’ve ever been to a Wal-Mart – and I suspect you have if you are still reading – you’ve probably wondered why on earth they make the Christmas aisles so dang narrow? Are they not aware that their customers are by and large…

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Antique Crazy, Wal-Mart

Shamu Shops At Wal-Mart

I am loath to admit that much of my wardrobe comes from the Wal-Mart active wear department these days. It has come to that. Unthinkable for a gal who in her 20s once ate at the happy hour buffet for an entire month so that she could spend her entire grocery budget on a pair of Joan & David boots. The reason I end up buying so many of the things I wear at Wal-Mart is simple: I am there. Everyday I am there. I have a cart. I throw it in the cart. I take…

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Sometimes Tart, Wal-Mart

Things At The Grocery Store That Make You Want To Say Darn

1. The 400-pound deaf lady in the electric cart who is memorizing the entire section of jelly and refuses to move so that you might grab your blueberry jelly and be on your merry way. 2. The unshaven out-of work single guy wearing pajamas bottoms who wants to chat you up about 2% vs skim. 3. The woman in leopard leggings who insists on putting her items on the check out conveyor belt even though you still have half a cart to unload. 4. The cashier who double scans a $20 box of diapers which you…

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Antique Crazy, Wal-Mart

Antique Wal-Mart Babe

Sunday, I violated not only one of God’s commandments, but one of my own: Thou shalt not go to Wal-Mart on the Sabbath. But it had to be done. We were out of Cheetos. Usually when I darken the door of Wal-Mart in the middle of the week, I’m all dolled up in a pair of paint splattered cut-offs, a faded Old Navy tank top, flip flops, no makeup and a ponytail. I like to accessorize my look not with stylish earrings – that’s too expected for someone as trendy as moi – but with a…

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Sometimes Tart, Wal-Mart

Must be the new math…

This recent exchange with the cashier at the grocery store: AM: There was a sign that said red peppers were two for $3. Cashier: No ma’am, they are $1.50 each. Do you still want both of them? AM: Yes, I want both of them. That would be $3. Two for $3.  $1.50 x 2. Cashier: (rolling her eyes and twisting her eyebrow ring)  Ma’am they are $1.50 each, do you want both of them or not? AM: Umm…  Okay, $1.50 each and not a penny more.

Mildly Amusing, Sometimes Tart, Wal-Mart

Christmas Shopping 101

Christmas Shopping 101: A crash course study in the inanity of humanity. This course meets at Wal-Mart and studies holiday shoppers in their natural habitat. Our first case study meets in the Lawn and Garden department where the aisles are wide enough to accomodate Calista Flockhart or a zipper turned sideways, but not both. Here we will observe the shopper who is searching for just the right large electrified plastic lawn ornament to compliment the plaid sofa and washing machine on her front porch. The shopper in this example wears leggings three times too small thus…

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Antique Crazy, Wal-Mart

Advanced Grocery Shopping

The earth is inhabited by two kinds of people: Those who love to go to the grocery store and then the other 98% of the population — those who have a life. Until my son came along, I was among the 2% who rank a trip to the grocery store right up there with a day at Six Flags. Lately, however, going to the store is more like going to a friend’s Tupperware party — you are obligated to go, you’re looking for the cheapest thing to buy and you hope you don’t have to go…

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